Category: Naughty Jokes

SWEET REVENGE

A married guy was out getting laid, when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying:

“Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?”

To which she replied:

“Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”

When she went to view the body, she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him, she said softly:

“Hurts, doesn't it?”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

LENT

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied:

“Because it's Lent.”

“Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard” – she exclaimed, close to tears. “To whom and for how long?!”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

MOANING

Morris came home to find his wife, Sadie, crying:

“I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Morris confessed:

“It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!”

“If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I too can moan during sex!”

So they retired to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed beneath the sheets. As they began to kiss, Sadie asked:

“Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Morris began fondling Sadie:

“What about now? Should I moan now?”

“No, I'll tell you when.”

He climbed on top of Sadie and began to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”

“Wait, I'll tell you when.”

A moment later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled: “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

PITIFUL STATE

A middle-aged man was riding the subway with his fly open. A boy whispered in his ear:

“Uncle, half of your wee-wee is hanging out.”

The man sighed:

“Unfortunately, that’s all of it.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

TELLING GESTURE

The Madam of an exclusive brothel in Paris went to the marketplace to do her weekly shopping. First, she went to the greengrocer’s, chose some tomatoes, a few onions, took a bag of peeled potatoes, looked at the beautifully polished apples and then, picking up a banana, asked the greengrocer:

“How much are these bananas?”

“For you Madam, 15 francs,” - was the answer.

The good lady was surprised:

“How on Earth did you know, that I am a Madam.”

“From the way you hold the banana!”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

WRITER'S CRAMP

Mrs. Smith and Mr. Peabody – both consenting adults – had a long-running relationship. A set of previously agreed code words enabled the couple to communicate, without endangering their happy marriages. The code for arranging a meeting was “typewriter.”

One day Mr. Peabody felt horny and thought that meeting Mrs. Smith would somewhat alleviate his state. So, he sent his son over to the Smiths and told him to ask the mistress of the house if he can borrow their typewriter. The boy came back soon and conveyed Mrs. Smith’s regret, saying the machine only has a red ribbon.

A week passed. Mrs. Smith already had a black ribbon, but there was no word from Mr. Peabody. At last, she decided to send over her daughter with a message that the typewriter is now available for his use. But Mr. Peabody no longer needed it. He told the girl to pass the message to her mother that he has already written by hand.

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

SURE SIGN

The two women were neighbors for many years. One of them noticed that every time she hung out her washing, it started raining, whereas when the other woman decided to do her washing the weather was always fair. One day she decided to ask her neighbor if she has some sort of system for ascertaining the weather on the day she hangs her laundry.

The woman replied:

“It is really very simple. I’m always up first in the morning and before getting out of bed, I raise the blanket and have a look inside my husband’s pajama bottoms. If I find that his organ has fallen to the left side, I know it will rain, but if it happens to fall to the right, I am positive the sun will shine.”

“And what if his penis stays in the middle?” - insisted her neighbor.

“In that case, who wants to bother with the washing!”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

SEXUAL HARRASMENT

Duracell Bunny became a victim of sexual harassment. Normally, the Bunny keeps going and going and going.... But somebody reversed the polarity and the Bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

FLOWER ARRANGEMENT

It was a sunny day and the two women were sitting on the porch, gossiping over a cup of tea. Suddenly one of them grimaced:

“Here comes that good-for-nothing husband of mine, bringing me a bunch of flowers. I will have to open my legs for him again.”

“What is the matter?” – asked the other one uncomprehendingly. “Don’t you have any vases?”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

WINDY DAY

In the early morning hours a guy was walking through Soho. It was a windy day and the girl, who walked across from him, struggled mightily - and rather unsuccessfully - to prevent her short skirt from exposing her private parts. As he came abreast of the girl fighting the wind, the man remarked politely:

“Airy, isn’t it?”

But the girl wanted none of it and answered furiously:

“What the hell did you expect, feathers?”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

NOT COLOR BLIND

There were no facilities at the deserted beach, so the smashing blonde who came for a swim, had to change into her bathing suit in the open. While she tried to do it as discreetly as possible, she noticed that a man, lying nearby sunbathing was actually peeking at her through his half-closed eyelids. Furiously she turned on him:

“Sir, you are no gentleman!”

She received a prompt response:

“And you Madam, are no blonde!”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

MARS MAID

The first astronaut to land on Mars encountered a native girl there. She was built somewhat differently, but was distinctly female and beautiful by any standard. The girl was busy in front of a steaming cauldron, adding various ingredients to its contents and steering furiously.

After a while the astronaut said:

“Excuse me, I just arrived from Earth. Can you tell me what you are doing?”

“Is it not obvious?” - replied the Martian girl. “I am making a child. I must be careful to mix well the components supplied by my three husbands, two co-wives and me and if the temperature and other conditions are perfect, out comes a healthy little Mars-child. Is this not the way children are made on Earth?

“No, positively no,” - answered the Earthman.

“Tell me then, how do you make children?”

“I cannot explain, but I can show you.”

Indeed, he showed her and the girl seemed to have enjoyed it. She said so too:

“I must say that your way of producing a child is quite enjoyable, but what I don’t understand is where is the product of our labors, the child?”

“Oh, that,” - shrugged the Earthman. “The child is only born after nine months.”

“Then why did you stop mixing?”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

CROSSWORD PUZZLE

“What is a ‘female genital organ, 5 letters?”

“Horizontal, or vertical?”

“Horizontal.”

“Mouth.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

SAVING ACCOUNT

A man walked into his younger brother’s room and found him masturbating.

“Are you crazy,” - asked the elder brother - “jacking off like that, a week before getting married? You should save it for your wedding!”

Three days later, the brother came upon his sibling whacking off wildly once again. He queried exasperatedly:

“Haven’t I told you to save it for your wife-to-be?”

“I did, I did,” - answered the young one - “this bottle here is almost full.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

CAR RALLY

The noise in the singles’ bar was deafening and the lady seated on the barstool had to lean over and almost shout in her neighbor’s ear:

“I have an itchy pussy!”

The man nodded and replied:

“I drive a Japanese car too, a Mitsubishi.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

NO PROBLEM

The young man, who lost one of his legs in an accident, had difficulty establishing a lasting male-female relationship. Advanced medical technology replaced his missing limb so well, that his handicap became almost unnoticeable. As he was a fairly good-looking man, he never had any trouble in attracting the girl he fancied. Their relationship would progress step-by-step, until it reached the stage, where, inflamed by passion, both wanted to bring their affair to its ultimate culmination. They would start undressing and depending on the particular girl he was with, the following would happen:

Some of the girls screamed, others reacted more restrained, but as a rule, as soon as they noticed his prosthetic limb, their passion cooled noticeably and that was the end of their relationship.

After several similar incidents, acting on the advice of an elderly friend, our man told his newest conquest of his supposed bashfulness. At his request, they undressed in total darkness; the man put his prosthetic limb in the corner and when both were in bed, told her:

“Darling, I have a problem!”

He took her hand gently and placed it on his stump. There was a sharp intake of breath and then the girl said softly:

“Maybe, if we would use some petroleum jelly, we could manage somehow.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

IRRESISTIBLE URGE

The veteran employee of the pickle factory came home with a sad face.

“I am sorry” - he said to his wife, - “but I have lost my job.”

“How come, dear?” - she asked. “You told me that your boss is quite satisfied with you.”

“To tell you the honest truth, for the last few days I felt a terrible urge to stick my penis into the pickle-slicer and today I finally did it. So they fired me.”

“Oh my God,” - cried his anxious spouse, - “and what happened to your poor penis.”

“As far as I can see nothing.”

“But what about the pickle-slicer?”

“Oh, she was fired too.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

DID IT PASS?

It was a rainy evening and the pair of lovers decided that under the circumstances, the best location for a tryst would be under the railway-bridge. Everything went fine, the man was horny, the woman willing and soon they were humping merrily. Suddenly with an unusually loud roar, a train thundered across the bridge above their heads. The poor man could not stand the noise and pressed both hands over his ears, as strongly as he could. After a while, he queried his mate:

“Did it pass?”

The woman put her hand onto her behind and stated:

“Not yet.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

SHOP TALK

An actress and an actor got married and spent their honeymoon at a fashionable summer resort. Upon their return the new husband treated his friends to a round of drinks and reported of their holiday:

“We arrived in the early afternoon and immediately, without even bothering to unpack, held two performances. Then we washed up, went to dinner, came back to our room and had two more performances. Later at night we went down to the bar, had a few whiskies on the rocks and before falling asleep, had another performance, followed immediately by a dress-rehearsal.”

One of his companions - clearly someone not familiar with the theatrical lingo - interjected:

“What is the difference between a performance and a dress-rehearsal?”

“A dress-rehearsal is the same as a performance, only nobody comes.”

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

BALL AT THE SAVOY

It was a sultry summer day and the elderly lady, who walked by a policeman standing at the corner, could not help wondering, why he kept doing deep knee-bends.

“Excuse me, Officer,” - she asked - “what is it that you are doing?”

“You know the ballroom at the Savoy?” - asked the policeman.

“But there is no ballroom at the Savoy,” - said the surprised lady.

“There is no ballroom here either,” - said the guardian of the law and pointed at his trousers.

Custom Search

Category: Mother-in-Law

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

“My dear Sir, your mother-in-law is in very bad condition. You should brace yourself for the worst.”

“Doctor, I have only one request: Treat her as if she were your own mother-in-law.”

Custom Search

Category: Mothers

A WORD FROM THE WISE

Like a hen worried about her brood, the mother hovered around the room, where her just-married daughter and husband had retired for their wedding night. She put her ear to the keyhole and tried to divine from the sounds emerging from inside, if everything was all right.

The freshly minted husband had some difficulties. In the morning, excited about the upcoming event, he was in a hurry to get dressed and now could not untie his shoelaces. His bride tried to help him, but she too, could not manage to untie the knot.

From the other side of the door the mother heard the following:

“I cannot manage. It simply does not go!” - said her son-in-law.

“So let’s cut the damn thing,” - suggested the daughter.

Here the mother could restrain herself no longer.

“For God’s sake,” - she shouted through the keyhole - “don’t cut it! Try some petroleum jelly.”

Custom Search

Category: Modern Fables

THE PRICE OF FAME

Little Red Riding Hood walked through the forest until she reached her Grandma's house. She knocked on the door and her Grandmother let her in. They sat down and had some tea together. Little Red Riding Hood got suspicious that something was wrong, when someone knocked on the door. It was the hunter. They invited him in and poured him some tea.

They chatted for a while, but Little Red Riding Hood became even more suspicious and so did the hunter. After about a half an hour he exclaimed:

“I know what is wrong! The wolf is missing.”

And so off he went to search for him in the forest. Finally he found the wolf in deep sleep between the bushes. The hunter went over to him and gave him a mighty kick:

“Get up you lazy beast, you should have devoured Grandma and Little Red Riding Hood long ago.”

“Leave me alone, I’m exhausted. I danced with Kevin Costner all night long.”

Custom Search

Category: Misers

FITTING DONATION

“Mummy,” – called the child, – “there is a man at the door.”

“What does he want?”

“He is collecting for a municipal swimming-pool. What shall I give him?

“Give him two buckets of water.”

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss

MAKING HER POINT

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

"What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered:

"You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" - was his incredulous reply.

She answered: "Well, today I didn't do it."

Custom Search