Sunday, October 31, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

(NOT SO) UNWILLING VICTIM

Brenda O'Malley was home, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrived at her door.

Brenda, may I come in?” - he asked. “I've somethin' to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?”

“That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”

“Oh, God no!” - cried Brenda. “Please don't tell me...”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up.

“How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda...no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

AN HONORARY POSITION

At the bottom of every New Year greeting card, received from Brown, the small town retailer, there was an invitation to come and visit him “if you want to breathe some unspoiled country air”. One day, his big city family decided to take him up on his invitation. Reaching his town, they stopped their car at the first passersby, a poorly dressed fellow and asked directions.

“Brown, that cheapskate, who never donated a penny for charity,” - answered the man angrily, - “he lives at the upper end of the town, where all the bloodsuckers of his kind live.”

They drove on in the general direction indicated and stopped again at a small shop.

“If you are looking for that crook, that scoundrel Brown, may he drop dead” - answered the visibly agitated shopkeeper - “he lives in a red tiled big house, may it burn down, on the 5th street to the left.”

Two other people expressed similar derogatory views about the visitor’s kinsman. Finally they reached his home and received a warm welcome. Brown showed them around his spacious house and told them that he was recently elected the Chairman of the local Merchants’ Association.

“Does the job pay well?” - asked the visitors.

“It does not pay at all, but you gain stature and a lot of respect in the community.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Friday, October 29, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

LAST WORDS

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service, as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

“What's bothering you so, dear?” - inquired Farther O'Grady.

“Oh, father, I've got terrible news,” - replied Mary.

“Well what is it, Mary?”

“Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.”

“Oh, Mary” - said the father, - “that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”

“Well yes, he did father,” - replied Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

“He said, 'Please Mary, put down the gun...'“

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

BIG HELP

An American was visiting Glasgow. Having difficulty in understanding the local brogue, he asked one of the locals:

“What is the meaning of ‘I dina kenn?”

“I don’t know.”

“Big help you are,” - murmured the American.

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

FRUSTRATION

The blonde version of the Irish joke published yesterday:

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

“Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said:

“By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her. She took aim and shot, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouted out:

“Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

IRISH STEW

Paddy happened to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day and in the window he spotted a pair of shoes. He liked them, so he entered the shop and asked the shop assistant:

“How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?”

“Those are 500 pounds, sir,” - replied the assistant.

“Begorrah!” - exclaimed Paddy, - “dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes.”

“Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare,” - said the assistant.

Paddy certainly couldn't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes, so he left the shop and went home. He told his brother Mick about the shoes and Mick had a brilliant idea:

“Sure, Paddy and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!”

Paddy was very impressed with this idea, so off they both went to Africa and hired a guide to show them the most crocodile-infested river. They made camp and Mick said to Paddy:

“Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck.”

So off Mick went back to town with the guide, leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles. A couple of weeks later, Mick had pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and was running low on cash, so he decided to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy was getting on. As he pulled into the camp in the truck, he saw crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles. He jumped out of the truck and went in search of Paddy and just then there was a commotion in the river, loads of splashing and Paddy came to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile, which he wrestled to the shore, then clubbed to death.

“How's it going, there, Paddy?” - asked Mick.

“Terrible,” - replied Paddy, - “in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Monday, October 25, 2010

Category: So Called'English' Jokes

WEATHERPROOF

A wife to her husband:

“Are you going to water the lawn in this weather? It’s raining cats and dogs!”

“So what? I have an impermeable raincoat.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

GIVING IT UP

A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer thought to himself:

“I'd give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walked up to him and whispered

“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless, but also that perhaps this was a good omen and it will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and said:

“OK.” – and sunk the putt. Two holes later he mumbled to himself:

“Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugged his shoulders and said:

“Sure.”

And he made an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needed yet another eagle to win.

Though he said nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer said:

“Certainly.”

And he made the eagle. As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said:

“You know, I've not really been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” – says the golfer. “My name is Father O'Malley and I'm a Catholic priest.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

PRICELESS ADVICE

Cohen came to the rabbi:

“Rabbi, you are such a wise and learned person, advise me what to do with my geese. They are dying off one by one.”

“Change their water every morning.”

Three days later Cohen returned to the rabbi:

“Rabbi, my geese are still dropping.”

“Give them some fresh oats.”

Three days later Cohen returned once again:

“Rabbi, the geese are still dropping dead.”

“Try to whitewash their enclosure.”

Three days later Cohen and the rabbi ran into each other:

“Rabbi, every last one of my geese has perished.”

“What a pity, I still have so many pieces of good advice left.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Friday, October 22, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

ORTHODOX WEDDING

A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding, met with their rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asked if they had any last questions. The man asked:
“Rabbi, is it true that men and women don't dance together?”
“Yes,” - said the rabbi. “For modesty reasons, men and women always dance separately.”
“So at our wedding, I can't dance with my own wife?”
“Absolutely not. It’s immodest.
“Well, okay,” - said the man, - “but what about sex?”
“Fine,” - said the rabbi. “It is a mitzvah*, a good thing within the marriage to have children!”
“What about different positions?” - the man asked.
“No problem,” - said the rabbi. “It's a mitzvah!”
“Woman on top?” - the man asked.
“Sure,” - replied the rabbi – “go for it. Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!”
“Without clothes?”
“Of course! It's a mitzvah!”
“Doggy style?"
"Why not? Another mitzvah!"
“Even on the table?”
“Yes, yes! It's a mitzvah!”
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
“Well, what about standing up?”
“OH, NO! NO!” said the rabbi.
“Why not???” asked the man.
“Could lead to dancing!”
* Mitzvah: A worthy deed, conforming to Jewish religious law.
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

TRADITION

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man:

“Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

The old man answered:

“No, that is not the tradition.”

The one whose followers sat said:

“Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!”

The old man answered:

“No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man:

“But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit, or stand...”

The old man interrupted, exclaiming:

“THAT is the tradition!”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

ABSOLUTION

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.

“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next Nun admitted that:

“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

PLAYING IT SAFE

Two cars collided at an intersection. When the dust settled, a shaken man stepped out of each wreck. One of them was a catholic priest, the other a rabbi. Miraculously none them were more than slightly scratched. Rejoiced the rabbi:

“Brother, this was a divine act! We could have been dead now, but here we are safe and sound. This must be a sign from the Almighty that we should become friends.”

“Indeed, this must be the will of God!” - agreed the priest.

“And look, even this bottle of kosher wine is unbroken. That means we must finish it.”

“Right,” - said the priest, took a few healthy slugs from the bottle and returned it to his colleague. But the rabbi just shook his head.

“Aren’t you going to drink?”

“Maybe it would be better if I waited until the police arrive.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Monday, October 18, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

FAMILY MATTER

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the sight of a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed:

Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,” - the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how do you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I'm not,” - the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?”

“I'm afraid I can't, Sister.”

“Do you have any close relatives, then?”

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” - replied the man, - “but she's a spinster nun.”

“Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” - the nun replied. “They are married to God.”

“Okay,” - the man said with a smile, - “then bill my brother-in-law.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

INFALLIBLE SIGN

A man wondered, if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he was not sure if sex was work, or play. He asked a priest for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest said:

“ My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thought:

“Outside of young boys, what does a priest know of sex?”

He went to a minister, a married and experienced man, for the answer. He queried the minister and received the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he sought out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of year’s tradition and knowledge, a Rabbi. The Rabbi pondered the question and stated:

“My son, sex is definitely play.”

The man replied:

“Rabbi, how can you be so sure, when so many others told me sex is work?!”

The Rabbi spoke softly:

“If sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it.”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE KEY TO HEAVEN

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued:

“And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”

Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search