Message to my Readers

BACK FROM VACATION

My vacation regretfully is over. Daily publication of fresh jokes, is resumed on about October 15.

Best regards,

Avri

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

NEWLYWEDS

A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering and some chitchat the priest said:

“Have you noticed that there are no women in this bar?”

Then he realized the truth:

“I think we're in a gay bar.”

Just then, a man approached them and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said:

“Thanks. What did you tell him?”

The minister replied:

“I just told him we're on our honeymoon.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE GOLFING PREACHER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday it was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said:

“Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”

The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty meters away. A perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said:

“Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

The Lord smiled:

“Think about it – who can he tell?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

WRONG WORD

A gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he overheard a crewmember mentioning that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” - thought the man. “I’ve always wanted to meet the Pope.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” - thought the man. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, I can help him.”

After a while, the Pope turned to the man and said:

“Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind.

“Good grief,”- thought the man, - “I can’t tell the Pope that word. There must be another.”

The man thought for a while and then it hit him. Turning to the Pontiff, he said:

“I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Oh yeah,” - said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

SUDDEN CONVERSION

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out:

“Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds:

“I thought you didn't believe in me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!” – the man pleaded, – “two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

GLOATING

Mother Superior:

“Sisters! A disgraceful thing has happened.”

100 nuns (in unison):

“Huuuh!”

One nun (quietly):

“Heee!”

Mother Superior:

“A man was in our convent last night.”

100 nuns:

“Huuuh!”

One nun:

“Heee!”

Mother Superior:

“He visited one of the cells.”

100 nuns:

“Huuuh!”

One nun:

“Heee!”

Mother Superior:

“We even found a used prophylactic.”

100 nuns:

“Huuuh!”

One nun:

“Heee!”

Mother Superior:

“But there was a hole in it.”

100 nuns (in unison):

“Heee!”

One nun (very quietly):

“Huuuh!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

VACATION

One day God was talking to St. Peter:

God: “Peter, I'm getting bored up here, do you have any ideas on what to do?”

St. Peter: “How about a holiday? It's nice on Saturn at the moment.”

God: “No… too much gravity, too much stomping around.”

St. Peter: “How about somewhere lighter, like Mercury?”

God: “No… too hot there.”

St. Peter: “Somewhere in between then, maybe Earth?”

God: “No… terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TIPSTER

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done Tommy O'Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

“No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe.”

“No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.”

“Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary’s, four Our Fathers and keep away from sin. These women will surely lead you to Hell.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

“What did ya get?”– asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

CONVERSION

A Jew converted and became a priest. He gave his first mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal went up to congratulate him.

“Pastor Lewis,” – he said, – “that was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time please don't start your sermon with, “Fellow goyim*...”

* Plural of the Hebrew goy, meaning nation, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.

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Category: Ecumenical Stories SUFFERING

A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was the Head Nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.

She asked him good-naturedly:

“Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?”

“Oh, sister,” – chuckled the rabbi, – “I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

MODERN TIMES

Two priests discussed the wickedness of the young generation:

“I did not sleep with my wife before our marriage?” – said one. “How about you?”

“I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

VARYING THE DIET

“Father Reilly,” – the mother superior reported, – “I just thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent.”

“Oh, good,” – the priest replied. “I was getting quite tired of the Chablis.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

NOT BAD AS IT SOUNDS

The daughter of an Irish family phoned from the big city:

“Mummy, I must confess! I have become a prostitute.”

The lines were bad and the mother hard-of-hearing. She shouted aghast:

“What did you become?”

“A prostitute, Mother! A hooker,” – elucidated the girl.

“Thank God,” – sighed the mother. “I thought for a minute that you said ‘a Protestant.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THERE IS MUCH TO LIVE FOR

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said:

“Stop! Don't do it!”

“Why shouldn't I?” - he said.

I said: “Well, there's so much to live for!”

He said: “Like what?”

I said: “Well...are you religious, or atheist?”

He said: “Religious.”

I said: “Me too! Are you Christian, or Buddhist?”

He said: “Christian.”

I said: “Me too! Are you catholic, or Protestant?”

He said: “Protestant.”

I said: “Me too! Are you Episcopalian, or Baptist?”

He said: “Baptist!”

I said: “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

He said: “Baptist Church of God!”

I said: “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?”

He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”

I said: “Me too! Are you reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

I said: “Die, heretic scum!” – and pushed him off.

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TEST QUESTION

Question:

“Can you describe the different denominations in the Jewish religion?

Answer:

“At an Orthodox wedding the mother is in a family way, at a Conservative wedding the bride is expecting, whereas at a Reformist wedding, it is the rabbi who is pregnant.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

UNCOMFORTABLE

A man of cloth went to his physician, complaining of some ugly lesions around his genitals. When told that he has syphilis, the cleric was quite embarrassed by the shocking discovery.

“Tell me Doctor,” – he asked hopefully, –”is it possible to contract this disease in the Men’s Room?”

“It is quite possible” – nodded the physician wisely, – “but not so comfortable.”

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Category: Dinking Problem

PICKY CUSTOMER

Waiter: “May I get you a cup of tea?”

Guest: “I don’t drink tea.”

Waiter: “A cup of coffee?”

Guest: “I don’t drink coffee.”

Waiter: “A coke?”

Guest: “I don’t drink coke.”

Waiter: “A whisky with club soda”

Guest: “I don’t drink club soda.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

MIRACLE

Recounted the middle-aged man to his colleague:

“Listen to this. You know about my bad leg, I went to see the new physician whom everybody recommended and now I am walking again.”

“Is he really so good?”

“No, but while I was sitting in the waiting-room my car was stolen.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

COMPARATIVE DIAGNOSTICS

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

“Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't have to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.”

And then she smugly added:

“Why can't you?”

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said:

“There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

EFFICIENT DETERRENT

A lady complained to her physician:

“I’m so nervous that I’m unable to sleep. All night I pace up and down in my room. Can you prescribe me something?”

“Before going to bed, scatter some drawing-pins around your bed.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

THE TERMINATOR

Using a model, the medical student was having an exam in childbirth.

“That's enough!” – said suddenly the professor. “Now all you have to do is to bludgeon the father and you'll have succeeded in exterminating the whole family.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

C'EST LA VIE

A man came to the small town clinic with dull red lesions in the genital area. The doctor examined him and said:

“I am sorry, Sir, but you have syphilis.”

“But I just slept with my wife and Mrs. Peabody,” - claimed the patient.

“I really don’t care who you had intercourse with, I just state the facts.”

He gave the patient the necessary medication and turned to his next case. A fortnight later, another man came in with similar chancres. The physician found that he too had contracted syphilis. This patient also claimed to have slept only with his wife and Mrs. Peabody. So it went for almost a year. Every month or so, another patient with syphilis turned up at the clinic and each man protested that he only had intercourse with his wife and Mrs. Peabody.

One day, another middle-aged gent appeared with the usual symptoms. When the doctor diagnosed the same venereal disease, the man protested:

“But I only slept with my wife!”

“C’est la vie, Mr. Peabody,” - sighed the physician.

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Category: Doctors and Patients

THE COAST IS FREE

Two Dr. Greens lived in a certain apartment building. One was a dentist and the other a well-known ear, nose and throat specialist. One day, the doorbell rang at the dentist’s home. His wife opened the door and saw a handsome-looking, tall, dark-haired man.

“Is the doctor at home?” – whispered the man hoarsely.

The woman too replied in an undertone:

“No, you can come in!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

AT THE HOSPITAL

“Give us a kiss, Nurse!

“I cannot.”

“Just a small one.”

“Impossible.”

“But Nurse, just a tiny, little one.”

“Please understand, I’m already breaking the regulations lying like this under you.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

SMALL COMFORT

Announced the physician to his patient:

“I have some good news and some bad news for you.”

“Let’s hear the good news.”

“There is no need to amputate your left leg.”

“This is good news indeed and what is the bad news?”

“That it wasn’t necessary to amputate your right leg either.”

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