Sunday, January 31, 2010

Category: Boys and Girls WONDERFUL WEEKEND

A man and a woman walked into a very posh Rodeo Drive store.

''Show the lady your finest mink!'' - the fellow exclaimed. So the owner of the shop went in back and came out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tried it on, the owner discreetly whispered to the man:

''Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.''

''No problem! I'll write you a check!''

''Very good, sir,'' - said the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.''

So the man and the woman left. On Monday, the fellow returned. The storeowner was outraged:

''How dare you show your face in here?! There was not a single penny in your checking account!!''

''I just had to come by'' – grinned the guy, – ''to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!''

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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Category: Boys and Girls TELEPATHIC WATCH

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a good-looking woman. After a while he started to look at his watch. The woman noticed and asked him if his date was late.

“No,” – he replied. “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was about to test it.”

“What does it do?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing a bra, or panties.”

“Ha! Well, it must be broken, because I am!”

“Darn thing must be an hour fast.”

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Friday, January 29, 2010

Category: Blondes VENTRILOQUIST

A ventriloquist was doing the round of comedy clubs in Philadelphia. With his dummy on his knee, he went through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stood on her chair and started shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected in our community and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize. The blonde interrupted him, yelling:

"You stay out of this, asshole! I'm talking to that little shithead on your knee!"

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Category: Blondes DEODORANT

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

“I'm sorry”, – said the pharmacist, – “we don't have any.”

“But I always get it here,” – said the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” – said the blonde, – “I'll go home and get it.”

She returned with the container. The pharmacist looked at it and said to her:

“This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container:

“TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”

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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Category: At Work GOOD REFLEXES

“Canadians, Canadians, come on!” – declared one of the employees. “All the population is made up of hookers and hockey players.”

Said the boss:

“My wife is from Canada.”

“Really?” – said the employee. “And which team is she on?”

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Category: Army Stories THE SERGEANT MAJOR

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:

“It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said:

“You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said:

“You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! "

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:

“Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:

“I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

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Monday, January 25, 2010

Category: Animal World

HEAVENLY REWARD

A cat died and went to heaven and met there the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat:

“You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”

The cat thought for a moment and said:

“Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

“Say no more” - said the Lord and instantly a wonderful fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later, six mice were killed in a farming accident and went to heaven. Again, there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered:

“All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?”

The Lord said:

“Say no more” - and fitted each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke him and asked:

“How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretched luxuriously, yawned and replied:

“It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!”

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Category: Airline Stories EMERGENCY PROCEDURE

“Pilot to Tower . . . Pilot to Tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!”

“Tower to Pilot …Tower to Pilot … repeat after me: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven…’”

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Category: Women's Lib PERVERSION

A psychiatrist administered a Rorschach test to his patient. First he showed her an inkblot within a circle.

“Tell me please, my dear lady, what is your interpretation of this drawing?”

“It’s a couple making love in a circular room.”

Next he showed her an inkblot within a rectangle.

“What do you see now?”

“It’s a couple making love in a rectangular room.”

Finally he showed her an inkblot within a triangle.

“And now?”

The women looked suspiciously at the doctor and then burst out:

“What sort of a pervert pig are you anyway?”

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Friday, January 22, 2010

Category: Viagra GRANNIES

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills and the son said I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and very expensive.

"How much?" - asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," - answered the son.

"I don't care," - said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll give you the money in the morning."

The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa:

"I told you each pill was $10, not $110."

"I know," – said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Category: Computers GREAT WRITER

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great”, he said:

“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Category: Simpletons NEW SHOES

“Look darling,” – said the policeman to his wife, – “I bought myself a new pair of shoes. Unfortunately I will have to wait a few days until I can wear them.”

“Why?”

“The seller said they would be a little tight during the first few days.”

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Category: Political Jokes PREFERENCES

So this Jewish boy came home and told his mother he is going to get married. His mother asked what her name was.

Monica Lewinsky” – the son said..

The mother then said:

“And what happened to that nice black girl you were dating?”

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Monday, January 18, 2010

Category: Political Jokes NOT DISCRIMINATING

On one of his visits to the States, former Israeli Prime Minister Shamir, known for his love of seafood, entered a restaurant.

“Do you serve shrimps?” - he asked.

“We serve anybody, Sir,” - answered the waiter.

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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Category: On the Farm WHO'S WHO

A zebra from the big city zoo visited the farm. It was the first time in its life that he was out in the countryside and he was curious about everything. First he visited the barnyard and on seeing a bird-like creature, scratching in the dirt, asked:

“Who are you?”

“I am a hen,” - came the answer.

“And what do you do?”

“I lay eggs.”

Next he reached the stables and encountered a four-legged animal, peacefully chewing some oats.

“Who are you?” - asked the zebra.

“I am a horse.”

“And what do you do?”

“I draw the cart.”

Near the cowshed, penned in a fenced enclosure, the zebra beheld another mighty four-legged animal, glaring furiously out of red-rimmed eyes at the intruder.

“And who might you be?” - asked the frightened visitor.

“I am the bull.”

“And what do you do?”

“Take off your fancy pajamas and I will show you.”

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Saturday, January 16, 2010

Category: Old Age Humiliations HONEST JOHN

Police Officer O'Leary was cruising around in his patrol car one night. He was on the lookout for trouble. He saw two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot was closed, so O'Leary drove up alongside the Chevy and asked:

"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," – said one of the ladies, – "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," – said the cop, – "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," – replied the other little old lady, – "and besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."

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Friday, January 15, 2010

Category: Old Age Humiliations YARD SALE

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," - he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Category: Old Age Humiliations JEWISH SONGS

Mrs. Cohen, aged 84, and Mrs. Murphy, aged 85, were lifelong friends, but because each was also a bit old-fashioned, each chose to go to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long, however, before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said:

“Don't be holding back Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, Mrs. Cohen said:

“But the best thing of all is...now I have a boyfriend!”

Mrs. Murphy said:

“Saints be praised, now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it!”

Mrs. Cohen said:

“Well...after lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then on the bottom and then we sing Jewish songs. Oy, it's wonderful!”

Mrs. Murphy said:

“For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen!”

Mrs. Cohen said:

“And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? You must tell me!”

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said:

“Good for you! So what do you do, you and the new boyfriend?”

Mrs. Murphy smiled and said:

“We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top and then I let him touch me down below...”

Mrs. Cohen said:

“Yes, and then....?”

Mrs. Murphy said:

“Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck!”

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Category: Old Age Humiliations WOMAN AND BABY

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman:

“Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”

“Breast fed” – she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” – the doctor ordered.

She did. While the woman sat silently he pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a long while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said:

“No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.”

“Naturally,” – she said. “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Category: Naughty Jokes TIGHT SKIRT

One day, a large group of people was waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reached behind her and unzipped the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tried again.

Again, she found that she could not maneuver the step, so once more she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looked at the bus driver and tried to board again. With disappointment, she found that she still couldn’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzipped her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still did not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabbed her by the waist, lifted her up and placed her on the bus. The woman turned to the Texan furiously and said:

“Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!”

Nonplused, the Texan looked at her and replied:

“Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”

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Monday, January 11, 2010

Category: Naughty Jokes NEW ANGLE

When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor asked:

“What's wrong?”

“Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?”

“Uh...” - stammered the stunned surgeon, - “I hadn't really thought about it. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy.”

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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Category: Naughty Jokes EXCELLENT MEMORY

Three guys were debating who has the best memory. The first said:

“I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”

The second guy said:

“I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Not to be outdone, the third guy said:

“Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father and coming home with my mother.”

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Saturday, January 09, 2010

Category: Naughty Jokes APARTMENT FOR RENT

A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “Rent For Apartment.” On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

“Dear Madam,

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

“Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.”

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Friday, January 08, 2010

Category: Mother-In-Law WHY SHOULD SHE

During the early evening hours, a man returned from a long business trip, let himself into his apartment with his key, hung up his coat and tiptoed to the bedroom. He opened the door quietly, peered into the dim room and saw a covered-up shape sleeping soundly on their bed. Nodding with satisfaction, he took off his clothes and slipped under the sheets beside his mate.

After a surprisingly steamy session, followed by a more relaxed one, the man felt like having a beer and went to the kitchen. To his amazement, he saw his wife there, having a cup of coffee.

“You are here? Then who was that in our bed I just had sex with?” - he stammered.

“That must have been my mother,” - answered his spouse stoically. “She was a bit tired, so she took a rest in our bed.”

“Then why didn’t she speak up?”

“She hasn’t spoken to you for 20 years, has she? So why should she now?”

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Thursday, January 07, 2010

Category: Mothers JEWISH MOTHER

The first Jewish President was elected. He called his mother:

“Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.”

“I don't know. What would I wear?”

“Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker.”

“But I only eat kosher food.”

“Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food.”

“But how will I get there?”

“I'll send a limo, just come Mama.”

“Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.”

The great day came and Mama was seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudged the gentleman on her right.

“You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!”

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