Category: Marital Bliss PERFECT MATCH A woman was having an affair with her husband’s best friend. One afternoon, when the husband was at his office, they met at her apartment. Just when they relaxed following a steamy session, the phone rang. The wife picked up the phone and after a short conversation, put it back in its cradle and started laughing. “It was my husband,” – she giggled. “And what is so funny about that?” – asked her lover. “He said, that he is playing tennis with you.”

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Category: Marital Bliss FLIP-FLOP “My husband flips a coin every night, so he can decide whether to go to the pub, or not. If it comes up heads, he goes.” “And if it comes up tails?” “Then he flips it again. YES, DEAR The husband looked up from his newspaper: “Did you say anything sweetie?” “I did, but that was yesterday.”

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Category: Marital Bliss FAIRY TALES The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales. “Mommy,” – asked the child, – “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon a Time...?’” “No, dearest,” - replied the mother, – “sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . .’”

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Category: Male Chauvinist UNNATURAL ACT Two men met on the street. One seemed to be in a big hurry. Asked the other one: “What is the rush, old buddy?” “I must hurry home to cook dinner.” “Is your wife sick?” “No, she’s hungry.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists BRANDED FOR LIFE A couple celebrated their 10th anniversary. The husband had a request from his wife: “You know, we have been married now for 10 years, but you never have satisfied me orally.” “Stop right there!” – exclaimed the wife. “I would never do such a disgusting thing.” 15 years passed. At their silver anniversary the husband came up with his wish again and once more was firmly rebuffed. 25 years passed. At the couple’s golden anniversary, the husband, rather timidly, mentioned his request again. This time the wife thought about it and decided, that after all they had been married for 50 years and she could try it once. So she knelt down before her husband, opened his fly and took his member into her mouth. At that moment the phone rang. The husband answered it and then passed the receiver to his wife: “It is you they want, you fellating slut!”

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Category: Loonies NUCLEAR ARSENAL On New Year’s Eve, the inmates of the loony bin put on a show. The first to appear on the stage, a heavyset, huge man, clad only in his briefs, flexed his mighty muscles and declared: “I am a hydrogen bomb!” Everybody clapped his hands. Next to come on stage was a thin, paltry fellow, stark naked, who shouted in a thin, reedy voice: “I am an atomic bomb.” Most of the audience got on its feet and in sheer panic escaped from the auditorium. A visitor managed to stop one of them and curiously inquired: “A hydrogen bomb is much mightier, than an atomic bomb. Why did you run only when the second man appeared on stage?” “Did you see how short his fuse was?” – answered the inmate and went on running.

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Category: Lawyers BIRDS OF FEATHER A man walked into a bar. He saw a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walked up behind her and said: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?” She turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it. And, always want more." He said: "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

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Category: Indians MATHEMATICALLY MINDED In the Mohawk tribe, three pregnant women gave birth on the same day. The one who slept on horsehide gave birth to a boy; the second who slept on buffalo hide gave birth to a girl and the third who slept on a mattress made of hippopotamus hide, had twins. The young chief, who has just majored in math, described the event as follows: “The squaw of hippopotamus is equal to the sum of squaws of the other two hides.”

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Category: In the Middle East ONE-TRACK MIND Most Israeli children never see snow. The elementary school teacher, wanting somehow to demonstrate this natural phenomenon, prepared a bag with small, white paper pellets and while explaining to her class the differences between the European and Israeli winter, threw them into the air. “Children, what does this remind you of?” - she asked. A girl raised her finger. “Yes, Miriam!” - said the teacher. “It reminds me of the day, when a pillow-case was torn and the feathers flew all over our house.” “Very good, but I thought of something slightly different.” Another girl said that the falling pellets reminded her of falling snow, as she saw in a film. “Excellent, Tamar!” - commented the teacher and wanted to continue with the lesson, when she noticed yet another raised finger. “Yes, Moishe’le. What does this remind you of?” “Of sex,” - said the child. “Sex?” - wondered the teacher. “How does that come into it?” “Everything reminds me of sex!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations GOOD EXCUSE A 87 year old woman convinced the traffic cop not to give her a ticket for speeding, by claiming: "I was in a hurry to get there, before I forget where I'm going."

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Category: Ghost Stories FORCE OF HABIT The passenger in the taxicab wanted to light a cigarette when he noticed that he had no matches. At a traffic-light he leaned forward and tapped the driver’s shoulder: “Do you mind if I light up?’ The driver shrieked and turned around with an ashen face. The passenger was embarrassed: “Excuse me for giving you a shock. I only wanted to ask you for a light.” “It’s really not your fault sir, but I’m replacing the regular driver only temporarily. usually I drive a hearse.”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies TALL ORDER A farmer was plowing his field when his plow struck a hard object. He bent down to see what it was and saw that it was a very old looking earthen jug. His curiosity aroused, he opened the heavily sealed stopper and out came a spirit with a big whoosh, 10 meters tall, bearded, turbaned, looking for all purposes like a Turkish pasha. The genie sighed, stretched luxuriously and then folding his arms on his chest bowed to the fearful farmer and in a deep rumbling voice vocalized: “Don’t be afraid. I have been locked in this bottle for 10,000 years and am indebted to you, mortal being, for setting me free. I am yours to serve and will fulfill any wish you may have.” The farmer thought for a while and then said: “It would benefit me and my family and also the country, if I could have an oil well in my courtyard.” The genie looked embarrassed: “Take pity on me! I am only a minor spirit and out of practice at that. Cannot you wish for something easier?” The farmer deliberated again and finally replied: “I am married for 20 years to a Polish woman and I never had good sex with her. Could you grant me just one enjoyable, satisfying night with her?” The spirit was dumbfounded by this request. He scratched his head and then said: “Maybe I’ll try my hand with the oil well after all.”

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Category: Gay Liberation Front FAIRY TALE Two pillars of the gay community passed the time of day on Washington Bridge, just watching the empty beer cans bobbing up and down in the dirty water. Suddenly, one of them pointed: “Look at that ferry-boat!” His surprised companion said: “I didn’t know we have a Navy?”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes GOOD REASON The kindhearted teacher saw Moishe’le wailing bitterly in the corridor. “Why are you crying Moishe’le?” - she asked. “The headmaster fell down the stairs.” “But that is no reason to cry. Nothing happened to him.” “Yes, but everybody saw it except for me!”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes REPORT CARD A little girl and the mother were shopping. The girl asked her mother: “How old are you?” Mommy said: “Honey, you'll learn later on in life that women don't talk about their age.” The girl then asked: “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Mommy said: “That's another thing women don't talk about.”. The girl, still wanting to know about her mother asked: “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” Mommy said: “Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much and I don't want to talk about it now.” The little girl was frustrated. She told her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said: “All you have to do is to sneak a look at your mother's driver’s license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.” The little girl and her mother were shopping again. The girl said: “Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.” Mommy was very surprised. She asked: “Sweetheart, how did you do that?” The girl shrugged and said: “I just know and I also know that you weigh 120 pounds.” The mother was flabbergasted. She asked: “Where did you learn all that???” The little girl said: “I just know that's all and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ' F ' in sex.”

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Category: For Your Kids DOUBTING THOMASES Jim’s friends knew that even though he is a good pal, ever ready to extend a helping hand to those in need, hygiene is not his forte. So, when they received invitations for the premier of a new drama, Jim was told that he could come only if he promised to wear clean socks. Opening night came around and the well-dressed crowd trooped into the theater. As the friends took their seats, an awful stench was felt. They all looked accusingly at Jim and asked: “But you promised...?” “I did change my socks,” - said the man, - “but I knew you would not believe me. So, I brought the evidence with me!” With that, he pulled a pair of dirty socks out of his pocket and raised them for all to see.

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Category: Ethnic Stories SICKLY NIGHTLIFE Bern must be one of the dullest cities in Switzerland, if not the whole of Europe. At one of the best hotels, a tourist asked the clerk at the Reception desk: “Is there any night-life in Bern?” “I am sorry, Sir,” – answered the clerk, – “but it seems that she is sick tonight.” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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