Monday, November 30, 2009

Category: Mother-in-Law EVERYTHING AT ITS PROPER TIME

The farmer was working in his garden when his neighbor came running:

“Come quickly, your mother-in-law has dropped dead!”

“I have to finish here first. Work comes before pleasure.”

UNFAIR PUNISHMENT

Lawyers among themselves:

“What is the punishment for bigamy?”

“Two mothers-in-law.”

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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Category: Modern Fables EXCELLENT GUESS

The prince took a stroll in the woods. Suddenly an ugly old woman, with a magpie on her shoulder appeared.

“Beautiful prince,” - said the hag - “if you manage to guess the name of the bird on my shoulder, I will be yours three times in a row.”

“A giraffe,” - said the prince in panic.

“Right on the first guess!”

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Category: Misers EFFUCIENCY IS ALL THE RAGE

The miser’s son arrived home and proudly announced to his father:

“Daddy, today I managed to save the bus fare. Instead of getting on the bus, I ran after it all the way home.”

But instead of receiving an approving pat on the shoulder, his dad slapped his face.

“What did I do?” – wailed the boy.

“You did not use your head, that is what you did! Think of how much you could have saved, if you had run after a cab.”

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Friday, November 27, 2009

Category: Marital Bliss SMALL WORLD

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course and didn’t bother to wave the men on, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said:

“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, turned around and came back, explaining:

“I can’t do it. One of these women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked towards the ladies, got halfway there and just like his partner, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said:

“Small world!”

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Category: Marital Bliss TOTAL COMMITMENT

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These positions are hard to fill and a lot of testing and background checks are involved before one can even be considered for the position. After background checks, training and testing, the possible choices have been narrowed down to two men and a woman. The day came for the final test, to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test, took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, – they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said:

“You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” - said the CIA men, – “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” – they explained. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes and then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

“I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” – the CIA men replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for minutes and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:

“You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Category: Marital Bliss HOMESICK

An American tourist came to a house of ill repute in Paris, put $100 on the table and asked for the oldest, fattest, most ugly and most disgusting woman they have. The Madam was nonplused:

“For $100 Sir, you could have the youngest, prettiest, best looking girl.”

“Madam, you don’t understand,” – explained the American. “It is not as if I was horny. I am just homesick.”

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Category: Marital Bliss ENTIRELY YOUR CHOICE

During a European tour, an American couple came to a Swiss holiday resort and asked if there were any vacancies. Upon receiving an affirmative answer, the husband wanted to know the price of a room.

“$100 a day,” - replied the clerk at the reception.

The room was spacious and well furnished, the food excellent, the service courteous, the countryside beautiful, so the couple stayed for a week. On the last evening, the husband went down to the reception desk and requested the bill. To his astonishment it came to $1,400. He asked to see the manager:

“I was told that the price would be $100 per day and we stayed for 7 days only,” - he complained

“Yes, but we charge $100 a week for the use of our well-appointed tennis courts,” - replied the manager.

“But it’s the middle of winter, the snow is a meter high and the temperature outside is minus 25°.”

“The management regrets that you found the weather too cold. It is entirely our distinguished guests’ choice, whether they use our facilities, or not. They are there at their disposal,”- continued the manager. “Further, we billed you 100 additional dollars for the use of our Olympic-size swimming pool

“Are you crazy? It is an outdoor pool and it is frozen solid” - protested the tourist.

“Frozen or not, it was there for you to use. Then there is $100 charge per person for a ski-pass”.

Needless to say, it was in vain that the guest pointed out that neither he, nor his wife could ski. The manager summed up:

“And then there is $100 each, for our bobsled course, for the extensive bicycle paths and the well-equipped nursery, which takes care of your offspring, while you enjoy our luxurious facilities. That comes to $1,400 exactly, without service charge.”

The tourist thought for a minute and then wrote out a check. Now it was the manager’s turn to act surprised:

“But this check is for $700 only,” - he stated the obvious.

“Yes, but I charged you $100 a day for fucking my wife.”

“What! That ugly, fat, disgusting old hag?”

“I’m sorry that you did not like my wife, but it was entirely your own choice whether you made use of her services, or not. She was there at your disposal.”

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Monday, November 23, 2009

Category: Marital Bliss A PLAUSIBLE STORY

A well-dressed lady, shopping bag in hand, came into an exclusive fashion store on Fifth Avenue. She looked over the dresses, tried on a few blouses and walked out again. At the door, the security-officer asked to see the contents of her bag. Upon finding an expensive blouse in the bag, he asked her to follow him to the office.

When accused by the manager of stealing the blouse, the woman indignantly told him that she bought the blouse at a small shop that very morning and came to the store just to compare prices. Unfortunately, she lost her receipt and could not remember the name of the shop. The manager did not relent - even when the woman disclosed, that she is the wife of a prominent lawyer and threatened that if they did not drop this ridiculous accusation, her husband would file suit against the store. At the last minute, just as the manager reached for the phone to call the police, the woman remembered the name of the shop.

They phoned the shop and luckily enough, the manager remembered that particular purchase and thus the accused woman was given a clean slate. Both the store manager and security-officer apologized profusely and in compensation for the embarrassment, offered the lady a free blouse of her choice. But now it was the woman’s turn to become obstinate. Furious, she proclaimed that unless given a mink coat, her husband would sue the store manager down to his last penny. Faced with that threat, they gave in to her demand.

That was the explanation the woman gave when her husband asked where she got a mink-coat.

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

Category: Marital Bliss QUALITY WILL COST YOU

An American couple decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in Paris. They arrived in the early afternoon, checked in at the Hilton and while the wife unpacked their suitcases, washed her hair and did a few more chores, the husband took a stroll in Montmartre. It was a hot day, the flight was tiring and soon he felt that he needed a drink. While having a glass of wine at a bistro, he fell to talking to a charming Parisienne. He liked her a lot, she seemed to like him too and the only matter they could not agree on was the price. She asked for 500 euros, he offered 100 euros. No deal was struck and they parted with mutual regret.

In the evening the couple went out for dinner at an expensive restaurant on the Champs Elysées. Suddenly, who does the husband see at one of the tables? His charming conversationalist from the afternoon stroll. She saw him too, gave the wife a cursory look and when the couple passed her table, whispered to the husband:

“You see what you get for 100 euros.”

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Category: Male Chauvinists NATURAL PHENOMENON

The well-endowed youth was very proud of his prodigious equipment. One sultry summer day early morning, he passed by a lake and felt very much like taking a swim. He did not have a bathing suit, but since no one was around, he quickly undressed and went skinny-dipping. The water was so cool and refreshing that he forgot himself and when he came out of the lake, other people were already on the shore.

A passerby stopped, stared in wonder and then started sniggering at the slowly emerging youth’s male organ, which seemed to be of infinite length. Only when the water reached the bather’s knees, came its tip finally into sight. The man reacted angrily at the ridicule of the onlookers:

“You ignoramuses, don’t you know it shrinks in cold water?”

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Category: Male Chauvinists THE STORY OF CREATION

The priest related the story of the creation:

“On the first day God separated the light from the darkness, on the second day the land was separated from the waters. On the third day the Almighty created the plants, on the fourth day the celestial bodies. On the fifth day He breathed life into the animals and on the sixth day he created the man and finally the woman.”

Here the priest paused for a while and then added:

“But by then God was clearly showing some signs of fatigue.”

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Category: Lawyers GOOD ADVICE

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer:

“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” - said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer:

“Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”

“What?? You did???”

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” - said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Category: In the Middle East LET HER WORRY

A young German blond lady, bursting with vitality, was touring Israel. She passed by a farm and took a fancy to the two brown-skinned, muscled, well-proportioned Yemenite youths working on the fields. She stopped her car and asked them if there is a place nearby where they can be alone. The young men immediately understood her intentions - after all, even country lads are not made of wood - and took her to a nearby shed. They all undressed, but before any action could be initiated, the girl took a box of prophylactics from her purse and asked:

“Do you know what these are?”

“No, we don’t,” - said both youths in unison.

“You put them on, so I won’t become pregnant.”

They did as told and the rest of the meeting evolved to the mutual satisfaction of all parties involved. The tourist thanked the boys, gave them her card - in case they are ever in Germany - kissed them good-bye and went on her way.

Two days passed. The youths were again busy in the field, when one of them suddenly asked:

“Tell me, would you mind if that blonde shiksa* had any children?”

“No, not at all,” - replied his pal.

“Then let’s take this thing off. I’m dying to have a piss.”

* Shiksa: A Non–Jewish girl, or woman.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Category: In the Middle East MADE HIS POINT

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding the conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Representative. The Israeli began:

“Ladies and gentlemen, before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. As Moses wished to cleanse himself, he went over to the other side of the pond, took of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when he came out of the water, has he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen... I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians were those who stole them.”

Hearing this accusation, Yasser Arafat jumped out of his seat and screamed:

“This is a lie. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!”

“And with that in mind” – said the Israeli Representative, – “let me begin my speech...”

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Category: Genies, Jinns and Faries THE TINY PIANIST A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender walked up and asks what's in the bag. The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot high and set him on the counter. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano.

The little man sat down at the piano and started playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" - said the bartender.

The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulled out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said:

"Here, Rub it."

So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there was a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie was standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish -- each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said:

"I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar was filled with ducks and they kept coming! The bartender turned to the man and quite angrily said:

"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" - said the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

Category: Gay Liberation Front NOT HIS DAY

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against it. Seeing this, he inquired:

"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," - the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man said:

"Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked:

"What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day."

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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Category: From the Mouths of Babes MOMENTARY DIFFICULTY

On their way home from kindergarten, the two tots saw a ravishing blonde on the other side of the street. .

“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”

“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”

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Friday, November 13, 2009

Category: From the Mouths of Babes HE HAS A POINT

On returning from kindergarten, the little boy polished off a big portion of chocolate cake his grandmother served him, and declared with great satisfaction:

“When I grow up, I shall marry Granny.”

“You cannot marry Granny,” - objected his father. “She is my mother!”

“Didn’t you marry my mother?”

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Category: For Your Kids

“I tried to use gum instead of cigarettes.”

“And with what results?”

“None whatsoever. Gum smells like hell when you light up.”

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Category: Ethnic Stories IS IT THAT LATE

Hershl had been living in Paris for nearly a year and was very proud of the French phrases he had picked up. One day, he decided to test his knowledge and on the Mètro, asked a Frenchman:

“Quelle heure est il?”

In a typical Parisienne way the man uttered:

“Je ne sais pas”.

This unexpected reply found Hershl out of his depth:

“Is it that late?” – he said.

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Category: Ethnic Stories DEPENDS ON YOUR VIEWPOINT

A man fancied the Polish peasant’s beautiful, young spouse, but did not know how to achieve his purpose, as the husband guarded his wife jealously and did not let her out of his eyesight. One night he was awakened from deep sleep by a knock on the window of his cottage.

“Janek, look out! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Thoroughly shocked, Janek sat up in his bed and looked to the pillow next to him. His lady was right there, sleeping soundly.

“Silly joker,” - grumbled Janek to himself and drifted off again. After a while, another knock came and a voice called again:

“Watch it, Janek! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Janek looked again and again there was nobody else in their marital bed.

After the third knock on his window, Janek got really mad, put on his pants, opened the door and walked around the cottage, to see who was at the back window, disturbing his sleep. That was the opportunity the secret admirer was waiting for. As soon as Janek left the room, he slipped through the door and got into bed, next to Janek’s wife.

When Janek reached the back window he obviously did not find anyone there. He started to return to the room, when he happened to look through the window and saw the stranger in bed next to his wife. He scratched his head and said wonderingly:

“From the outside it certainly looks that way!”

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Monday, November 09, 2009

Category: Ethnic Stories WHO IS MINDING THE STORE?

The family was all assembled around the bedside of a dying old Jew. With his eyes closed, his voice feeble, the patriarch asked:

“Is Sara here?”

“Yes, my dear,” - answered his faithful wife. “I am here by your side.”

“And is Abraham here?”

“Yes, Papa,”

“Are Reuven, Tamar and Rivka and little Moses nearby?”

“Yes, Papa, we are,” - replied the children in unison.

Abruptly the old man sat up and with his stern eyes wide open, looked at his loved ones:

“If everybody is here,” - he shouted - “then who the hell is minding the store?”

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Sunday, November 08, 2009

Category: Ethnic Stories ACCURATE DESCRIPTION

A construction worker fell off some scaffolding and died on the spot. The police sergeant, who came to investigate the work accident, was told to speak to the two Polish workers, who had worked with the dead man for the last several years. He started off with a few simple questions:

“Can you tell me the name of the deceased?”

“John,” - came the prompt answer from both of the men.

“John who?”

The two shrugged:

“We don’t know. We never asked him his surname.”

“So maybe you can tell me his address?”

Another shrug.

“We don’t know. After work John always went to the right, we went to the left and that is all we know.”

The sergeant tried another track:

“Does he have a wife, or any other family?”

“We don’t know. We never asked.”

Now the policeman became really exasperated.

“Is there anything you do know?”

The two were overjoyed. At last they could be of help:

“We know that John had two schmucks.”

“How can you know such a thing?” - asked the surprised sergeant.

“Well, on pay-day we used to have a beer together and every time we entered the pub the bartender said:

“Here comes John and his two schmucks!”

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Saturday, November 07, 2009

Category: Ethnic Stories A HARDENED CRIMINAL

A Ukrainian accused of murder and armed robbery was brought before an investigating judge. As he didn’t speak English, the court appointed an interpreter for him. A transcript from the investigation:

Judge: “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Interpreter: (in Ukrainian) “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Accused: “Yes, I do.”

Interpreter: “Yes, I do.”

Judge: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Interpreter: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Accused: “That is my secret.”

Interpreter: “That is my secret.”

Judge: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Interpreter: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Accused: “I buried it in the church yard.”

Interpreter: “I prefer to die.”

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Friday, November 06, 2009

Category: Ecumenical Stories GIVING IT UP

A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer thought to himself:

“I'd give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walked up to him and whispered

“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless, but also that perhaps this was a good omen and it will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and said:

“OK.” – and sunk the putt. Two holes later he mumbled to himself:

“Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugged his shoulders and said:

“Sure.”

And he made an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needed yet another eagle to win.

Though he said nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer said:

“Certainly.”

And he made the eagle. As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said:

“You know, I've not really been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” – says the golfer. “My name is Father O'Malley and I'm a Catholic priest.”

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