Friday, November 30, 2012

Category: Straight from the Hip

SOUND ADVICE
A woman of dubious reputation complained to the corner policeman:
“Yesterday in the neighborhood cafĂ© someone called me a whore.”
“Why do you go to places where they know you?” 
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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Category: Sporting World

THOUGH GOING
“Did you and Fred have a good game, dear?”
“Did we heck. Half way up the fourth fairway Fred keeled over with a heart attack. After that, all the way it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..” 
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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Category: Simpletons

MENSA CONVENTION
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140, or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," - they said, - "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," - the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
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Monday, November 26, 2012

Category: Salesmen

COUGH SYRUP
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had just about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in, coughing fiercely and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” – John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” – Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will,” – John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”
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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Category: Political Jokes

ROYAL MANNERS
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then boarded an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.
They rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. So far everything was going well. Suddenly the right rear horse let fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, so powerful that it shook the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State did their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decided it’s impossible to ignore it.
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."
Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replied:
"Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”
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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Category: Parenting

SOUND MIND
The relatives of the rich widow assembled at the family lawyer's office for the reading of her will.
“Being of sound mind,” – read the attorney, – “I spent every last cent before I died.”
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Friday, November 23, 2012

Category: On the Farm

WHO'S WHO
A zebra from the big city zoo visited the farm. It was the first time in its life that he was out in the countryside and he was curious about everything. First he visited the barnyard and on seeing a bird-like creature, scratching in the dirt, asked:
“Who are you?”
“I am a hen,” - came the answer.
“And what do you do?”
“I lay eggs.”
Next he reached the stables and encountered a four-legged animal, peacefully chewing some oats.
“Who are you?” - asked the zebra.
“I am a horse.”
“And what do you do?”
“I draw the cart.”
Near the cowshed, penned in a fenced enclosure, the zebra beheld another mighty four-legged animal, glaring furiously out of red-rimmed eyes at the intruder.
“And who might you be?” - asked the frightened visitor.
“I am the bull.”
“And what do you do?”
“Take off your fancy pajamas and I will show you.”

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Category: Old Age Humiliations

BRIEF ONES
¬ The physician’s advice to the elderly gent who complained that his much older neighbor boasted to everybody that he has intercourse with his wife three times weekly:
“You can say it too!”
¬ Question:
“What in your opinion is the main reason you reached the ripe old age of 100?”
Answer:
“The main reason is that I was born in 1901.”
¬ Question:
“Is your wife still so beautiful?”
Answer:
“She is, but it takes her half-an-hour more.”
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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Category: Old Age Humiliations

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly:
“Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly.”

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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Category: Nouveau Riche

OURS IS NICER
One night, the Moneymakers were having dinner. Seated at opposite ends of their five-meter long oak-wood table, Mr. Moneymaker remarked to his wife:
“You know, every man at our club keeps a mistress. I am the only one, who does not have one. What will they think of us?”
“If everybody has a mistress, you should take one too,” - replied his loyal sidekick. “We don’t want people thinking, that we cannot afford one.”  
And indeed, with the help of his wife, Mr. Moneymaker managed to find a mistress. He spent two evenings a week with her and while relaxing with his friends in the sauna, he had the satisfaction of being able to complain:
“My mistress wants a new mink-coat again.”
One night the Moneymakers went to the theater. Before the curtain rose, Mrs. Moneymaker looked through her binoculars at the rest of the audience. Suddenly, she pulled her husband’s sleeve:
“Who is that gorgeous blonde beside McCormick?”
“Probably his mistress.”
“His mistress? She is not so pretty after all. Ours is nicer, don’t you agree?”  
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Monday, November 19, 2012

Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY
¬ Question:
“What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?”
Answer:
“Slow down and use a lubricant.”
¬ Question:
“What is the difference between hard and dark?”
Answer:
“Dark lasts all night.”
¬ Question:
 What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Answer:
“How do you breathe through that thing?
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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Category: Naughty Jokes

MERLOT
In the restaurant the waiter took a bottle of Merlot to a woman dining alone at a table and said:
"This is from the gentleman seated over there," - indicating the sender.
The woman regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."  
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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Category: Mother-inLaw

GRATIFICATION

A married couple was involved in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only suitable place was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful face. One day when she was alone with her husband, she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said:
“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!”  
He replied: “Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”

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Friday, November 16, 2012

Category: Mothers

JEWISH MOTHER
The first Jewish President was elected. He called his mother:
“Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.”
“I don't know. What would I wear?”
“Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker.”
“But I only eat kosher food.”
“Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food.”
“But how will I get there?”
“I'll send a limo, just come Mama.”
“Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.”
The great day came and Mama was seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudged the gentleman on her right. 
“You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!”
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Thursday, November 15, 2012

Category: Modern Fables

ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE PEACE
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when suddenly she saw the big, bad wolf, hiding behind the trees.
Wolf, wolf,” - she asked, - “why are your eyes so big?”
“Leave me in peace,” - shouted the wolf - “can’t you see that I'm trying to have a shit.”

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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Category: Misers

EFFICIENCY IS ALL THE RAGE
The miser’s son arrived home and proudly announced to his father:
“Daddy, today I managed to save the bus fare. Instead of getting on the bus, I ran after it all the way home.”
But instead of receiving an approving pat on the shoulder, his dad slapped his face.
“What did I do?” – wailed the boy.
“You did not use your head, that is what you did! Think of how much you could have saved, if you had run after a cab.”

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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

$15 TRUCK
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream:
“Where did you get that truck???!!!”
He calmly told them:
“'I bought it today.”
“With what money?” - demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. 
“Well,” - said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder:
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” - they said. 
“It was the lady up the street,” - said the boy. “I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” - moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.”
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house, where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 
“Well,” - she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.”
(Are women bitches, or what?) 
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Monday, November 12, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” - she asked.
“I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work” - the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you're naked!” - the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,”- the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you're naked!”
Justin loves me to wear this dress,” - she insisted. “Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” - he asked.
“This is my love dress,” - she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” - he said. “What's for dinner?”
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Sunday, November 11, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed, was actually a lie detector.
 It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.  
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” - asked John.  
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project” - said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
 “Son,” - said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school?”
“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie” - said Tommy.  
“What did you watch?” - asked Marsha
“The Ten Commandments” - answered Tommy.  
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said:
“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” - said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
 The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said:
“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You cannot be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”
With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Saturday, November 10, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

BENEFACTOR
A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en route home he asked the cabby, if he would be a witness. He suspected his wife was having an affair and wanted to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cabby agreed..
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted:
“Don't do it! ... I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said:
“What would you do?”
The cabby replied:
“I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”
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Friday, November 09, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked:
"Do you know her?"
"Yes,"- I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" - said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
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Thursday, November 08, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinists

LIFESAVER
“Today my wife saved many lives.”
“How did she do it?”
“She couldn’t start the car this morning.”
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Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinist

NASTY HABIT
“What nasty habits women have! My wife stays up every night until dawn breaks.”
“And why is she doing it?”
“She is waiting for me to get home.”
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Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinists

SOMETHING GOOD
After twenty years of married life, the husband was quite indifferent to the pleasures of marital life. Though he dutifully executed his conjugal obligations once in a week, he never showed great enthusiasm. Not with his wife, anyway. So when one night she felt her spouse move around during the act, she was pleasantly surprised and exclaimed:
“So there is something good in me, after all.” 
“There is,” – answered the husband morosely, – “but I am going to pull it out soon.”
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Monday, November 05, 2012

Category: Loonies

DOG'S LIFE
“Where have you been?” - a man asked his friend.
“To tell you the truth, I was hospitalized in the psychiatric department.”
“What was wrong with you?”
“I had a fixed idea that I am a dog.”
“And did they cure you?”
“Oh yes. Just feel how cool my nose is.”
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Sunday, November 04, 2012

Category: Lawyers

GOOD ADVICE
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer:
“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” - said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer:
“Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.”
“What?? You did???”
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” - said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.” 

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