Hi Earthling,
Here I am a creature from outer space,
I have transformed myself into this piece of paper,
Right now I am having sex with your fingers,
I know you like it because you are smiling,
Please send me on to someone else or stay with me.
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AGREEMENT
“
“I cannot,” – replied
“What sort of agreement?”
“They are not selling hot-dogs, I’m not loaning money.”
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Said a man:
“I have a very educated wife. She speaks two foreign languages and reads a lot.”
His pal nodded quietly:
“My wife is ugly too.”
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A man and woman entered the restaurant and took seats at one of the empty tables. The man beckoned to the waiter.
“I am quite hungry, so broil me your biggest, thickest, juiciest beef-steak.”
“And what about the Mad Cow?” – asked the waiter.
“The mad cow can order whatever she fancies.”
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MUTUAL DISLIKE
After repeated complaints of pain in her abdomen, the dutiful husband took his wife to a clinic. The internist gave the woman a thorough medical check-up, then with a frown on his face, motioned the husband to the side and whispered to him:
“I don’t like your wife at all.”
“Neither do I,” – whispered the husband back, – “but what can I do? She’s such a good mother to our kids.”
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One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:
“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”
His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:
“Where? Where?” – she demanded.
“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”
“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”
“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.
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A fellow said to his buddy:
“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”
His buddy said:
“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”
The next day his buddy asked:
“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”
“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”
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“Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me and is excellent in bed.”
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then one day, as she was doing her laundry, she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
“May I help you?” - she asked.
“I am the man of your dreams!” - said the man.
Completely baffled, she said:
“Excuse me?”
“I read your ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you.”
“But are you good in bed?” - she asked.
He replied:
“How do you think I knocked on the door?!”
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The UJF (United Jewish Fund) realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his elegant office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying:
"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to
The lawyer thought for a minute and said:
"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the UJF rep mumbled:
"Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," - said the lawyer, - "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken UJF rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said:
"I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer said:
"So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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A guy went on vacation to the
The guy said: "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asked: "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy said: "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”
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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating
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A child to his mother:
“Mummy, can you buy me a tampon?”
“Why on the Earth do you need a tampon?” - wondered the mother.
“I read in the newspaper that you can do everything with a tampon, swim, play tennis and even ride a horse.”
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“I hope that I can be of assistance to you after your release,” - said the prison chaplain to the bank robber.
“Thank you,” - answered the hardened criminal, - “but I always work alone.”
A blind man came into the carpentry workshop. He felt the wood file with his fingers and exclaimed:
“Who wrote such a lot of nonsense?”
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A scientist invented the invention of the century: A machine for raising IQ’s. The treatment was simple enough. An electrode was attached to each of the patient’s temples; the machine was switched on and after 15 minutes, the subject’s IQ increased by about 20%. The news of the invention got around, as everyone wanted to become more intelligent and soon lines were forming outside the scientist’s lab.
Long hours and the tediousness of the process took their toll and one day, just as he was attaching the electrodes to a black man’s temples; the scientist was called away for an urgent phone-call. In his hurry, he attached the electrodes in reverse, so that instead of raising the IQ, they lowered it. Just as he finished his phone-conversation, he realized his mistake, hurried back to the treatment-room, removed the electrodes and anxiously inquired of his patient:
“How you are, Sir?”
“Dobrze” (good in Polish) - answered the black man.
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A young mother asked her mother to take her child to the beach and beseeched her to take good care of him. She need not have worried. The grandmother kept her charge almost within arm’s reach and did not let him out of sight. Suddenly a big wave came out of the sea and before anything could be done, the boy was swept away. The stricken grandmother fell to her knees and with tears in her eyes shouted towards the sky:
“Almighty God, how could you have done such a cruel deed to me? To me
Just as she finished speaking, another huge wave swept in and set the missing child at his grandmother’s feet.
“Thank you Dear Lord,” –- said the grateful woman, – “but what about the cap the boy had on his head?”
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At the
“Urgent. Required a mate for our female gorilla. Only candidates, who are single, strong and in perfect physical condition, need to apply. $300, twice weekly.”
Only one reply was received: The letter read:
“I am a 35 year old sailor, single and muscle-bound, ready to do the job as many times a week as necessary, but I have three conditions:
1. I don't want to have to kiss her.
2. I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.
3. I can only afford to pay $150.”
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BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER
In the old
“Tell me, Your Excellency, in your years in the Army, did you manage to remain a Jew?”
“I tried my best,” – answered the soldier.
The rabbi pressed on:
“Did you observe the holy Sabbath?”
“How could I? The enemy does not observe the Jewish holidays and when he attacks, we too must make our move, Sabbath, or not.”
“But did you eat kosher food?”
“Sometimes I was happy to get any food at all and besides, where would I have obtained kosher food?”
The rabbi was getting desperate:
“But did you at least say your prayers regularly?”
The general was ready with his reply:
“In your opinion, how would it look for an Imperial Army officer to be seen wearing a prayer shawl and phylacteries?”
The exasperated minister was at his wit’s end:
“But Your Excellency, pray tell me, what is it, that is still Jewish in you?”
“I am still afraid of dogs,” – answered the veteran soldier
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The English lord was showing his French acquaintance around his estate.
“This here is my golf course.”
“And how often do you play?”
“I tried it once, but found that it was boring.”
They went on.
“These are my stables.”
“Do you ride a lot?”
“Once I took one of my horses for a ride, but found that it was quite boring.”
They went on and encountered a young boy.
“This is my son.”
“I guess that it’s your only child.”
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A Jew converted and became a priest. He gave his first mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal went up to congratulate him.
“
* Plural of the Hebrew goy, meaning nation, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.
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The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said:
“I’ll take him and him and him.”
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. During that experience she saw God and asked him if that was it. God said no and explained that she had another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery, she decided to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. She figured that since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of them.
She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. Upon arriving in front of God she complained:
“I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replied apologetically:
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”
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A man, reeking of alcohol, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:
“Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”
The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior, snapped:
“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man!”
“Well, I’ll be,” – the man muttered and returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:
“I’m sorry to have come on so strong – I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
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A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he noticed a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -
He thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without second thought. Soon, he saw another sign which said:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -
Suddenly, he began to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drove past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity got the best of him and he pulled into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbed the steps and rang the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit who asked:
“What may we do for you, my son?”
He answered:
“I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”
He was led through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man:
“Please knock on this door.”
He did as he was told and it was answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructed:
“Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”
He got $50 out of his wallet, placed it in the nun’s cup, trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
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The archbishop was forewarned about the muckraking English journalists. So when he landed at Heathrow airport and one of the press representatives shot him a provocative question, he gave the most non-committed answer, as possible. The question was:
“What is Your Eminence’s opinion of the night life in
The archbishop replied:
“Is there any night life in
The next day the headlines in some of the tabloids were:
ARCHBISHOP VISITS BRITAIN. HIS FIRST QUESTION:
Is there nightlife in
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The veterinarian had an exhausting day, but when he finally got home from tending to all those sick animals, his wife received him with a cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went to bed.
At about 3:00 o’clock in the morning, the phone rang.
“Is this the vet?” – asked an elderly lady's voice.
“Yes, it is”, – replied the vet, “Is it an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, – said the lady, – “some cats on my roof are making a terrible noise mating and I can't sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a half-minute pause, after which the vet patiently replied:
“Open the window and tell them that they have a phone call.”
“ And will that stop them?” – asked the elderly lady?”
“It should,” – said the vet. “IT STOPPED ME!”
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