Category: Business is Business

TITLE

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel called up the Pope and asked for a favor. The Pope said:

"What can I do?

"The Colonel said:

"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replied:

"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."

 So the Colonel hanged up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panicked and called again:

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded:

"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel got desperate:

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us
this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replied:

"Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his cardinals and said:

"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The cardinals rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news.

The Pope replied:

"The bad news is that we are going to lose the Wonder Bread account."

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Category: Preposterpus Stories

BAD CUT

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We're taking TWA,” - was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” - exclaimed the barber. “That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That's rich,” - laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” - explained the man, - “not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” - muttered the barber, - “I know you didn't get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet personally some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” - asked the barber. “What'd he say?”

“Not much really. He just said: ‘Where'd you get that lousy haircut?!’”

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Category: Preposterous Stories

BRAGGER

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day:
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know him."
Tired of Goldberg’s boasting, the boss called his bluff:
"OK, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So Goldberg and his boss flew out to Hollywood, knocked on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough Tom Cruise shouted:
"Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Goldberg's boss was still skeptical. After they left Cruise's house, he told Goldberg that he thought Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," – Goldberg said.
"President Bush," – his boss quickly retorted.
"Yes," – Goldberg said, – "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they went. At the White House, Bush spotted Goldberg on the tour and motioned him and his boss over, saying:
"Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in.
Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss was very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Goldberg, who again implored him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," – his boss replied.
"Sure!" – said Goldberg. "I've known the Pope for a long time."
So off they flew to Rome. Goldberg and his boss were assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg said:
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappeared into the crowd, headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerged with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time he returned, he found that his boss has had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side,
Goldberg asked him:
"What happened?"
His boss looked up and said:
"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked: ‘”Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?’"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

MOISHE AND THE POPE

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said:
“I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the Cardinals asked the Pope what had happened. The Pope said:
“First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of Original Sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
“What happened?” - they asked.
“Well,” - said Moishe, - “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“Yes, yes .. and then???” - asked the crowd.
“I don't know,” - said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

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Category: Ecumenical Jokes

THE SECRET

Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome went to the Vatican and presented an ancient, by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspected the envelope, shook his head and handed it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departed. This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to in turn by his predecessor...but then the Pope said:

“This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?”
“Damned if I know,” – answered the Chief Rabbi. “I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out.”
“Good idea,” – said the Pope.
So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

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Category: Ethnic Stories

CARDINAL JACK

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” - said one of the Cardinals, - “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews, or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” - said the Cardinal, - “we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can't lose!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match:

“I came in second, your Holiness,” - said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” - exclaimed the surprised Pope. - “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” - said Nicklaus, - “I came in second to Rabbi Woods.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

WRONG WORD

A gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he overheard a crewmember mentioning that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” - thought the man. “I’ve always wanted to meet the Pope.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” - thought the man. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, I can help him.”

After a while, the Pope turned to the man and said:

“Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind.

“Good grief,”- thought the man, - “I can’t tell the Pope that word. There must be another.”

The man thought for a while and then it hit him. Turning to the Pontiff, he said:

“I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Oh yeah,” - said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories WELL, I'LL BE...

A man, reeking of alcohol, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

“Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”

The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior, snapped:

“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man!”

“Well, I’ll be,” – the man muttered and returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:

“I’m sorry to have come on so strong – I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories THE BILL

Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome went to the Vatican and presented an ancient, by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspected the envelope, shook his head and handed it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departed. This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to in turn by his predecessor...but then the Pope said:

“This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?”

“Damned if I know,” – answered the Chief Rabbi. “I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out.”

“Good idea,” – said the Pope.

So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Business Is Business KFC

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel called up the Pope and asked for a favor. The Pope said:

"What can I do?

"The Colonel said:

"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replied:

"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hanged up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panicked and called again:

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded:

"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel got desperate:

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replied:

"Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his cardinals and said:

"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The cardinals rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news.

The Pope replied:

"The bad news is that we are going to lose the Wonder Bread account."

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Ecumenical Stories WRONG WORD

A gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he overheard a crewmember mentioning that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” - thought the man. “I’ve always wanted to meet the Pope.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” - thought the man. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, I can help him.”

After a while, the Pope turned to the man and said:

“Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind.

“Good grief,”- thought the man, - “I can’t tell the Pope that word. There must be another.”

The man thought for a while and then it hit him. Turning to the Pontiff, he said:

“I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Oh yeah,” - said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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