Category: Naughty Jokes MARS MAID The first astronaut to land on Mars encountered a native girl there. She was built somewhat differently, but was distinctly female and beautiful by any standard. The girl was busy in front of a steaming cauldron, adding various ingredients to its contents and steering furiously. After a while the astronaut said: “Excuse me, I just arrived from Earth. Can you tell me what you are doing?” “Is it not obvious?” - replied the Martian girl. “I am making a child. I must be careful to mix well the components supplied by my three husbands, two co-wives and me and if the temperature and other conditions are perfect, out comes a healthy little Mars-child. Is this not the way children are made on Earth? “No, positively no,” - answered the Earthman. “Tell me then, how do you make children?” “I cannot explain, but I can show you.” Indeed, he showed her and the girl seemed to have enjoyed it. She said so too: “I must say that your way of producing a child is quite enjoyable, but what I don’t understand is where is the product of our labors, the child?” “Oh, that,” - shrugged the Earthman. “The child is only born after nine months.” “Then why did you stop mixing?”

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Category: Mother-In-Law RECANTATION

Some days ago a hobo rang our doorbell and my mother-in-law opened the door. The following conversation ensued:

“Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty wine bottles?”

“Do I look, like someone who drinks wine?”

“Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty vinegar bottles?”

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Category: Mothers BRAGGARTS

Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman told her friends:

“My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone addresses him 'Father'.”

The second Catholic woman chirped:

“My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'.”

The third Catholic crone said:

“My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'.”

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women gave her this subtle “Well...?”

So she replied:

“My son is 6' 6”, has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, is terribly handsome, dresses very well, has a tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room the women gasp: ‘Oh, my God...'“

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Category: Modern Fables SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

One day, the Seven Dwarfs were feeling kinda horny and were peeking through the window of Snow White's room. Because they were so short, one Dwarf stood on another Dwarf's shoulder and so on, forming a Dwarf Chain. Doc was at the very top, peeking through the windows. Snow White walked into the room, and started taking off her blouse.

“She's taking off her blouse!” - said Doc, to Dopey who was right below him.

“She's taking off her blouse!”

“She's taking off her blouse!”

Then she started to take off her skirt.

“She's taking off her skirt!” - said Doc.

“She's taking off her skirt!”

“She's taking off her skirt!”

Then she started to take off her bra.

“She's taking off her bra!”

“She's taking off her bra!”

“She's taking off her bra!”

Then she started taking off her panties.

“She's taking off her panties!”

“She's taking off her panties!”

“She's taking off her panties!”

All of a sudden, Doc heard a noise in the bushes.

“Somebody's coming!”

“Me too!”

“Me too!”

“Me too!”

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Category: Misers SCOTTISH DIALOG

“Did you get my letter?”

“The one in which you asked for 10 pounds?”

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“No, I didn’t.”

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Category: Marital Bliss PREPOSTEROUS SUGGESTION

A husband and wife were strolling in the park and saw a young man passionately kissing his girlfriend.

“Tell me Pa,” - asked the wife - “how about doing that too?”

“You must be joking! I don’t even know the girl.”

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Category: Marital Bliss A REAL TRAGEDY

Two rather drunken men sat at a bar. One of them said:

“Have you heard about the terrible tragedy that happened to Smith?”

“No, I haven’t. What happened to the poor guy?”

“He eloped with my wife.”

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Category: Marital Bliss CLASSICAL STORY

Every day, an exhausted Dr. Fraud would arrive home wanting to relax for a while with a quiet piece of music. But a loud blast of offensive pop music from the neighboring apartment would completely drown out the delicate strains of the classical piece. One day he had had enough. He knocked on his neighbor’s door and asked:

“Do you know who Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is?”

“No I don’t” - answered the surprised man.

“And have you heard of Ludwig van Beethoven?”

Again the man professed his ignorance, but the other one hammered away relentlessly:

“Does the name Felix Bartholdy Mendelsohn mean anything to you?”

“Who are these people?” - asked the neighbor. “Should I know them?”

“Of course you should, you ignoramus. These are people who wrote music, real music and not this caterwauling you make us all listen to.”

The neighbor thought for a while and then he too posed a question:

“Do you know Tom Noggin?”

It was the turn of Dr. Fraud to act surprised:

“Who might he be? Should I know him?”

“Of course you should. He is the man who comes to your house and screws your wife every Wednesday evening when you go to your concerts.”

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Category: Marital Bliss OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND One office-worker to another:

“Yesterday was our 5th wedding anniversary and I gave my wife an airline ticket to Australia.”

“Really,” – wondered his colleague, – “isn’t that a little extravagant? What gift will you give her for your 25th Anniversary?”

“A return ticket.”

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Category: Marital Bliss THE SECRET

“What is the secret of a good marriage?”

“My wife and I agreed that we’ll dine twice weekly at some quiet little place. Candlelight, soft music, a few turns on the dance-floor… She is goes every Wednesday, I go every Friday.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists POOR PERFORMANCE It is said that oysters increase masculine vigor. A man seen in a restaurant with his girlfriend was polishing off a plate of these mollusks. When asked by his friends the next morning if the oysters enhanced his performance, his answer was: “Three of the damn things did not work!”

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Category: Male Chauvinists CODOLENCES

“Do you have prophylactics other than white ones?” - the customer asked the pharmacist.

“We have them in various colors.”

“Then please give me a pack of black ones, I’m going to pay my condolences to my friend’s widow.”

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Category: Loonies DOG'S LIFE

“Where have you been?” - a man asked his friend.

“To tell you the truth, I was hospitalized in the psychiatric department.”

“What was wrong with you?”

“I had a fixed idea that I am a dog.”

“And did they cure you?”

“Oh yes. Just feel how cool my nose is.”

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Category: Lawyers NO SCRUPLES A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defended a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping and selling arms. As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm: “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?” “I don’t know,” – Ernie said. “What have you done?”

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Category: In the Middle East SHE SHOULD KNOW

At the Israeli border settlement, the furnishings were primitive, to say the least. In the shower-shed, made of galvanized metal, there was a hole in the wall dividing the female shower-booths from the male ones, strategically located so that only the lower part of the body could be seen. From time to time, both sexes used the hole, as circumstances warranted.

One day, just as three female members of the settlement were showering, they heard the door on the other side of the wall open and a lone man came in. That was the opportunity they were waiting for. Each woman took turns bending down to peek through the hole. The first woman commented in a whisper:

“It is not my husband.”

Her companion agreed:

“Of course it is not your husband.”

It was the third woman who clinched the matter:

“He is not from our settlement at all.”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies JEWISH GENIE An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He was crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand and discovered that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black capote coat, black hat, side curls, etc. “Well, kid,” - said the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.” “I’m not going to trust you,” said the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!” “What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!” The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that the genie was right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” *POOF* The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “OK, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.” *POOF* The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab said: “I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.” *POOF* The Arab was turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.

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Category: In the Middle East HAS A SWEET TOOTH

Ahmed had 10 children and a small hut and as much as he liked to sleep-in late, the constant noise made by his high-spirited offspring never let him get a proper rest. One day, he returned home from work totally exhausted and thought he would catch a little shuteye before dinner. Unfortunately he could not fall asleep, because of the squabbling kids and the deafening cacophony emerging from several transistor radios - each of them set to a different station.

There is nothing like being in a desperate situation to make you focus your thoughts. In his dire need for sleep, an idea came to Ahmed, the best he had in years.

“Guys, haven’t you heard,” - he cried out, - “they’re giving away chocolates tonight at the Main Square?”

In two minutes flat, the hut was empty and blessed tranquility reigned all around. As the Main Square was at least 45 minutes walk away, Ahmed calculated that at worst, he would have one-and-half hours of undisturbed rest. He stretched out contentedly, righted his pillow, pulled his blanket over his head and was already half asleep, when a sudden thought brought him wide awake and made him jump out of bed:

“In Allah’s name, I must be the biggest fool in the world! What I am doing at home sleeping, when they are giving away chocolates at the Main Square?”

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