Category: Naughty Jokes A TELLING GESTURE The Madam of an exclusive brothel in Paris went to the marketplace to do her weekly shopping. First, she went to the greengrocer’s, chose some tomatoes, a few onions, took a bag of peeled potatoes, looked at the beautifully polished apples and then, picking up a banana, asked the greengrocer: “How much are these bananas?” “For you Madam, 15 francs,” - was the answer. The good lady was surprised: “How on Earth did you know, that I am a Madam.” “From the way you hold the banana!”

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Category: Mother-In-Law GRATIFICATION

A married couple was involved in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only suitable place was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful face. One day when she was alone with her husband, she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said:

“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!”

He replied: “Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”

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Category: Modern Fables A FABLE FOR OUR TIMES

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:

“Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

“No fucking way.”

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Category: Misers INVETERATE BARGAINER

“How much is a pound of these apples.”

“As it is you Granny, you can have them free.”

“Couldn’t you set a somewhat lower price?”

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Category: Marital Bliss SLOW ON THE UPTAKE

The promiscuous wife was in bed with her paramour, when they heard the key turn in the entrance door. In complete panic, the man jumped out of bed and escaped to the balcony. Soon the husband came in and upon finding his wife in bed, asked her, if she was unwell. She was about to say that she was merely feeling lazy, but before she could speak, her husband stepped out to the balcony and to his surprise, encountered a bare-assed stranger there.

It was her lover who saved the day. He told the husband that he had spent the afternoon with the wife of their neighbor one floor up and when her husband arrived home unexpectedly, was forced to find safety on their balcony. It is marvelous how the solidarity of males is aroused in these situations. The husband smiled understandingly, lent the shivering guy some clothes and even invited him in for a drink. In the evening, as the couple had their dinner, the husband was uncommonly quiet. Suddenly, he got up, went around the table to his spouse, and slapped her face:

“What was that for?” - she gasped.

“I just remembered that we live on the top floor.”

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Category: Marital Bliss FITS THE BILL

Waiter: “What can I get you sir?”

Guest: “Anything that’s big, cold and has a lot of gin in it.”

Waiter: “Then let me introduce you to my wife.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO

It was pitch dark when a man was flagged down by a female hitchhiker. All he could see was her long, loose hair and her provocatively half-open blouse. He took her on board and at the next curve “inadvertently” leaned against her. She did not draw away, so he stopped the car at a conveniently secluded place, kissed her, received a fervent response and soon they were both merrily engaged in making, what euphemistically is called “love.” All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window and a flashlight shone through the car window. The cop could hardly contain himself:

“Don’t you know there is a law against engaging in immoral acts in public places!”

“But Officer,” - protested the man, - “this is my wife who is with me in the car.”

“I am sorry,” - answered the policeman, - “I did not know this was your wife.”

“Neither did I, until you switched on your flashlight.”

 

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Category: Marital Bliss TRUTH IS GOLDEN

A red Mercedes cruised by just as a man came out of his office. With a screech of the brakes, the car came to a stop and a smashing blonde leaned out of the window and asked provocatively:

“Hurrying home to the little wife? Why not have a cup of coffee with me?”

It was a tiring day and the man felt that having a coffee with the blonde dreamboat, would noticeably raise his spirits, so he hopped into the car and off they went.

Over coffee, the two had a long talk, until the girl suddenly asked:

“Wouldn’t we be more comfy, if we continued our little chat at my place?”

Indeed, they went to her apartment, had a drink, or two, or three and all of a sudden they were in bed together. Much-much later, the man looked at his watch and exclaimed:

“My God! It is 4 o’clock in the morning. I must rush. My wife is probably going mad with worry.”

“What are you going to tell her?” - asked his bed partner.

“Oh, I don’t know,” - the man scratched his head, - “maybe you have a piece of chalk?”

“Of course I do. After all, I am a teacher.”

The man took the chalk, made some marks on his face and forehead and left. At home, he was confronted by his wife who demanded to know where he had been.

“To tell you the complete, unvarnished truth,” - replied her husband - “just as I left the office, a blonde knockout in a foreign-looking car invited me for a coffee. From the coffee shop we continued to her apartment, had a few drinks and somehow found ourselves between the sheets.”

His wife looked at her spouse quizzically and suddenly burst out laughing:

“Come on, the chalk marks on your face give you away. I can see that you just came from the pool-room!”

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Category: Marital Bliss CONNUBIAL STILL LIFE

A businessman and his secretary arrived in London for a convention. As it happens, their reservation was somehow misplaced and they were offered to share the only available room. Take it, or leave it. They took it.

At night when the doctor was already half asleep, he heard his secretary’s voice:

“It is quite chilly, isn’t it? Could you please close the window for me?”

“How would you like to pretend tonight that you are my wife?” - asked the weary doctor.

“Nothing would please me more,” - answered the secretary enthusiastically.

“Fine, then get up and shut the bloody window yourself.”

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Category: Loonies FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. Finally he decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he too put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the patient and said:

“I don't hear anything.”

The mental patient said:

“Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!”

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Category: Lawyers LETTER OF THE LAW

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them:

"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Category: In the Middle East THE CRUCIFIXION

A group of Israelis took a guided tour through “classic” Europe - England, France, the Benelux countries and Italy. They were in luck and had an excellent guide, who spared no effort in showing them every sight worth seeing, performing his job with such enthusiasm, as though it was the first time he was visiting these places.

At the end of the tour, the bus brought them to Fiumicino Airport, where their plane waited. While the members of the group got out of the bus, the guide stood near the door, with a big smile on his face and somehow radiating expectation. The tourists were generous in their praise, each of them stopped by him, shook his hand and warmly thanked him for his efforts. The guide appreciated the gratitude, but somehow expected a little more than that. The smile slowly froze on his lips.

“Maybe the habit of tipping is unknown in Israel,” - he thought, as he shook another outstretched hand. “Maybe I should have somehow mentioned the fact that our salaries are small and we rely on the tourists’ gratuities to complement it.”

Only one Israeli was left in the bus. He too approached the frustrated guide with an outstretched hand, but all of a sudden - as though he only now remembered it - reached into his pocket and took out a thick envelope.

“We wanted to show you our appreciation of your outstanding performance, so we all pitched in and collected a tidy sum for you. Thank you for a job well done.”

This was a little too much for the guide and he burst out:

“I don’t know, whether or not you really crucified Jesus Christ, but you sure made him sweat!”

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Category: Genies, Jinns & Fairies REGRETS

An old lady was rocking in her rocking chair when a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” - said the old lady, - “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*POOF* —her rocking chair turned to solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*POOF* —she turned into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” - asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them.

“Ooh—can you change him into a handsome prince?” - she asked.

*POOF* —there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear:

“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

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Category: Gay Liberation Front IDENTITY PROBLEM

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked:

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied:

"Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said:

"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked:

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied:

"I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

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Category: From The Mouths Of Babes THE NATURE OF GOD

A nine-year old boy went up to his mother and asked:

“Is God male or female?”

After thinking a moment, his mother responded:

“Well, God is both male and female.”

This confused the little boy, so he asked:

“Is God black or white?”

“Well, God is both black and white.”

This confused the boy even more, so he asked:

“Is God gay or straight?”

Now it was the mother who was getting concerned, but she answered anyway:

“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

At this, the boy's face lighted up with understanding and he triumphantly asked:

“Is God Michael Jackson?”

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Category: From The Mouths Of Babes PEEPING TOMS

The teacher was a pretty young thing and the adolescents in her class showed great interest in her hidden charms. One day, she was giving an assignment to her class. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the blackboard. Suddenly, one of the boys sniggered loudly. She quickly turned and saw that it was a boy in the third row.

“What's so funny Pat?” - demanded the teacher.

“I just saw one of your garters, teacher” - answered the boy.

“Get out of my classroom,” - she yelled. “I don't want to see you for three days.”

The teacher went back to writing the assignment. Realizing she had forgotten to title it, she reached to the very top of the blackboard. Suddenly there was an even louder giggle from another student. Again she turned and asked:

“What's so funny Billy?”

“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yelled:

“Get out!” This time the punishment was even more severe. “I don't want to see you for a week.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, when she returned to finishing the assignment, she dropped the eraser. As she bent over to pick it up, she saw, that Moishe’le, who sat in the first row, stood up, collected his things and started to leave the class.

“And where do you think you are going?” - asked the teacher.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw,” - answered Moishe’le - “ my school days are probably over.”

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Category: For Your Kids POLITE GUYS

“Hello, is this 2566-342?”

“No, it is 2565-342.”

“Sorry, wrong number.”

‘Never mind, the phone was ringing anyway.”

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