Saturday, June 30, 2012

Category: Blondes

SHORT ONES
¬ Question:
“Why doesn’t a blonde use a vibrator?”
Answer:
“It would kick out her teeth.”
¬ Question:
“Why doesn’t the blonde take anti-baby pills?”
Answer:
“They keep falling out.”
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Friday, June 29, 2012

Category: Blondes

WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had never paid for them yet.  
Hellloooo?  Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves. 
“Helllooooo, (I told him). It's been a year"! 
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Category: Blondes

THREE BLONDES
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said:
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
 The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said:
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth"
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two     seconds.
"Now," – he said – “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
 The blonde immediately said:
"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said:
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his f ace! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said:
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
 The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed:
 "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! "You're excused too!"
 The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said:
"This is probably a waste of time, but …”
 He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying:
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing, or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said:
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said:
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
    The blonde rolled her eyes and said:
"Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Category: Blondes

FINISH?
  One day a virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to is bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile:
"So, you finish?" 
She paused for a second, frowned and replied:
"No."
Surprised, Luigi reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Luigi smiled and asked:
"You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said:
"No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Luigi reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Luigi fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again:
"You finish?" 
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear:
"No, I Norwegian."
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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Category: Blondes

BLIND
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned:
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Monday, June 25, 2012

Category: Blondes

A GOOD START
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally, his curiosity got the best of him, so he walked over and asked:
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looked him over and replied:
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Category: Blondes
SATISFIED CUSTOMER
A blonde called Delta Airlines and asked:
"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replied:
"Just a minute."
"Thank you," – said the blonde and hung up.
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Saturday, June 23, 2012

Category: At Work

DAYDREAMING
“Doctor, I talk in my sleep.”
“And that troubles you?”
“Yes, the whole office is laughing at me.”

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Friday, June 22, 2012

Category: At Work

COMMUNICATION BARRIER
A visitor at the office heard the boss bellowing in the next room.
“Why is he shouting?” – he asked the secretary.
“He is talking to London.”
“Then why doesn’t he use the phone?”
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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Category: At the Restaurant

DIFFICULT CHOICE
“Waiter! Get me a couple of hot dogs without mustard.”
“I’m sorry sir, we are fresh out of mustard. Would you like to have your hot dogs without horseradish?”
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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Category: At School

TEACHER'S PET
The class assignment was to write an essay entitled:
“There is only one Mother!”
Moishe’le’s paper read:
“Mother sent me to get some eggs from the fridge, but I told her:
'There is only one, Mother!”
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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Category: Army Stories

TACTFUL MAN
The C.O. called in his platoon sergeant and showed him a fax, advising that Jones’s parents had been killed in an accident involving a steamroller. He entrusted him to break the news to the bereaved soldier, “as gently as possible.” The sergeant thought for a while about the best way to carry out his delicate mission and then ordered the platoon into formation and commanded:
“Attention! Soldiers whose parents were squashed by a steamroller, take one step forward!”
Of course, none of the soldiers budged and the sergeant thundered again:
Private First Class Jones, don’t you understand a direct command when you hear one?”
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Monday, June 18, 2012

Category: Animal World

FOR CATS
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat:
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:
"Measure, do your stuff." 
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said:
"What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said:,
"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to its feet ate the cookies drank the milk shit on the paper screwed the other three cats claimed he injured his back while doing so filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Category: Animal World

CAT
 A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it one day by driving it 20 blocks from his home and leaving it at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man called home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes “, - the wife answered, - "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered:
"Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!!
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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Category: Animal World

TALKING DOG
This guy saw a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog is in the back yard. The guy went into the back yard and saw a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" - he asked.
"Yep," - the mutt replied.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looked up and said:
"Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner said:
"Ten dollars."
The guy said he'll buy him, but asked the owner:
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replied:
"Because he's such a fucking liar. He never did any of that stuff."
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Friday, June 15, 2012

Category: Animal World

JUST REWARD
A blind man was walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They came to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, led the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This was followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers tried desperately not to run the pair down.
The pair finally reached the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulled a cookie out of his pocket, which he offered to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, couldn't control his amazement and said to the blind man:
“Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”
The blind man turned partially in his direction and replied:
“To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.”
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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Category: Animal World

BRAGGARTS
Three mice were sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounded a shot of scotch, slammed the glass onto the bar, turned to the second mouse and said:
“When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese.”
The second mouse ordered up two shots of sour mash, pounded them both, slammed each glass onto the bar, turned to the first mouse and replied:
“Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first mouse and the second mouse then turned to the third mouse. The third mouse let out a long sigh and said to the first two:
“I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”
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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Category: Animal World

  DISABILITY

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. He was overjoyed by his find, but was sure none of his friends would believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:
“Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
     “I sure did,” – responded his friend. “He can't swim.”
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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Category: Airline Stories

PECKING ORDER
A white, Chinese and a black woman were seated on adjacent seats on an airplane. All of a sudden a frantic voice announced over the passenger address system that the plane was going to crash. Immediately the white woman pulled out her make-up and started primping. The other two asked her what she was doing. She replied:
“After a crash they always look for the beautiful people first.”
The Chinese women opened her purse and started putting on all of her jewelry. When the other two asked her what she was doing, she answered:
“After a crash they always look for the rich people first.”
At that the black women started taking off her pants and of course the other two women asked her what she was doing. She said:
“I don't know where you all get your info, but they always search for the black box first!”
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Monday, June 11, 2012

Category: Airlines

CUSTOMER RELATIONS
The passengers on the transatlantic flight had just finished their meal and were comfortably relaxed, when the loudspeakers suddenly came on:
“This is the captain speaking. I would like to advise you that we have just lost our starboard engine. However, please remain calm. We have everything under control. This aircraft can operate with three engines just as well.”
About fifteen minutes later a movie was shown in the cabin and the passengers almost forgot the previous announcement, when the captain’s voice was heard again:
“I am sorry, but we seem to have lost another engine. You have no cause to worry. The aircraft is capable of flying with two engines. However, purely as a precautionary measure, those passengers who can swim, should concentrate on the left side of the cabin and those who cannot, should move to the right side.”                
Another fifteen minutes passed and the now familiar voice was heard again on the public address system:
“This is the captain once again. We have just lost our third engine and are initiating ditching procedures. All passengers are requested to don their life vests. As soon as the aircraft comes to a complete stop, the crew will open the exit doors. Please remove your shoes and follow the instructions of your crew in using the emergency escape slides. Those on the left side of the plane can commence swimming towards the shore. Those on the right side will remain floating and it is hoped, will eventually be located and rescued. In any case, should we not meet again, I want to thank you for flying with our airline.”   

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Sunday, June 10, 2012

Category: Airlines

OUTSTANDING SERVICE
On a Singapore Airlines flight, an unaccompanied minor was entrusted to the care of a young stewardess. She gave him some puzzles to work out and went to see about the rest of her duties. Somewhere above the ocean, the boy told the stewardess that he had to go to the bathroom urgently. The girl took him to the toilet, showed him the facilities and left him to his own devices. Soon enough the child finished his business, but instead of returning to his seat, wandered off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, unnoticed by the flight attendant, another passenger entered the same toilet. When 5-6 minutes passed and the caring stewardess did not see the boy come out of the restroom, she went over to the toilet door, knocked on it and in a soft voice asked:
“Do you need any help with your zipper dear?”
From inside a startled voice was heard:
“Good Grief! Singapore Airlines really does provide outstanding service.”   
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Saturday, June 09, 2012

Category: Afterlife

HEALTHY LIFE
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked:
“What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply:
“This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man looked at his wife and said:
“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”
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Friday, June 08, 2012

Category: Women's Lib

GOD'S GIFTS
God was just about done creating the universe, but he had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
“It's a very handy thing,” - God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged:
“Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...”
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.
“Fine,” - God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. “What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”
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