Category: Blondes

FINISH?

  One day a virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to is bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile:

"So, you finish?" 

She paused for a second, frowned and replied:

"No."

Surprised, Luigi reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Luigi smiled and asked:

"You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said:

"No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Luigi reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Luigi fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again:

"You finish?" 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear:

"No, I Norwegian."

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Category: C'est la Vie

WRONG NUMBER

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy said:
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause:
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy said:
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
“No, this is 486-5713.....”
“Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

THE RABBI'S ADVICE

An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard and made the following suggestion:
"Hire a good looking, strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife to fantasize and should bring the desired pleasure."
They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. It didn't help and she remained unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi.
"Okay", – said the rabbi to the husband, – "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly:
"You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

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Category: Marital Bliss TOTAL COMMITMENT

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These positions are hard to fill and a lot of testing and background checks are involved before one can even be considered for the position. After background checks, training and testing, the possible choices have been narrowed down to two men and a woman. The day came for the final test, to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test, took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, – they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said:

“You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” - said the CIA men, – “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” – they explained. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes and then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

“I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” – the CIA men replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for minutes and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:

“You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

A LITTLE MISUNDERTANDING

Nurse Simpleton was quite dense, but the duty surgeon was so exhausted that after giving the nurse detailed instructions, he thought he could afford to get a little shuteye - until the next emergency. Hardly had his head touched the pillow, or so it seemed, when some awful screaming on the corridor outside his room, brought him to full alert. He opened the door and saw a frightened man, sans pants, running for his life, pursued by Nurse Simpleton, who was carrying a cauldron full of steaming hot water.

Aghast the doctor shouted:

“Come back, Miss Simpleton. What I instructed you to do was, to prick the patient’s boil!”

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