Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

LOGICAL
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
 "Yes," - said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked:
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

CHANNELHOPPER
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said:
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied:
"NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
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Monday, October 29, 2012

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

HOPELESS

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face:
"Why do you do that, mommy?" - he asked. 
"To make myself beautiful," - said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
 "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Category: For Your Kids

POLITE GUYS
“Hello, is this 2566-342?”
“No, it is 2565-342.”
“Sorry, wrong number.”
‘Never mind, the phone was ringing anyway.”
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Saturday, October 27, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

BRIEF NOTES
¬ The Polish wife looked at herself in the mirror and uttered:
“The son-of-the-bitch really deserves it!”
¬ Question:
“In Scotland, how does a policeman go about dispersing a crowd?”  
Answer:
“He takes off his cap and starts a collection.”
¬ Question:
“When abroad, how does a Scotsman manage to conceal his identity?”
Answer:
“He tips the bell-boy at the hotel.”
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Friday, October 26, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

LENIN
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union to immigrate to Israel. When searched at the Moscow airport, customs found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: “What is that?”
Old man: “What is that? Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!”
The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, Israeli customs found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: “What is that?”
Old man: “What is that? Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The 'Chaleria' (disparaging sobriquet) …! I will display him in my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home.“
The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: “Who is that?”
Old man: “Who is that? Don't say 'Who is that?' say 'What is that?' That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!”  
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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them:
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” - the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was:
“NO!”
By now I was starting to smile.
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered:
“NO!”
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued:
“Then how can I get into heaven?”
A six year-old boy shouted out:
“YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...." 

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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

SALES CAMPAIGN
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read:
“FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP”
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8 and the proprietor said:
“You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said:
“Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy:
 “I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.”
Paddy replied:
“No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.”
 
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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

TIE
 A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked:
“Do you have water?”
 The Jewish man replied:
“I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted:
“Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie; I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.”
“OK,” - said the old Jewish man, - “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.
“Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie.”
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Monday, October 22, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

WRONG ANSWER
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon the completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said:
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said:
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied:
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" - asked Murphy.
The manager replied:
"Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'
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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Category: 'English' Jokes

THAT EXPLAINS IT
A man entered a restaurant and ordered a portion of spaghetti. When the waiter brought out his order, he took the steaming plate and poured its contents over his head.
“But Sir,” - said the astonished waiter, - “this is spaghetti!”
“Really,” - replied the customer - “I thought it was spinach.”
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Saturday, October 20, 2012

Category: Ecumenical Stories

TURBULENCE
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said:
"You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied:
"Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
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Friday, October 19, 2012

Category: Ecumenical Stories

MARTIAN STORY
Two astronauts landed on Mars.  Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
"Give me the box of matches" - said one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."
He took the box and was ready to strike a match when out of the blue a Martian appeared waving all his arms:
 "No, no, don't!" 
The two guys looked at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, the first one took up again the match. Now a crowd of hysterical Martians came, all waving their arms:
"No, no, don't do that!" 
"It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars".
He stroke the match, which flamed up, burned down, and..... nothing happened.
"Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"
The leader of the Martians said:
"It is Shabbos today!"
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Thursday, October 18, 2012

Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE PASTOR'S ASS
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won
again.
The local paper read:
Pastor's ass out front!
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day, the  local
paper headline read:
Bishop scratches pastor's ass!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:
Nun has the best ass in town!
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun, that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day's paper read:
Nun sells ass for $10!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild. The next day
the headlines read:
Nun announces her ass is wild and free!
Alas; the bishop was buried the next day.
Moral of the story? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much
grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Category: Drinking Problem

TALKING CLOCK
     A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What's that big brass gong?” - one of the guests asked.
“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” - the drunk replied.
 “A talking clock? Seriously?' - asked his astonished friend.  
“Yup,” - replied the drunk.
“How's it work?' - the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” - the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
“You butt-head! It's three-fifteen in the morning”.
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

THE NEW HOSPITAL WING
When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital:
 
The Allergists voted to scratch it.
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
 
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
 
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
 
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
 
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
 
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration!!!
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Monday, October 15, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

FOUR-LETTER WORD
A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse asked him how he is feeling:
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,"- he answered.
"What word was it?" - asked the nurse.
"OOPS!" 
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Sunday, October 14, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

SHRINK

A man went to a shrink and said:
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," – said the Doctor, - "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

EASY DIAGNOSIS
A recent college graduate went to see his doctor.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me," - he said. "Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure," - the doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands."
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Friday, October 12, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

PRACTICING HIS ART

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man turned and snarled:
"Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," - said the guy, - "you see, I'm a Chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art."
"'That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!' - the guy replied. "I work for Revenue Canada. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

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Thursday, October 11, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

PERFECT SCORE
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, the gynecologist decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying:
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said:
"During the exam, you  took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say:
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

SINCERITY
Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth:
 “I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”
Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer:
“Yes.”
“Who is it?”
In a little stronger tone, the patient said:
“Another doctor.”
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Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Category: C'est la Vie

LANDMARK EVENT
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly and it reverberated down the hall! He was quite embarrassed, but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him:
"Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied:
"Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" - asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him:
"Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied:
"Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many, many years."
The clerk asked:
"Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"
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Monday, October 08, 2012

Category: Business is Business

TITLE
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel called up the Pope and asked for a favor. The Pope said:
"What can I do?
"The Colonel said:
"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replied:
"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."
 So the Colonel hanged up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panicked and called again:
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responded:
"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel got desperate:
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us
this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replied:
"Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope called together all of his cardinals and said:
"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The cardinals rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news.
The Pope replied:
"The bad news is that we are going to lose the Wonder Bread account."
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Sunday, October 07, 2012

Category: Boys and Girls

SOME LAWS OF SEX
¬ Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
¬ Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
¬ Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
¬ Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
¬ Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
¬ After 2 a.m. there are no ugly women.
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Saturday, October 06, 2012

Category: Boys and Girls

CATLOVERS
   Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on her towel, on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him:
"Hello sir," – she began. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," – he responded and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" – she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," – he replied.
"Do you live around here?" – she asked.
"Yes," – he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted.
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man:
"How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied:
"How did you know my name was Katz"?
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