Category: Ethnic Jokes

SUITABILITY TEST

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview said:

“Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test, that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he said:

“Take this pistol, go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” - asked the man.

“Great attitude,” - said the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

SQUIRRELS

There were five religious institutions in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Catholic church and the Jewish synagogue. Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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Category: Doctors and Patients

THE HARLEY MECHANIC AND THE CARDIOLOGIST

 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:

“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked:

“So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

HOLE

London – at a gynecological clinic. A lady was being examined in the gynecological chair, but her doctor was just shaking his head.

“It is quite evident… Bern. I’m going to get my colleague.”

They both had a good look and the other specialist also uttered:

“Typical Bern. We must show this case to the department head."

The professor nodded his head in assent:

“Definitively Bern! You don’t see such a phenomenon very often.”

The terrified patient whispered:

“Tell me please Doctor, what does it mean for me? What kind of diagnosis is ‘Bern?”

“Clearly, you have never been in Bern. It is a terrible hole.”

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Category: Business is Business

CUSTOMER SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the bank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:  "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

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Category: Boys and Girls

ELEVEN MINUTES

A cop patrolling late at night in a well-known spot saw a couple in a car, with the interior light dimly glowing. The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop gently rapped on the driver's window.

The young man lowered his window:

"Uh, yes, officer?"

 The cop said:

"What are you doing?"

 The young man says:

"Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asked:

"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged:

"Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asked:

"What's your age, young man?"

The young man said

"I'm 22, sir."

 The cop asked:

"And her ... what's her age?"

 The young man looked at his watch and replied:

 "She'll be 18 years old in 11 minutes and 22 seconds!!! 

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Category: Boys and Girls

ORGAN PLAYERS

While making love together for the first time, Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and laid back.

“What’s wrong?” – he demanded.

“Forgive me,” – she said, – “but it’s your organ. It just isn’t big enough.

“Forgive me,” – Joe replied, – “but it wasn’t meant to be played in a cathedral.“

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