Category: Old Age Humiliations

MISSING WIVES

Bill, age 20, and Sam, age 75, were pushing their carts around Home Depot, when they collided. Sam said to Bill:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Bill said:

"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Sam said:

"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

Bill answered:

"Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

Sam replied:

"Doesn't matter ... let's look for yours."

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Category: Nouveau Riche

MAGNANIMOUS SOUL

One afternoon, as Mr. Golddigger, the newfangled millionaire, was fishing in his private lake, the legendary goldfish was snagged on his hook. Mr. Golddigger looked at the fish and as it was too small to be of any use, threw it back into the lake. Before swimming away, the grateful fish peeked out of the water and asked:

“And what about the three wishes?”

Mr. Golddigger hesitated only slightly and then magnanimously uttered: 

“All right, you may wish something.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ Question:

“Why does the promiscuous lady have a lighted candle in her navel?”        

Answer:

“Her lover likes to eat by candlelight.”

¬ Question:

 “Why did Elisabeth Arden?”

Answer:

“Because Max Factor.”

¬ Question:

 “Do you think sex is dirty?”

Answer:

 “Yes, if you do it right.”

¬ Question:

“What is the difference between a nun and a bathing woman.

 Answer:

“The nun’s soul is full of hope, whereas the bathing lady’s hole is full of soap.” 

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ Question:

“Why does English beer remind one of having sex in a boat?”        

Answer:

“It is fucking close to water.”

¬ Question:

“Why is a joke like a pussy?”

Answer:

“Neither is any fun if you don't get it.”

¬ Question:

 “What is preferable to roses on your piano?”

Answer:

“Tulips on your organ.”

¬ Question:

“Why did God create Eve?”

Answer:

“Adam’s right hand was getting stiff.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ During the Holiday Season, a man bought his girlfriend a pair of stockings. On one stocking he inscribed “Merry Christmas!”, on the other “Happy New Year!” and on the attached greeting card he wrote: “See you between the two holidays.” 
¬ There is a new pill that cures both impotence and constipation. It will be marketed under the name: “Easy Come, Easy Go.”
¬ While in London, a Scotsman asked a prostitute who accosted him what her going rate was. On hearing her reply, the stupefied man exclaimed:
“But Baby, I don’t want to buy it, just use it for a while.” 
¬ Suggested one penis to another:
“Let’s go and watch a blue movie.”
Answered his mate:
“And stand-up during the entire performance?”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

CROSSWORD-PUZZLE

 „What is it: ‘female genital organ, five letters’?”

„Across, or down?”

„Across.”

„Mouth.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF

1.    Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2.    Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.    Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4.    For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

5.    Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6.    The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7.    It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

8.    Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9.    Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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