Category: Ethnic Stories

IRISH VIRGINITY TEST

Paddy was planning to marry, he was and asked his family doctor, how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor said:

"Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks:

"Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replied:

"Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...’, you hit her with the shovel.”

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Category: Political Jokes

DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE

Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert came to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest. At the dinner that night, the first course was served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looked at the soup and after learning what it is called, told an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.

The aide said that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in honor of  his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitated, swallowed, and a grin appeared on his face. He found he really liked it, digged right in and finished the whole bowl.

“That was delicious," - he said to Olmert. "Do Jewish people eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?" 

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Category: Sporting World

TEEING OFF

Tiger Woods drove his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Cork manner, unaware as to who the golf pro was:

“Top of the morning to you etc., etc”.

As Tiger bent down to pick up the pump, two tees fell out of his top pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey Son?” – said the attendant.

“They’re called tees” – replied Tiger.

What’re dey for?” – enquired the Cork man.

“They’re for resting my balls on while I’m driving” – replied Tiger.

 Jaysus”, – said the Cork man, – “Dem fellas at Volvo tink of fookin’ everyting!”

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Category: Sporting World

SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF

A recent Scottish immigrant attended his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit heard the fans roaring “Run....Run!” The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!” 

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump called a walk the Scotsman stood up yelling:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered:

“He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed:

“Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF

1.    Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2.    Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.    Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4.    For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

5.    Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6.    The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7.    It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

8.    Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9.    Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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Category: At Work

GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES

A guy went to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him:
"Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," - he said. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer said:
"That will give you extra points toward employment".
Then he asked:
"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy said:
"Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer told the guy:
"O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 9:00 A. M.
The guy was puzzled and said:
"If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 9:00 A. M?"
"This is a government job," - the interviewer replied. "For the first hour we just sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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Category: Boys and Girls

SOME LAWS OF SEX

 Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it is going to last.

 Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

 If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

 The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

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Category: Blondes

THE WRONG KIND

The newly married blonde was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk asked her if she needed assistance.

“I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don't know what type he uses.”
The clerk said:
“Is it a ball type? “
“No,” - said the woman, - “it's for his underarms.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

CAUTIOUS

A group of scientists was investigating sexual activity at an advanced age. They were told of an old man who at the age of 100 years still brought home twice-weekly streetwalkers. If true, this was indeed a rare phenomena and worth looking into. A black lady scientist was so much intrigued that she volunteered to pick up the old geezer and find out his secret. The lady was young and handsome and the old gent readily swallowed the bait and took the scientist home and ravished her three times. After each session, he took a short nap, but asked the woman to hold his balls in her left hand and in her right his penis while he is asleep and not let go for even a second.
The lady scientist was enthusiastic about having made a sensational discovery, but for safety’s sake asked the old man if there is any connection between his unusual potency and the fact that his tool is held in somebody’s hand. Said the old man:
“Actually none. It’s just that the last black girl I took home, stole my purse.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BALL AT THE SAVOY

It was a sultry summer day and the elderly lady, who walked by a policeman standing at the corner, could not help wondering, why he kept doing deep knee-bends.

“Excuse me, Officer,” - she asked - “what is it that you are doing?”

“You know the ballroom at the Savoy?” - asked the policeman.

“But there is no ballroom at the Savoy,” - said the surprised lady.

“There is no ballroom here either,” - said the guardian of the law and pointed at his trousers.

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Category: Business is Business

GOT HIM BY THE...

An elderly lady carrying a soiled lunch bag, walked into the main offices of the Chase Manhattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down the bag and said:

“I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank.”

The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick look showed that there were over a million dollars in cash in the sack! Flabbergasted, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary, who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President’s office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:

“Are you in the stock market?”

“No.”

“Play the horses then...?”

“No... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people.”

“I see,” - said the President.

“As a matter of fact”, - continued the old lady, - “I will wager you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock your balls will be square!”

Speculating that he could not possibly lose this bet, the President said:

“I'll have to take you up on that one!”

He and the old lady shook hands and parted company. The President was very careful the rest of the day and to avoid risk, did not go out that evening. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming. At exactly 9 o'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office, only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained:

“This is my attorney. I always bring him along when dealing in large sums.”

The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said:

“Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000 richer!”

The old lady asked for proof and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor.

“What's wrong with him?” - asked the President.

“Oh him”, - said the woman, - “I bet him $100,000 yesterday that by 9.15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies

NEIGHBORLY GUY

While plowing the land, the cheapskate farmer found an ancient jug in the earth. Driven by curiosity, he opened it and out came a genie, jailed inside the jug 10,000 years ago. The thankful spirit told the farmer that he would grant any wish of his, with one precondition:

“Your neighbor will get double of anything that you get!”

This was one tough decision for the farmer. He thought for a while and then said:

“I wish you would remove one of my balls.”

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Category: At the Restaurant YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME

A tourist in a restaurant in Cordoba decided to try an item prominently displayed on the menu: “Local treat - Bull’s balls.” He found it delicious and told the waiter that he would like to bring his friends with him the next day, so that they too can taste this delicacy. The waiter replied that this particular item is only available on weekends, immediately following the Corrida, which is held on Saturdays.

The tourist came back the next Sunday with his friends and ordered Bull’s Balls for everyone. After a while their order had arrived, but the guest seemed unhappy. He called the waiter over and asked:

“What on earth happened to your portions? The last time the balls were huge, but today they are minuscule.”

“I am sorry, Señor,” - replied the waiter - “this time the bull won.”

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Category: Blondes THE WRONG KIND The newly married blonde was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk asked her if she needed assistance. “I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don't know what type he uses.” The clerk said: “Is it a ball type? “ “No,” - said the woman, - “it's for his underarms.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Sporting World TEEING OFF

Tiger Woods drove his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Cork manner, unaware as to who the golf pro was:

“Top of the morning to you etc., etc”.

As Tiger bent down to pick up the pump, two tees fell out of his top pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey Son?” – said the attendant.

“They’re called tees” – replied Tiger.

What’re dey for?” – enquired the Cork man.

“They’re for resting my balls on while I’m driving” – replied Tiger.

Jaysus”, – said the Cork man, – “Dem fellas at Volvo tink of fookin’ everyting!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations CAUTIOUS

A group of scientists was investigating sexual activity at an advanced age. They were told of an old man who at the age of 100 years still brought home twice-weekly streetwalkers. If true, this was indeed a rare phenomena and worth looking into. A black lady scientist was so much intrigued that she volunteered to pick up the old geezer and find out his secret. The lady was young and handsome and the old gent readily swallowed the bait and took the scientist home and ravished her three times. After each session, he took a short nap, but asked the woman to hold his balls in her left hand and in her right his penis while he is asleep and not let go for even a second.

The lady scientist was enthusiastic about having made a sensational discovery, but for safety’s sake asked the old man if there is any connection between his unusual potency and the fact that his tool is held in somebody’s hand. Said the old man:

“Actually none. It’s just that the last black girl I took home, stole my purse.”

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Category: Sporting World SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF

A recent Scottish immigrant attended his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit heard the fans roaring “Run....Run!” The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump called a walk the Scotsman stood up yelling:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered:

“He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed:

“Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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Category: At Work GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES A guy went to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him: "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," - he said. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer said: "That will give you extra points toward employment". Then he asked: "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy said: "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer told the guy: "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 9:00 A. M. The guy was puzzled and said: "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 9:00 A. M?" "This is a government job," - the interviewer replied. "For the first hour we just sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that.” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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