Category: C'est la Vie

STATUES

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," - he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," - said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

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Category: C'est la Vie

SHUT HIM UP

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You've got to have a room somewhere,” - he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don't care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” - admitted the manager -”and he might be glad to split the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” - the tired Marine assured him. “I'll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How'd you sleep?” - asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed.
“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time” - said the Marine.
“How'd you manage that?” - asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” - the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me.”

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Category: C'est la Vie

GROSS INSENSIVITY

During the French revolution, as a cartload of aristocrats was being taken to the place of execution, a rainstorm broke out suddenly. When one of the noblemen, wet to the bones in the open wagon, complained bitterly about the inhospitable weather, the executioner turned on him:
“You should complain! I have to make the return journey too.”
 

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Category: C'est la Vie

CAMPING TRIP

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend:

“Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied:
“I see millions and millions of stars.”
“And what does that tell you?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it tells me that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute and then spoke:
“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.”

 

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Category: Business is Business

KINDERGARTEN CLASS

One day at kindergarten, the teacher said to the class of five-year-olds:

“I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said:
“Please miss, it was St Patrick.”
The teacher said:
“Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said:
“Please miss, it was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied:
“I’m sorry Ian, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said:
“Please miss, it was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said:
That’s absolutely right Daniel, come up here and I’ll give you your $2.”
As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said:
“You know Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ,”
To which Daniel replied:
“I know Miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”

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Category: Boys and Girls

SOME LAWS OF SEX

 Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it is going to last.

 Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

 If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

 The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

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Category: Boys and Girls

FOXY GIRL

In a train compartment, there were three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers joined in conversation, which very soon turned to the erotic. The young girl had a suggestion:
“If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs.”
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulled up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she said:
“If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs.”
The men being what they are, all took out a ten-dollar bill. The girl then pulled up her dress all the way to her legs in full. The conversation continued and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Now the young girl said:
“If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three forked over the money. The girl then turned to the window and pointed outside at a building they were passing.

“See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!”

 

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