Friday, April 30, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

TONGUE TIED

Three young priests came to the railroad station, all wanting to go to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very shapely girl. Well-endowed, gorgeous, in fact quite amazing. The priests were quite embarrassed, so they flipped a coin to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window:

“I would like three pickets to Titsburgh...”.

Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached:

“I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” - he began, - “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.”

So of course he also fled. Then came the third:

“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” - he continued,” - if you insist on dressing like this, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his peter at you.”

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories

AS LONG AS YOU ARE AT IT

A trucker took a nun hitchhiker. He drove to some secluded woods and raped her. As he pulled on his pants, he felt some remorse and asked:

“What will you tell your Mother Superior now?”

The sobbing sister:

“That a brutish truck driver violated me twice.”

The surprised trucker:

“Twice? But I only did it once.”

The nun apprehensively:

“Why, are you in a hurry?”

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Category: Ecumenical Stories CONFESSIONATE LEAVE

The Catholic priest and the rabbi in the small town were the best of friends. After all, they were colleagues. One day when the priest was officiating in the confessional, the wife of one of his old parishioner’s phoned and told him that her husband is dying and is asking for him to be at his bedside. Faced with a problem the priest phoned the rabbi and asked him to come to the church urgently.

When the rabbi arrived, the priest asked him to take over for him for an hour or so. The rabbi was flabbergasted:

“What will your parishioners think of me, a rabbi in a priest’s seat?”

“Nobody will notice. The confessional has a grating, so that the confessors are unable to see the person hearing their confessions,” - answered his colleague.

The Jewish clergyman raised another objection:

“But I don’t even know what to say and do!”

“Just watch me and you will get the hang of it,” - said the minister

The priest entered the confessional and closed the door. Soon a woman in her thirties approached, knelt down and whispered through the grille:

“Father, bless me, for I have sinned!”

“How many times have you sinned, my daughter?” - asked the priest.

“Five times.”

“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s, sin no more and the merciful God will grant you an absolution.”

The penitent woman rose, crossed herself and left the church. The priest came out and said to the doubtful rabbi:

“You see it is quite simple. Maybe nobody else will even show up today. I promise to be back soon.”

The rabbi entered the confessional, closed the door and waited. For a long while nobody came, but just as the returning priest came in through a side door, he saw a woman kneeling before the confessional. He overheard her saying:

“Father, bless me, for I have sinned.”

“How many times did you sin my daughter?” - asked the Jewish cleric.

“Three times,” - answered the woman.

“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s and you may sin two more times.”

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Category: Drinking Problem

THE PHARMACIST AND THE DRUNKARD

In the middle of the night the emergency bell rang at the pharmacy on duty. Grumbling under his breath, the old pharmacist got out of bed, put a dressing gown around his shoulders, slipped into his house shoes and shuffled out to the shop. He opened the wicket and asked:

“Yes, what can I do for you?”

The obviously drunken person on the street said:

“Finally! Do you have some blue ink?”

“Sir, this is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ink here and this is the middle of the night.”

With that, the pharmacist closed the wicket and went back to his interrupted dream. He had barely fallen asleep, when the bell rang once more. He got up again, opened the small window and saw the same man standing there:

“Do you have any blue ink?” - he asked.

“I told you already we don’t have any ink at all,” - said the pharmacist angrily and slammed the window. This time about half an hour passed before the bell rang again. Once again it was the same man, but before the furious pharmacist could utter a word, the drunkard spoke up:

“I know, I know, you don’t have any ink,” - he said and extended his hand with a small bottle in it, - “so I brought you some.”

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Monday, April 26, 2010

Category: Doctors and Patients GOOD NEWS

Aunt Jemima was feeling unwell for a while, so she went to see her doctor. The physician examined her, gave her some tests, shook his head worriedly and told her to come back in week. A week passed. Aunt Jemima returned to the clinic:

“Dear Doc, please tell me, how are my test results?”

“I don’t want you to take it to heart, but they‘re very bad. First of all you have cancer, your blood pressure is extremely high and your EKG is far from good. But never mind, with that weak asthmatic lung of yours you won’t survive long anyway.”

“Oh my God! Can you tell me anything positive?”

“Oh yeah! I’ve some good news too.”

The eyes of Aunt Jemima glistened hopefully:

“And what is that sweetie?”

“Yesterday my son was accepted to university.”

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Category: Doctors and Patients POST OPERATIVE TRAUMA

After the operation the patient awakened:

“Doctor, did the operation succeed?”

“It did, but I’m not your doctor, but St. Peter.”

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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Category: Doctors and Patients SPLIT PERSONALITY

Two psychoanalysts met:

“How are you doing?” - asked one.

“Fabulously!” - replied his colleague. “I’m treating a schizoid.”

“And what is so fabulous about that?”

“Both pay their bills promptly.”

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Friday, April 23, 2010

Category: Doctors and Patients PLAYING DOCTORS AND NURSES

The doorbell rang at the single parent doctor’s home. At the door was his next-door neighbor. The usually pleasantly disposed woman’s face was now beetle-red and she was screaming:

“This is outrageous! Your son played doctors and nurses with my daughter. The child came home stark naked.”

“But Judy dear, there’s nothing wrong in that. The kid just expressed his natural interest towards the other sex in a playful way.’

“Natural interest my ass! – the mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Category: Doctors and Patients EFFECTIVE DIET

Mr. Lee was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet:

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.”

When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that's amazing!” - the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

Mr. Lee nodded:

“I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Category: Doctors and Patients A PROBLEM OF SEMANTICS

The physician prescribed Mr. Smith some suppositories for his backache and ordered him to take them through his rectum. Mr. Smith was too embarrassed to ask what a rectum was, so he went home and asked his wife if they have a rectum. His wife too would not admit that she does not know what a rectum is and replied that they had one, but their neighbor had borrowed it. Mr. Smith grumbled a little about those damn neighbors who never return anything they borrow and then swallowed a suppository. It was not easy, but with a glass of water, he somehow managed to get it down.

After about a fortnight when his backache did not improve, he went to see his doctor again. The physician found it odd, as the medicine he prescribed was a very potent one. He asked:

“Tell me, Mr. Smith, how did you take those suppositories?”

“I swallowed them, of course,” - answered the man angrily. “What the hell was I supposed to do, stuff them into my ass?”

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Category: C'est la Vie

A PENNY A DAY

Two men stood at the curb in front of a brand new, glass and marble 50-story office-tower in New York. One wore a smart Savile Row suit, had on Italian shoes, cuff links made of gold and the diamond in his tiepin was the size of a giant pea. The other’s clothing was clean and freshly pressed, but a little on the shabby side. While waiting for the lights to change, the well-dressed man took a cigar from his breast pocket, unwrapped and lit it and started to puff away. His companion looked at him curiously and suddenly asked:

“Excuse me, what is the price of such a cigar?”

“$35, this is a real Cuban cigar,” - was the answer.

“And how many of them do you smoke every day?” - continued the other one.

“About ten.”

The man was probably good with figures, because within a minute he blurted out:

“But that is more than $126,000 a year. Imagine, if you just gave up smoking, you could buy a house like that one on the other side of the street, within a few years.”

Now it was the other man’s turn to ask:

“Do you smoke?”

“No,” - came the prompt reply.

“And do you own such a building?”

Again the answer was negative. The lights changed and as the two started across the street, the well-dressed gentleman wound up their conversation:

“Well, I don’t know about giving up smoking, but that building there belongs to me.”

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Monday, April 19, 2010

Category: C'est la Vie USE AS NEEDED

A man dressed in a suit came up to the front porch of a house juggling a clipboard, some papers and a briefcase. He knocked on the door and a middle-aged man answered it:

“Mornin' stranger, what can I do for you?”

“Well sir, we are paid by private companies to canvas consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”

“I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away young man.” - said the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asked:

“Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”

“Yes sir, for as long as I can remember.”

“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” - said the survey-taker, pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

“Let's see, .....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and sex.”

The well-dressed man stopped writing abruptly. He looked around, leant forward and in a low voice said:

“We pride ourselves on being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”

“No problem,” – the homeowner replied, whispering too, – “we put it on our bedroom doorknob.”

The survey-taker got a strange look on his face and took a step backwards before the homeowner continued: “It keeps the kids out.”

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Sunday, April 18, 2010

Category: Business is Business EASY

Three contractors were touring the White House. One was from New York, another from Missouri and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they replied that they were contractors the guard said:

“Hey, we need the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid.”

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said:

“Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said:

“I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

Then the guard asked the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor said:

“$2700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said:

“You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an high figure?”

“Easy,” – said the contractor from New York, – “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Category: Boys and Girls OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant. The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off, the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable. As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat. She scanned the menu yet again, and said:

“To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, they may just bring the cart.”

Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but also by the cost of all of this, he asked:

“Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?”

“Well, no,” – she admitted, – “but no one at home wants to sleep with me.”

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Category: Boys and Girls HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Category: Boys and Girls

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, attend, fascinate, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, calm, respect, entertain, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, enchant, flabbergast, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack and do it again.

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Category: Blondes NO WAY OUT

It was the pretty new blonde stewardesses' first flight on that particular route. Due to its length, the crew had to stay over in another city. On arrival, the crew was driven to a hotel, had dinner and it being the end of a long day, they all retired to their rooms. The next morning, as the crew gathered in the hotel lobby for their pick-up to the airport, the captain noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He called up her room number, wondering what happened to her. In a broken voice the girl complained that she was unable to get out of her room. The captain was flabbergasted:

“Why can't you get out of your room?” – he asked.

The stewardess replied:

“There are only three doors in here,” – she sobbed, – “one is the bathroom, one is the closet and the third has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!’”

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Category: Blondes FIRE ALARM

A little old lady phoned the fire department:

“Please come quickly, there’s a fire in my house.”

“All right, where is it?”

“In the kitchen.”

“I understand, but how do we get there?”

“Don’t you have that big red fire-engine anymore?”

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Monday, April 12, 2010

Category: Blondes PROVEN WRONG

A blonde complained about being called a dumb blonde. A friend advised her:

“Do something to prove them wrong! You could for example learn by heart all the state capitals.”

The girl thought that this was a great idea and for two weeks running studied like one obsessed. Soon afterwards she went to a party and overheard a man making some dumb blonde comments. Indignantly she declared:

“I'm not a dumb blonde and I can prove it. I can name all the state capitals!”

As the guy didn't believe her, she dared him to test her. He asked:

“What's the capital of Montana?”

The blonde drew herself up proudly and said:

“That's easy! It's M!”

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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Category: Blondes VITAL INSTRUCTIONS

A blonde girl walked into the hairdresser’s. When her turn came, the hairdresser asked her if he could remove her Walkman.

“No, no,” - protested the girl, - “I shall die, if you take it off.”

The coiffeur started on her hair and on reaching the girl’s ears, asked again, if she would consent to remove her earphones. The girl refused once again. The hairdresser tried to work his way around the offending obstacles but cut one of the wires by accident. No more than a minute had passed and his client dropped dead. After all efforts to revive her had failed, someone took the cassette out of the Walkman and inserted it in the shop’s tape deck. The machine was switched on and they all listened to the recording:

“Inhale!”

“Exhale!”

“Inhale!”

“Exhale!”

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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Category: At Work THE BEST ANIMAL FOR THE JOB

With the price of fuel and spare parts constantly on the rise, the big industrial company decided it would be more economical to make all deliveries within the company by horse and wagon. Ads were published in the classified sections of all large newspapers but no candidates came forward. The ads were published again and at last someone applied for the vacant post.

“But you are a dog,” - wondered the head of the Manager of Personnel.

“Of course” - answered the candidate, - “but I am strong and ready to do the job of a horse. I am even willing to neigh and eat oats. I have a big family to support and I really need the job.”

The canine applicant got the job and indeed fulfilled his task satisfactorily.

A few months later there was a big burglary on the premises and the manager of Internal Security decided that if the guards had had a good dog, the burglars would have been frightened away. Again a ‘Wanted’ ad was published and after a while a horse came and applied for the vacant position.

“I am ready to do anything a dog can do,” - said the equine candidate. “I can bark quite well, can subsist on bones and if necessary will even wag my tail”.

The horse got the job and presumably did his job well enough. At least there were no additional burglaries at the company. One day the dog and horse met by chance in the dining room.

“What are you doing here?” - asked the surprised dog.

“I work as a watch-dog,” - answered the horse. “And what is your job in our company?”

“I pull a wagon,” - said the dog.

The two employees discussed their respective positions and decided that it would be advantageous for all concerned, if they swapped jobs. The dog took it on himself to arrange the matter with the Manager of Personnel.

“I foresee no problem,” - he remarked. “Surely he will see that it is more reasonable if a dog does a dog’s job and a horse a horse’s job.”

After a while the dog slouched back with a dejected face, ears down, tail between his legs.

“What happened?” - asked the horse.

“What happened is that the job of Manager of Personnel was given to a donkey!”

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Friday, April 09, 2010

Category: At the Restaurant YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME

A tourist in a restaurant in Cordoba decided to try an item prominently displayed on the menu: Local treat - Bull’s balls.” He found it delicious and told the waiter that he would like to bring his friends with him the next day, so that they too can taste this delicacy. The waiter replied that this particular item is only available on weekends, immediately following the Corrida, which is held on Saturdays.

The tourist came back the next Sunday with his friends and ordered Bull’s Balls for everyone. After a while their order had arrived, but the guest seemed unhappy. He called the waiter over and asked:

“What on earth happened to your portions? The last time the balls were huge, but today they are minuscule.”

“I am sorry, Señor,” - replied the waiter - “this time the bull won.”

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Thursday, April 08, 2010

Category: At the Court-of-Law LOGICAL ASSUMPTION

Every night, at the end of the performance, the actor had a few drinks with his friends and stayed with them at the artists' café, till the wee hours of the night. Then he slept in until noon and got up just in time for lunch. One day, he was required to testify in a traffic case and was ordered by the judge to show up at court at 8 o’clock in the morning, or face jail and a fine. He got up with difficulty, revived himself with a few cups of black coffee, washed, got dressed and finally managed to step out to the street. To his surprise, it was full of hurrying people and on the road, there was rush-hour traffic. The actor exclaimed:

“So many people are testifying at court today?”

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Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Category: At the Card Table POKER
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue's, legs were spread wide and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked:
"Did you see anything you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said:
"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly:
“Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered:
"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked:
"And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering up her best poker face, replied:
"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying:
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
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