Friday, December 31, 2010

Category: Gay Liberation Front

FAMILY TRADITION

The veteran fighter for gay rights was interviewed:

“Tell me sir, was your father also gay?”

“Yes, he was.”

“And your grandfather?”

“He too.”

“And your uncle?”

“Yes, of course. it is a tradition with us.”

“So is there nobody in your family who likes pussy?”

“Actually there is. My sister.”

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Category: From the Nouts of Babes

A SAD EVENT

It was a rainy Sunday in London (what else?) and the family was cooped up inside the small apartment. The father felt horny, so in order to have the necessary undisturbed solitude, he hit upon an idea to keep his son occupied.

“You know what, Billy boy, look out through the window and I shall give you a penny for every man in a top hat that you see on the street.”

The child liked the game, ran to the living-room window and while he was watching the scene below, his parents were busily consummating their marriage. Soon the boy’s voice was heard from the other room:

“Daddy, I see a man in a top hat.”

“Excellent, you earned yourself a penny,” - shouted the father and went on banging away.

“Two men wearing top hats came out of a house.”

“All right son, I owe you three pennies.”

Suddenly the boy yelled exultantly:

“Poppy, this fuck will cost you plenty! A funeral procession is coming around the corner.”

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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

ABNORMAL FAMILY

Like every developing boy, Moishe’le was curious about the facts of life and kept pestering his parents with questions. One day he asked his father:

“Daddy, how did I come into the world?”

Like most parents, the father thought, that his son is too young to learn the real facts of life, so he responded:

“The stork brought you, my son!”

“How could the stork get into the house?” - wondered the child.

“Through the chimney of course.”

“And how did you come into the world?” - asked the boy.

“I too was brought by a stork.”

“And how about grandpa?”

“He too was brought by a stork.”

Moishe’le seemed to be very unhappy with this state of affairs. He scratched his head and uttered half loudly:

“There is definitely something wrong with this family. For three generations nobody was screwing!”

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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

RIDDLES

One morning, the teacher posed a riddle to the class:

“There are four birds on a tree. A naughty child throws a stone at the tree and hits one bird. How many birds are left on the tree?”

“Three birds,” - shouted Moishe’le, happy that for once he knew the answer.

“There is a certain logic in your reply,” - said the teacher, - “but the correct answer is: None! The remaining birds were frightened and flew away.”

Moishe’le was quite mad for being taken in by such a simple question and asked the teacher if he may pose a riddle too. With her pupil’s reputation, the teacher was none too happy about the idea, but being a fair person, let him continue.

“On a hot, summer day, three women each have a cone of ice cream. One of them licks the ice cream, the other sucks it and the third just eats it up. Which of the women is married?”

The teacher felt trapped, but hazarded a reply:

“It seems probable, that the one who sucks the ice cream.”

“The correct answer is: The one, with a ring on her finger,” - said Moishe’le gleefully, - “but your answer has a certain logic to it.”

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Monday, December 27, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

NO PROFITEERING

A child opened the door to his sister’s room just when she was engaged in making passionate love to her boyfriend. The alarmed man offered the boy $20, lest he should tell his parents of their misbehavior, but the boy said:

“$10 will be enough. You shouldn’t pay more than the rest of them.”

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

PANACEA

A child to his mother:

“Mummy, can you buy me a tampon?”

“Why on the Earth do you need a tampon?” - wondered the mother.

“I read in the newspaper that you can do everything with a tampon, swim, play tennis and even ride a horse.”

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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

MOMENTARY DIFFICULTY

On their way home from kindergarten, the two tots saw a ravishing blonde on the other side of the street. .

“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”

“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”

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Friday, December 24, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

HE HAS A POINT

On returning from kindergarten, the little boy polished off a big portion of chocolate cake his grandmother served him, and declared with great satisfaction:

“When I grow up, I shall marry Granny.”

“You cannot marry Granny,” - objected his father. “She is my mother!”

“Didn’t you marry my mother?”

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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

THE NATURE OF GOD

A nine-year old boy went up to his mother and asked:

“Is God male or female?”

After thinking a moment, his mother responded:

“Well, God is both male and female.”

This confused the little boy, so he asked:

“Is God black or white?”

“Well, God is both black and white.”

This confused the boy even more, so he asked:

“Is God gay or straight?”

Now it was the mother who was getting concerned, but she answered anyway:

“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

At this, the boy's face lighted up with understanding and he triumphantly asked:

“Is God Michael Jackson?”

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

PEEPING TOMS

The teacher was a pretty young thing and the adolescents in her class showed great interest in her hidden charms. One day, she was giving an assignment to her class. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the blackboard. Suddenly, one of the boys sniggered loudly. She quickly turned and saw that it was a boy in the third row.

“What's so funny Pat?” - demanded the teacher.

“I just saw one of your garters, teacher” - answered the boy.

“Get out of my classroom,” - she yelled. “I don't want to see you for three days.”

The teacher went back to writing the assignment. Realizing she had forgotten to title it, she reached to the very top of the blackboard. Suddenly there was an even louder giggle from another student. Again she turned and asked:

“What's so funny Billy?”

“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yelled:

“Get out!” This time the punishment was even more severe. “I don't want to see you for a week.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, when she returned to finishing the assignment, she dropped the eraser. As she bent over to pick it up, she saw, that Moishe’le, who sat in the first row, stood up, collected his things and started to leave the class.

“And where do you think you are going?” - asked the teacher.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw,” - answered Moishe’le - “ my school days are probably over.”

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

SO FAR...

Mr. and Mrs. Brown listened with an apologetic smile to their 6-year old son’s story, about how he played doctor with their neighbor’s daughter, 7-year old Monica.

“We want to marry,” - declared Lance decisively.

“That’s nice,” - said the father, - “but shouldn’t you wait for a while? After all, you are so young. And anyway, how are going to pay the bills?”

“Oh, we discussed that, “ - answered Lance. “We shall pool our pocket money and in winter clear away the snow for the neighbors. We will manage very nicely.”

“And what will you do when you have a baby?” - asked Mrs. Brown.

Lance raised his eyes to his mother:

“So far we've been lucky!”

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Monday, December 20, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

HIDE AND SEEK

The phone rang and Moishe’le answered it:

“Hi Moishe’le, tell me, where is your father?”

“In the attic with the firemen,” - whispered Moishe’le.

“And your mother?”

“In the cellar with the policemen,” - whispered Moishe’le in an even quieter voice.

“And your sister?”

“In the garden with the soldiers.”

“What the heck is happening at your place. What are they all doing?”

“Searching for me.”

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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

COLOR CODING

At a wedding a child asks his mother:

“Mummy why is that woman in a white dress?”

“The bride is wearing a white dress, because this is the happiest day of her life and white is the color of happiness.”

The child reflects for a while on his mother’s answer and then asks again:

“Then why is the bridegroom in black?”

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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

ANIMAL LOVER

The young father had made up his mind to always tell his offspring the truth. Therefore, during a walk on the beach when they saw a couple of dogs mating and his son asked what they were doing, embarrassed though he was, he answered:

“Little puppies.”

The next morning the boy opened his parents’ door just when they were having sex. Again he asked:

“What are you doing?”

Again his father truthfully answered:

“A little brother for you.”

“Daddy, can’t you turn Mummy over? I would much prefer getting a puppy.”

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Friday, December 17, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

NOT VERY HELPFUL

It was the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class:

“If any of you has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers.”

After a moment of quiet thought, one little boy asked:

“And how will that help?”

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

GOOD REASON

The kindhearted teacher saw Moishe’le wailing bitterly in the corridor.

“Why are you crying Moishe’le?” - she asked.

“The headmaster fell down the stairs.”

“But that is no reason to cry. Nothing happened to him.”

“Yes, but everybody saw it except for me!”

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Category: For Your Kids

EASY BET

The Inland Revenue decided to audit Clement, summoned him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who was not surprised when Clement arrived with his solicitor. The auditor said:

“Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty's Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.”

“I am a great gambler and can prove it,” - said Clement. “Would you like a demonstration?”

The auditor considered this for a moment and agreed. Clement said:

“I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a while, finally said:

“It's a bet.”

Clement removed his glass eye and bite it. The auditor looked sick.

“I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye” - said Clement. The auditor could see Clement wasn't blind, so he accepted the bet. Clement removed his false teeth and bite the good eye. The stunned auditor now realized he has bet and lost £3,000, with Clement's solicitor as a witness; he got very nervous.

"Double or quits?” - said Clement. “I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the right-hand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.”

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but examined the proposal carefully. Clement was not a tall man; he was old;, the desk was eight foot wide; he decided there is simply no way Clement could do that, so he agreed again. Clement stood at the side of the desk, unzipped his trousers, strained for all he was worth, but could not make the stream reach the bin on the far side and finished up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leapt with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then noticed that Clement's solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” - asked the auditor.

“Not really,” said the solicitor. “This morning, when Clement told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000, that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet."

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

THE WRONG BITCH

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England and then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

“Could I please sit in that seat?” - he asked. The lady was insulted.

“You Americans are so rude,” - she said, - “can't you see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I may sit down,” - he said. The lady replied:

“You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but he was so tired that he finally said:

“Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied:

“You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up:

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

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Monday, December 13, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

NUMBERING SYSTEM

A young Chinese couple got married – and she was a virgin. Truth be told, he was a virgin too, but she didn't know that. On the wedding night, she cowered naked under the bed sheets as her husband undressed in the darkness. He climbed in next to her and tried to be reassuring:

“My daring" – he whispered – "I know dis you firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want, you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" – he said, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hoped will impress her.

A thoughtful silence followed and he waited patiently (and eagerly) for her request. After a while she shyly whispered back:

"I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asked her:

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"

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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

EQUAL TREATMENT

The first grade class came in from recess. The teacher asked Alice:

“What did you do at recess?”

Alice: “I played in the sand box.”

Teacher: “That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write correctly 'sand', I'll give you a freshly-baked cookie.”

Alice did and got a cookie.

The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess.

Billy: “I played with Alice in the sand box.”

Teacher: “Good. If you manage to write correctly 'box' on the blackboard, I'll give you a freshly-baked cookie.”

Billy did and got a cookie too.

The teacher then asked Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He said:

“I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.”

Teacher: “They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can write on the blackboard 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie.”

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Thursday, December 02, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

THE CLEVEREST BY FAR

Asked, what he considered the cleverest invention, the Pole scratched his head and answered:

“I would say that it is the thermos bottle.”

“Can you explain why?” - asked his mate.

“Somehow it always seems to know that a cold drink has to be kept cool and a hot one warm.”

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Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

WIDOWS

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, were talking:

Sadie: “That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before answer I give him.” Yetta: “Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch (=decent human being) he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but such a beautiful car...a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner, marvelous dinner. Kosher even! Then we go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just burst! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!”

Sadie: “Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?”

Yetta: “No... I'm just saying that if you do, you should wear a shmatta (=rag).”

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