Category: Army Stories

THE SERGEANT MAJOR

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”  

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:

 “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”  

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said:

“You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”  

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said:

“You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! "

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:

 “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:

“I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

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Category: Airline Stories

EL AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al..

"Would you like dinner?" - the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?," - Moshe asked.

"Yes or no," - she replied.

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Category: Women's Lib

UNCANNY INSIGHT

A spinster's phone rang late one night.

“Hello,” – said a deep voice on the other end. “I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”

The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:

“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

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Category: Women's Lib

UNISEX

The guests at the wealthy socialite’s house were treated to an impromptu concert. One of the guests whispered to the person next to him:

“That girl is singing completely off-key.”

“That is my son who is singing,” - replied the other.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were his father.”

“No, I’m his mother.”

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Category: Viagra

CREATIVE THINKING

A man went to visit his grandpa in hospital.

“How are you grandpa? -  he asked.

“Feeling fine,” - said the old man.

“What's the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...  and that's it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushed off to question the Sister in charge.

“What are you people doing?” - he said. “I'm told you're giving an old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?”

“Oh, yes,” - replied the Sister. “Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

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Category: Computers

HAROLD, THE COMPUTER GUY

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him:

"So, what was wrong?"

He replied:

"It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:

"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned:

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No"-  I replied.

"Write it down" - he said - "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down:

"I D 1 0 T."

Shame, I used to like Harold  .................

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Category: Straight from the Hip
 
RECTIFICATION

“Sir, my car hit your cat by accident. I would like to rectify your loss somehow.”

“All right. Can you catch mice?”

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Category: Sporting World

GOLF GUN

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of one Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" - asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," - the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

    "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Category: Simpletons

STATISTICS

A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article, that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

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Category: Political Jokes

DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE

Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert came to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest. At the dinner that night, the first course was served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looked at the soup and after learning what it is called, told an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.

The aide said that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in honor of  his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitated, swallowed, and a grin appeared on his face. He found he really liked it, digged right in and finished the whole bowl.

“That was delicious," - he said to Olmert. "Do Jewish people eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?" 

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Category: Parenting

TRY AGAIN

A twenty-one-year-old girl told her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother went to the drugstore and bought a test kit. The test result showed that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said:

"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picked up the phone and made a call.  

Half an hour later a Ferrari stopped in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, stepped out of the car and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and told them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"  

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him:

"Then you try again."

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Category: On the Farm

HALF WIT

  A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," - demanded the agent.

"Well," - replied the farmer, - "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit, who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," - said the agent.

"That would be me,"  - replied the farmer.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

GOOD EXCUSE

A 87 years old woman convinced the traffic cop not to give her a ticket by claiming:

“I was in a hurry to get there, before I forget where I’m going!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

FANNY GREEN

An Irish man went to confession at St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

“Father”, - he confessed,“ it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.”

The priest told the sinner:

“You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.”

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

“Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.”

This time, the priest questioned:

“Who is this Fanny Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” - the sinner replied.

“Very well,” - sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.”

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous, redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered:

“Is that Fanny Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply:

“No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes”.

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Category: Mother-in-Law

UNFAIR PUNISHMENT

Lawyers among themselves:

“What is the punishment for bigamy?”

“Two mothers-in-law.”

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Category: Mothers

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

Walking unexpectedly into her adolescent daughter’s room, the mother found her in bed with a boy. Nonchalantly the doting parent remarked:

“I just hope you are not going to take up smoking next!” 

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Category: Modern Fables

A FABLE FOR OUR TIMES

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:

“Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

“No fucking way.”

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Category: Misers

AGREEMENT

“Tom, mate, I see that your business is prospering. Can you loan me some money?”

“I cannot,” – replied Tom. “I have an agreement with the bank.”

“What sort of agreement?”

“They are not selling hot-dogs, I’m not loaning money.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

CHAMOMILE TEA

A woman came to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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Category: Male Chauvinists

QUID FOR QUO

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle”.

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and didn't reply. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said:

“You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra”.

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother”.

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Category: Lawyers

REALLY GENEROUS

The UJF (United Jewish Fund) realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his elegant office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying:

"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to Israel. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the UJF?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and said:

"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the UJF rep mumbled:

"Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," - said the lawyer, - "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken UJF rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said:

"I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer said:

"So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

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Category: In the Middle East

REFORMIST HAVEN

A tourist, map in hand, stopped a passerby in Netanyah.

“Excuse me, where is the nearest Catholic Church?”

“There are no Catholic churches in Netanyah” (a town inhabited by Jews only), – answered the man.

“They must all be Protestants here,” – murmured the tourist to himself.

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

MAID SERVICE

A lesbian went to a gynecologist and the gynecologist said:

“I must say, this is the cleanest vagina I've seen in ages.” 

“Thanks,” - said the lesbian. “I have a woman in three times a week.”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

THE WASH CLOTH

There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. The doctor surprised me a little when he said:

"My, we have made an extra effort down here this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom:

"Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied:

"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

MORTGAGE

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said:

"Son, we'd buy you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked:

"Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him:

"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

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Category: For your Kids

A LONER

“I hope that I can be of assistance to you after your release,” - said the prison chaplain to the bank robber.

“Thank you,” - answered the hardened criminal, - “but I always work alone.”

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