Category: At School

COMEBACK

A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked:

"What would you say if tomorrow I said that I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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Category: Army Stories

A WILLING MAN

During World War II the campaign in the Western Desert was a long and tedious one. The soldiers spent long months in the sand dunes, far from civilization, with only an occasional camel to look at. One night the colonel called in his orderly and confessed:

“I simply must have a woman. Any type will do, young, old, fat, thin, ugly – it does not matter, as long as it is a female. Can you get me one?” – he asked.

At first the orderly just shook his head, but when his superior officer kept badgering him, he came up with a suggestion:

“What about that Chinese cook in the kitchen? He has a nice, fat behind. Wouldn’t he do, Sir?”

The colonel shuddered at the suggestion and told the orderly to forget it. A few more weeks passed and the colonel became desperate. He called his orderly in again and said:

“It seems that there is no other choice. Please arrange for me to meet that cook, but I don’t want anybody else to hear about it.”

“Impossible, Sir,” - replied the aide. “Besides us two and the Chink, at least four more soldiers will have to know about your assignment.”

“Who the hell are those four others you are bringing in?” – asked the officer in exasperation.

“We need them to hold down the cook, because he does not like to be fucked.”    

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Category: Animal Stories

TALKING PET

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store one Saturday and told the clerk that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After considering numerous options, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box. He took the box with his new pet home, found a good spot for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him the next day.

Sunday morning, he asked the centipede in the box:

"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, since he was assured by the pet store that the centipede would talk once he got it home and it was comfortable with its surroundings. He waited a few minutes and then asked again:

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, contemplating the situation. He decided to ask it one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's box and shouting:

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord!?"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

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Category: Airline Stories

CLARIFICATION

A student was heading to Miami for Spring Break. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Miami. As she gave the agent her luggage, she remarked:

"I'd like you to send my brown suitcase to Nova Scotia and my black suitcase to Paris."
    The confused agent said:

"I'm sorry, miss, we just can't do that."
     "Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

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Category: Afterlife

YULETIDE 

Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St. Peter said:

"It's nearing Christmas. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season."

The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said:

"This is supposed to be a candle."

"Good enough" - said St. Peter.

The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them.

"What's that?" – asked St. Peter. The bachelor said:

"It's Jingle Bells."

St. Peter sighed heavily and said:

"Fine...go ahead.”

Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas...finally he pulled out a pair of panties.
     St. Peter said:

" What's THAT got to do with Christmas?"

The bachelor replied:
    " They're Carols."

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Category: Women's Lib

THE IDEAL HUSBAND

The definition of an ideal husband:

Does not smoke

Does not drink

Does not flirt

Does not exist.

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Category: Viagra

OVERKILL

The family physician met Moishe’le on the street. The boy looked quite troubled.

“How are things at home?” - asked the good doctor.

“My folks are divorcing,”- answered Moishe’le.

“For Heavens’ sake why? They seem such a nice couple.”

“I overheard them talking that my father has become impotent.”

“This is not a problem these days, Moishe’le. Take these pills and give your Dad one each every three days.”

Moishe’le hurried home gratefully. He tried to memorize the exact dosage and kept repeating to himself - 'one pill every three days, one pill every three days,' - but then he stumbled and got confused, - 'three pills every day, three pills every day.'

Two weeks later the doctor ran into Moishe’le again. The boy looked noticeably thinner and was even more troubled.

“My God, Moishe’le what happened? And how is your Dad?”

“Don’t even ask! My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, my behind feels sore and the dog won’t dare return home.”

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Category: Computers

MOUSING AROUND

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous “Microsoft Mouse” position). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

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Category: Tax Matters

DRESS CODE

A Jew came to see the rabbi:

“Rabbi! There's something is wrong with my tax returns and I have been summoned to the IRS offices. Can you tell me what shall I wear? My best suit, or rather something shabby?”

“My son, questions as regards the dress code belong to my wife's department. Let's go and ask her.”

“This is a very good question,” – said the rabbi's wife. “The other day Rebecca asked me if on her wedding night she should wear a nightgown, pajamas, or maybe should await her husband naked. I told her that it doesn't matter. She will be screwed anyway.”

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Category: Straight from the Hip

GOD IS MERCIFUL

Two women shared a table at a fashionable café.

“Are you married?” - asked one.

“I was,” - answered her companion - “but my husband died just two days after our wedding.”

“Then the poor thing did not suffer much.” 

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Category: Sporting World

SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF

A recent Scottish immigrant attended his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit heard the fans roaring “Run....Run!” The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!” 

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump called a walk the Scotsman stood up yelling:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered:

“He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed:

“Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

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Category: Simpletons

DUMBFOUNDED

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

 

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Category: Simpletons

A YOUNG MAN'S STORY

 I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16, or so. 

 I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."  

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said: "Just a minute."  

And walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 

She asked: "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on", - she said. "We don't have much time."  

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately I could no longer hold back and pow I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown.  

"Did you put that condom on?"  

I said: "I sure did."  

And held up my thumb to show her.

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Category: Simpletons

SPEECHLESS

“Yesterday when I returned home unexpectedly, I caught my wife in bed with an Italian.”

“Appalling! And what did you say to him?”

“What could I’ve said? I don’t speak Italian.”

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Category: Simpletons

STRANGE COINCIDENCE

Mary came into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically:

“What's the matter?”

To which the girl replied:

“Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry for his young employee, suggested:

“Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest.”

Mary very calmly stated:

“No. I'll be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agreed and allowed her to work as usual:

“If you need anything just let me know.”

A few hours passed and the boss decided to check on Mary. He looked out of his office and saw her crying hysterically. He rushed out to her, asking:

“What's so bad now? Are you going to be OK? What's wrong?”

Mary broke down in tears:

“I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!”

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Mary came into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically:

“What's the matter?”

To which the girl replied:

“Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry for his young employee, suggested:

“Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest.”

Mary very calmly stated:

“No. I'll be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agreed and allowed her to work as usual:

“If you need anything just let me know.”

A few hours passed and the boss decided to check on Mary. He looked out of his office and saw her crying hysterically. He rushed out to her, asking:

“What's so bad now? Are you going to be OK? What's wrong?”

Mary broke down in tears:

“I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!”

Category: Preposterpus Stories

BAD CUT

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We're taking TWA,” - was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” - exclaimed the barber. “That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That's rich,” - laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” - explained the man, - “not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” - muttered the barber, - “I know you didn't get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet personally some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” - asked the barber. “What'd he say?”

“Not much really. He just said: ‘Where'd you get that lousy haircut?!’”

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Category: Political Jokes

QUALITY COUNTS

At the Soviet War College, the guest lecturer, a general, told the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class began by asking the first question:

“Will we have to fight in a World War Three?”

“Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will,” - answered the general.

“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” - another officer asked.

“In all likelihood it will be China.”

The class looked alarmed and finally one officer asked:

“But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”

“Well,” - replied the general, - “think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time.”

“But sir,” - asked the panicky officers, - “do we have enough Jews?”

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Category: Political Jokes

THANKS WHOM?

In communist Poland there was a long queue before the bakery. It was bitterly cold and people were complaining, when the delivery-truck finally arrived.

“Thank God!” - sighed a woman.

“In our country, “ - said a Russian standing behind her, - “they would say: Thank Stalin!”         

Queried the Pole:

“And when one sad day ‘The Father of the Nation’ - one shudders even at the thought, but after all he is human too - passes away, what will they say in Russia?”

“Thank God!” 

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Category: Political Jokes

RETIREMENT PLANS

At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” - replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

“Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!”

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Category: Political Jokes

BLESS YOU

It was a cold day and one of the passengers on the crowded train to Moscow sneezed. The man seated in the corner, whose leather-coat and short boots gave him away as belonging to the security-police, raised his head from his “Pravda” newspaper and in a loud and booming voice asked:

“Which of you comrades sneezed?”

All conversation ceased and everyone held their breath, waiting for the culprit to identify himself. When nobody answered, the KGB man repeated his query:

“I am asking again, who sneezed?’

A pale, thin fellow at the back of the crowd raised his hand hesitatingly:

“I did. I have a bad cold.”

“Gesundheit, tovarisch!” - said the KGB man and returned to his paper.

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Category: Political Jokes

THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL

Presidents Bush, Gorbachev and the Israeli Premier were summoned to Heavens for a midnight briefing. When they appeared before the Almighty, he informed them of the imminent end of the world. That night Bush appeared on a coast-to-coast broadcast and announced to the American people that he has both good news and bad news:

“The goods news is, that there is a God in Heavens. The bad news is, that the world is coming to an end.”

Gorbachev too, appeared in a broadcast transmitted all over the USSR and told the Soviet people that he has learned of some bad and some good news.

“The bad news is, that there is a God after all. The good news is, that I learned of the imminent demise of the capitalist world.”

The Israeli Premier appeared on Israeli TV beaming gleefully and proclaimed to his people, that he has two pieces of good news:

“The first is that God exists and watches over his people; the second item is, that we can rest assured, there will be no Palestinian State ever.”

 

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Category: Political Jokes

SHE ALWAYS HAS THE LAST WORD

The President and the First Lady were out in their car when they stopped by a gas station. There are certain needs, which even people in their exalted position cannot disregard. When the Prez returned from the washroom, he overheard the attendant addressing his spouse by her first name and as they were driving away, both waved to each other in a friendly way.

“Who was that guy?” – demanded the Chief of State.

“Oh, just a someone I used to date before I met you,” – replied his wife nonchalantly.

“Then you are lucky you met me. You could be married now to a gas-station attendant.”

“Or maybe, he would be the President of the US.”

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Category: Political Jokes

PREFERENCES

So this Jewish boy came home and told his mother he is going to get married. His mother asked what her name was.

“Monica Lewinsky” – the son said..

The mother then said:

“And what happened to that nice black girl you were dating?”

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Category: Political Jokes

HE HAD IT COMING

Brezhnev, former Soviet Union head of state and Party chief  loved fast American cars and at every opportunity, took the wheel from his driver and drove recklessly on the pot-holed Russian roads. Driving through a kolkhoz one day, his car hit a dog. Afraid of the owner’s reaction, Brezhnev sent his driver into the nearby peasants’ hut, to apologize about the accident and offer compensation.

After several minutes, the driver came out, with a satisfied smile on his face.

“What happened?” - Brezhnev queried. “Did you tell them?”

“I told them that I am Brezhnev’s driver and we accidentally killed the dog. For some reason they all looked very happy, laughed, slapped me on the back and offered me some vodka to drink.”

 

 

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Category: Political Jokes 

NOT DISCRIMINATING

On one of his visits to the States, former Israeli Prime Minister Shamir, known for his love of seafood, entered a restaurant.

“Do you serve shrimps?” - he asked.

“We serve anybody, Sir,” - answered the waiter.

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