Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
JEWISH BRA
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady:
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."  
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked:
"What kind of bra?"
He repeated:
"A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," - said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.  Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked:
"So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded:
"It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said:  
"Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
A Jewish bra," - she replied, - "makes mountains out of molehills."
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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
RUMOR 
Abe was told by his chaver Hymie, that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with his best friend. Worried and hurt, Abe ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved. Hymie asked him how it went.  
"Look," - said Abe, - "don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend……
I don't even know him."  

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Monday, February 27, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
NUNS
An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table there were 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation. The 2nd nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to New York ."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun spoke again and said:
"Let's go to Los Angeles."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
 The little Jewish old lady leaned over and said with a Yiddish Accent:
"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"
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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

MOZES NEGOTIATES THE COMMANDMENTS
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands:
"Friends," - he said. "Friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from 15 to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."
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Saturday, February 25, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
REDNECK
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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Friday, February 24, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
NOT DEAF 
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car weaved violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," - said the cop to the driver, - where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," - slurred the drunk.
"Well," said the cop, - "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," - the drunk said with a smile.
"Did you know," - said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, - "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," - sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
POLISH
A man walked into a store and asked the clerk:
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looked at him and said:
"Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) said:
"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?  Would you?"
The clerk said:
"Well, no!"
     "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
     "Well, I probably wouldn't!"
     With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy said:
"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
  The clerk replied:
  "Because you're at Home Depot."
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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
AS SAFE AS ANYWHERE
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another passenger took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck -- he was pale, his hands were shaking, he was biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey pal, what's the matter?" - Chuck asked.
"Oh man ... I've been transferred to Michigan," - the other guy answered. "There are crazy people in Michigan and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate ..."
"Hold on," - Chuck interrupted, - "I've lived in Michigan all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school -- and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said:
"Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" - said Chuck. "Oh, nothing special. I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Dearborn."
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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents
each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch
time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter,
but never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One
day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter
as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
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Monday, February 20, 2012

Category: 'English' Jokes
IT DOESN'T HELP 
In the early evening hours, a policeman stopped a cyclist:
“Sir, your headlight doesn’t function. You will have to dismount.”
The man disagreed:
“I tried that and it doesn’t help.”
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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
BRITISH GENEROSITY 
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
 Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
 The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
 The rest of the world is in shock.
 The United States is sending troops to help.
 Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
 Latin American countries are sending supplies.
 New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
 The rest of the European community (except France) is sending money.
 The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
 Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis!
God Bless British generosity.
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Saturday, February 18, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
THING OF BEAUTY
 
Into a Belfast pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose was broken, his face was cut and bruised and he was walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" - asked Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," - said Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," - said Sean, - "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," - said Paddy, - "a shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," - said Sean, - "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," - said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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Friday, February 17, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

DUMB WHITE MAN
 
Chief Two Eagles was asked by one government official:
"Chief, you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued:
"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled:
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
 
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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
JEWISH FIRE DEPARTMENT 
One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo, Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said:
"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department which could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief:
"What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," - said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da first thing ve gonna do is, fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
THE CLEVER MATHEMATICIAN 
A recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passed a little math test.
"Here's your first question," - the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" - the Italian said. "Dat is easy."
And he proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" - the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," - said the Italian.
"Fair enough," - said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree.
"Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said:
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said,
"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt.
"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said:
"A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
SIGHT TEST 
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
  "Can you read this?" - the optician asked.
  "Read it?" - the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Monday, February 13, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

CAREFUL
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" - asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" - replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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Sunday, February 12, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
IRISH REPENTANCE
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent:
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," - he told the priest.
"I understand my son," - said the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
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Saturday, February 11, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

GROUP FARE
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he met:
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said:
"I do Father."
The priest said:
"Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man:
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," - was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," - said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked:
"Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said:
"No, I don't Father”.
The priest said:
"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said:
 "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Friday, February 10, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
PARKING PLACE
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said:
"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said:
"Never mind, I found one."
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Thursday, February 09, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

INDIAN

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said:
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said:
"I am ready."
     The officer said:
"Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said:
"Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said:
"Go ahead."
Mujibar said:
"The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Telstra on the Help Desk.
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Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
THOSE KIDS
Three Jewish women got together for lunch. As they were being seated in the restaurant, one took a deep breath and gave a long, slow "oy." The second took a deep breath as well and let out a long, slow "oy."  The third took a deep breath and said impatiently:
"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
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Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
PENPAL
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced:
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this
week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.”
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Monday, February 06, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
BEE INCONSPICOUS
Two bees met in a park and shot the breeze. One bee said to the other:
"How's the pollen thing going, Bobby?"
Terrible, just terrible ,Vern!" - moaned the second bee. "I haven't collected any pollen all morning.  I'm a failure."
"No you're not," - the first bee responded sympathetically. "Look, I've got just the thing, Bobby.  Go down to the last house on this street.  They're Jewish; they're having a bar mitzvah and the house is filled with flowers. More pollen than you've ever seen."
Later that same day the bees met at the hive. The first bee said:
"So, Bobby, how did it go this afternoon?"
"Great, Vern! Just great!" - enthused the second bee. "I scored so much pollen at that Jewish affair you told me about that I had to make three trips to the hive just to get it all in the door".
"Nifty, Bob, but, uh, what's that thing on your head?" - asked the first bee.
"Something called a yarmulke, I think," - the second bee replied confidentially. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
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Sunday, February 05, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE
The British in relation to recent bombings have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Meanwhile, the French government has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Neighbor, Italy has increased its alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert level from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". Two higher levels remain: "invade Poland" and "lose".
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