Category: Airline Stories A CONVINCING ARGUMENT

On a flight out of one of the Eastern European countries, a farmer got on the airplane. He put his bundle of belongings on one seat, his cane and hat on the other and deposited his ample behind on a third seat. The stewardess asked him to move his baggage to the overhead bin or under his seat and tried to assist him with the task, but the man just glared at her fiercely and she desisted.

One of the passengers noticed her problem and offered assistance.

“I know these people,” - he said. He went over to the man, whispered in his ear and after a short while, the farmer got up and moved his things off the two seats. The stewardess was very thankful to the helpful passenger, but wanted to know:

“What did you tell him that made him move his gear so readily?”

“I explained to him that these seats are flying to a different destination.”

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Category: Afterlife HEALTHY LIFE

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked:

“What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply:

“This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man looked at his wife and said:

“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”

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Category: Accountants BRIEF NOTES

¬ “An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.”

¬ Question:

“What does an accountant use for birth control?”

Answer:

“His personality.”

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Category: Women's Lib KEEPING HERSELF PURE

A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, coming in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

“No thank you,” - she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult,” - the man replied.

“Oh, I don't mind too much,” - she said, - “but it has my husband is pretty upset.”

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Category: Viagra STRONG MEDICINE

A lady went to the doctor and complained that her husband was losing interest in sex. The doctor gave her a pill, warned her it is still experimental and told her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. About a week later she was back at the doctor and reported joyously:

“Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor said:

“I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah... “, – she said, – “that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway.”

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Category: Those Professionals TEST A very shy guy went into a bar and saw beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally went over to her and asked tentatively: “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responded by yelling, at the top of her lungs: “No, I won't sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar was now staring at them. Naturally, the guy was hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slunk back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walked over to him and apologized. She smiled at him and said: “I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responded, at the top of his lungs: “What do you mean $200?”

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Category: The Establisment THE CARD A Department of Water representative stopped at an outer Brisbane farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer: “I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.” The old farmer said: “OK, but don't go in that field over there.” The water representative said: “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?” The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...........“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

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Category: Computers IF A RESTAURANT FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT Patron: “Waiter!” Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill and I'm your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?” Patron: “There's a fly in my soup!” Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.” Patron: “No, it's still there.” Waiter: “Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork.” Patron: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.” Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?” Patron: “A SOUP bowl!” Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?” Patron: “You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!” Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?” Patron: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!” Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?” Patron: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??” Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.” Patron: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?” Waiter: “The current Soup of the Day is tomato.” Patron: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.” The waiter left and returned with another bowl of soup and the check: Waiter: “Here you are, Sir, the soup and your check.” Patron: “But this is potato soup.” Waiter: “Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.” Patron: “Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.” The waiter left. Patron: “Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!” The check: Soup of the Day ……… .........……… $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day…. $2.50 Access to support …………………… $10.00 Total ………………………………… $17.50

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Category: Tax Matters DRESS CODE

A Jew came to see the rabbi:

“Rabbi! There's something is wrong with my tax returns and I have been summoned to the IRS offices. Can you tell me what shall I wear? My best suit, or rather something shabby?”

“My son, questions as regards the dress code belong to my wife's department. Let's go and ask her.”

“This is a very good question,” – said the rabbi's wife. “The other day Rebecca asked me if on her wedding night she should wear a nightgown, pajamas, or maybe should await her husband naked. I told her that it doesn't matter. She will be screwed anyway.”

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Category: Straight from the Hip SOUND ADVICE A woman of dubious reputation complained to the corner policeman: “Yesterday in the neighborhood café someone called me a whore.” “Why do you go to places where they know you?”

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Category: Sporting World SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF

A recent Scottish immigrant attended his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit heard the fans roaring “Run....Run!” The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump called a walk the Scotsman stood up yelling:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered:

“He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed:

“Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

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Category: Policemen CROSSED WIRES

Two policemen walked their beat in the East-European capital. One of them suggested:

“Don’t you think it would be wise if we learned a foreign language?”

Hardly had he finished speaking, when a big American car stopped near them. A man leaned out of the window and asked:

“Do you speak English?”

Both policemen shook their heads in negation.

The man tried again:

“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”

“Parlate Italiano?’

“Parlez vous Francais?”

“¿Habla Espanol?”

To each of the questions, the policemen just looked at him uncomprehendingly. At last the foreigner muttered under his breath: 'Damn!' and drove off.

“You see, that man spoke at least five languages and where did it get him?” – asked the second policeman.

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Category: Political Jokes YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SYSTEM In communist Poland a Page One news item in the Party organ advised, that a long-awaited shipment of flour had arrived and there would be fresh bread the next day. In the early morning hours a long line has formed in front of the bakery. The baker was also waiting inside his shop. At about 7 o’clock when he saw that the delivery-truck had not arrived yet, he opened the door and called out: “It seems there will not be enough bread for everyone. All the Jews should go home!” A few left. At 8 o’clock, the baker came out again and shouted: “There’re still too many left. All who are not Party members may go home!” Now the crowd diminished considerably. At 10 o’clock, the baker emerged once more: “There will be bread only for families with small children. The rest need not wait any longer.” Now only a few dozen women were left in the queue. At 11:30, the baker appeared again and announced: “I am sorry, but there will not be any bread today. Apparently, the flour was stale.” Slowly the women dispersed. One of them remarked: “Look at the bloody Jews, they got home and are warming their fat butts since hours ago.”

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Category: Parenting FREE WILL On the eve of his son’s departure to study at a university abroad, the anxious father asked: “You will write often, won’t you son?” “Of course I will Dad, but from time to time you can send some money on your own volition.” SOUND MIND The relatives of the rich widow assembled at the family lawyer's office for the reading of her will. “Being of sound mind,” – read the attorney, – “I spent every last cent before I died.”

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Category: On the Farm COUP OF GRACE Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer: “Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine’?” - asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded: “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...” “I didn't ask for any details,” - the lawyer interrupted, - “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?” Farmer Joe said: “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...” The lawyer interrupted again and said: “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact, that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks later he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer: “I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said: ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are YOU feeling?’”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations THE SECRET OF LONGEVITY As part of a survey, undertaken with the purpose of trying to discover the reasons behind longevity, a scientist interviewed scores of old people. “What is your secret for long life?” - he asked the first interviewee. “I drink a big glass of milk three times a day, in the morning, at noon and at night,” - answered the old guy. “And how old are you?” “94 years old.” The scientist thanked him and called in the second man. “What is your secret?” - he asked again. “I refrain from consuming any meat, eat only fresh vegetables and fruit.” “And what is your age?” “I just celebrated my 90th birthday.” The scientist continued with his interviews. The third man said he jogs at least three times a day, each time about 5 kilometers and he is 103 years old. The fourth, fifth and sixth each had their own recipes for longevity and each could point to his advanced years as proof that his secret is the most effective. Finally, in came a man, who looked the oldest of the lot. His back was bent, his head trembling; he barely managed to reach the interviewing table. He too was asked: “What is your secret?” “I sleep three times a day with an 18 old girl.” This was a new angle. The scientist continued with his query: “And how old are you?” “49 years old,” - replied the patriarch.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations A MATTER OF PATIENCE On his 100th birthday a reporter asked the patriarch, how he had managed to reach such a ripe old age. The old gent just shrugged: “Very simply. I had one glass of brandy every day.” “But there are many others who drink and don’t live to become 100 years old,” - wondered the reporter. “Of course not,” – answered the venerable guy, – “they don’t keep it up long enough.”

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