Category: For your Kids ME TOO

A journalist used the Main Street café as his office. It was within reach of all-important locales, frequented by government officials, air-conditioned, had good food and all in all, was the best place to hear the latest gossip. There was only one fly in the ointment. He loved coffee, but every time he ordered a cup, he had a phone-call and while he was away, some-body finished his coffee. The next time he had a phone call, he left a note on the top of his cup:

“This is my coffee and I spit in it!”

When he finished the phone conversation and returned to his table, he found that somebody had added a further line to his note, saying:

“Me too!”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS The rich Sikh built a palace with three swimming pools. One contained hot water, the second cold water and the third was empty. A friend asked him what does he need three swimming pools for. “You know there are cold days here when it is nice to jump into the hot water. In the summer it gets very hot in these parts and the only way to cool off is to immerse yourself in the cool waters of the pool.” “But what about the empty pool?” “There are days when I don’t feel like swimming.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories LAST WORDS

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service, as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

“What's bothering you so, dear?” - inquired Farther O'Grady.

“Oh, father, I've got terrible news,” - replied Mary.

“Well what is it, Mary?”

“Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.”

“Oh, Mary” - said the father, - “that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”

“Well yes, he did father,” - replied Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

“He said, 'Please Mary, put down the gun...'“

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Category: Ethnic Stories BIG HELP

An American was visiting Glasgow. Having difficulty in understanding the local brogue, he asked one of the locals:

“What is the meaning of ‘I dina kenn?”

“I don’t know.”

“Big help you are,” - murmured the American.

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Category: Dumb Blondes FRUSTRATION

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

“Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said:

“By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her. She took aim and shot, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouted out:

“Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories AN HONORARY POSITION At the bottom of every New Year greeting card, received from Brown, the small town retailer, there was an invitation to come and visit him “if you want to breathe some unspoiled country air”. One day, his big city family decided to take him up on his invitation. Reaching his town, they stopped their car at the first passersby, a poorly dressed fellow and asked directions. “Brown, that cheapskate, who never donated a penny for charity,” - answered the man angrily, - “he lives at the upper end of the town, where all the bloodsuckers of his kind live.” They drove on in the general direction indicated and stopped again at a small shop. “If you are looking for that crook, that scoundrel Brown, may he drop dead” - answered the visibly agitated shopkeeper - “he lives in a red tiled big house, may it burn down, on the 5th street to the left.” Two other people expressed similar derogatory views about the visitor’s kinsman. Finally they reached his home and received a warm welcome. Brown showed them around his spacious house and told them that he was recently elected the Chairman of the local Merchants’ Association. “Does the job pay well?” - asked the visitors. “It does not pay at all, but you gain stature and a lot of respect in the community.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories IRISH STEW

Paddy happened to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day and in the window he spotted a pair of shoes. He liked them, so he entered the shop and asked the shop assistant:

“How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?”

“Those are 500 pounds, sir,” - replied the assistant.

“Begorrah!” - exclaimed Paddy, - “dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes.”

“Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare,” - said the assistant.

Paddy certainly couldn't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes, so he left the shop and went home. He told his brother Mick about the shoes and Mick had a brilliant idea:

“Sure, Paddy and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!”

Paddy was very impressed with this idea, so off they both went to Africa and hired a guide to show them the most crocodile-infested river. They made camp and Mick said to Paddy:

“Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck.”

So off Mick went back to town with the guide, leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles. A couple of weeks later, Mick had pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and was running low on cash, so he decided to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy was getting on. As he pulled into the camp in the truck, he saw crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles. He jumped out of the truck and went in search of Paddy and just then there was a commotion in the river, loads of splashing and Paddy came to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile, which he wrestled to the shore, then clubbed to death.

“How's it going, there, Paddy?” - asked Mick.

“Terrible,” - replied Paddy, - “in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

Sorry, but to understand the next one, you must look up the German numerals in the dictionary.

PERFECT DISGUISE During the war two German spies were dropped in England. Wanting to test their disguise, they decided to go to a pub serving American soldiers. “Two Martinis please!” - they shouted from the door. “Dry?” - asked the barman. “Nein, zwei!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories HILLBILLY HONEYMOON

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma) went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl, they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy really looked forward to the wedding night and to show how much this marriage meant to him, he took his new bride to a real pay motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed.

“Be gentle with me,” - she said, - “I'm a virgin.”

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber out of there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story, with eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said:

“You did the right thing, son, don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories DESPERATE MEASURE

“What does a Scotsman do when he is cold?”

“He moves his chair closer to the candle.”

“And if he is still cold?

“He puts his arms around the candle.”

“A when all that doesn’t help?”

“He lights it.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories VACATION

One day God was talking to St. Peter:

God: “Peter, I'm getting bored up here, do you have any ideas on what to do?”

St. Peter: “How about a holiday? It's nice on Saturn at the moment.”

God: “No… too much gravity, too much stomping around.”

St. Peter: “How about somewhere lighter, like Mercury?”

God: “No… too hot there.”

St. Peter: “Somewhere in between then, maybe Earth?”

God: “No… terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories TIPSTER

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done Tommy O'Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

“No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe.”

“No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.”

“Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary’s, four Our Fathers and keep away from sin. These women will surely lead you to Hell.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

“What did ya get?”– asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories SUFFERING A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was the Head Nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly: “Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?” “Oh, sister,” – chuckled the rabbi, – “I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories MODERN TIMES

Two priests discussed the wickedness of the young generation:

“I did not sleep with my wife before our marriage?” – said one. “How about you?”

“I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories VARYING THE DIET

“Father Reilly,” – the mother superior reported, – “I just thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent.”

“Oh, good,” – the priest replied. “I was getting quite tired of the Chablis.”

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Category: 'English' Jokes These wry jokes, which derive their humor from unexpected twists in the story line, are known for some reason as 'English' jokes ISN’T IT OBVIOUS? During the workweek at lunchtime, a secretary used to frequent the same restaurant, located conveniently near her office. She soon noticed another permanent guest of the establishment, wearing a nice carrot in his left ear. Being an Englishwoman who does not meddle in other people’s affairs, she did not comment on the unusual ear-wear and after finishing her meal went quietly on her way. Then one day, the man came in with a fresh green cucumber in his ear. This time the girl’s curiosity overcame her usual reticence and she turned to the man: “Excuse me for my impertinence, but I could not help noticing that you have a cucumber in your ear.” “I am really sorry,” – replied the man, – “but I just could not get a carrot at the greengrocer’s today.”

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Category: Drinking Problem A SUFFERING FELLOW A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him. “What'll ya have?” – he asked. “Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”

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