Category: Old Age Humiliations REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK An elderly gent visited his physician and complained about having a bowel movement every morning exactly at 7 a.m. The good doctor was surprised at the complaint: “You should be satisfied that at your age your bowels move so regularly.” “It is all well,” – replied his patient – “trouble is, I usually wake up at about 8 a. m.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKE On their 30-year anniversary, the Smiths decided to reenact their honeymoon. They went to the same hotel, got the same suite and as dinnertime came around, Mrs. Smith said: “Darling, do you remember, 30 years ago we didn’t go down for dinner, but had it here in our room?” Obediently, Mr. Smith went to the phone and asked Room Service to bring dinner to their room. But Mrs. Smith strove for even more authenticity: “You remember honey, that on our first honeymoon, we ate our dinner stark naked?” So, after the old waiter (the same they had 30 years ago!) wheeled in the laden trolley, set the table, lighted the candles and left their suite, both Smiths undressed and sat down to have their festive dinner. Mrs. Smith gushed with happiness and beamed at her husband: “Isn’t everything the same as it was then? It seems that nothing has changed. I even feel the same warmth in my heart.” Mr. Smith, poor soul, was less romantically inclined and answered: “That warmth comes from your tits which hang into the soup, my dear.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations TOTAL AMNESIA

The elderly lady complained to her daughter:

“I am getting on in age and I think I should stop holding these weekly bridge-parties at my house. I prepare sandwiches, cakes, soft drinks and when everybody is gone, I discover that I forgot to serve them.”

“Oh Mum, it would be a foolish to stop something you enjoy so much,” – said the daughter. “I know you look forward to the party all through the week. I‘ll prepare a note and attach it to the fridge door to remind you of the things you must do.”

The system worked fine. When the bridge players next assembled at the old lady’s home and she entered her kitchen, she saw her daughter’s note:

“Serve coffee and cakes.”

The woman followed the instructions. The next time she came to fetch a glass of water, she saw the note again and served her guests again. This scene was repeated for the third and fourth time. There were plenty of cakes and nobody really noticed being served several times, because the bridge partners were as forgetful as their host was.

Just as the guests were leaving, the daughter arrived.

“Did my mother serve you coffee and cakes?” – she asked.

“No,” – replied the friends. “She is becoming a miser in her old age. We were quite hungry, but we did not get anything.”

The daughter entered the apartment and asked her mother:

“Mummy, why didn’t you serve coffee and cakes to your friends?”

“Just imagine,” – answered the lady, – “nobody showed up.”

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Category: Nouveau Riche OURS IS NICER

One night, the Moneymakers were having dinner. Seated at opposite ends of their five-meter long oak-wood table, Mr. Moneymaker remarked to his wife:

“You know, every man at our club keeps a mistress. I am the only one, who does not have one. What will they think of us?”

“If everybody has a mistress, you should take one too,” - replied his loyal sidekick. “We don’t want people thinking, that we cannot afford one.”

And indeed, with the help of his wife, Mr. Moneymaker managed to find a mistress. He spent two evenings a week with her and while relaxing with his friends in the sauna, he had the satisfaction of being able to complain:

“My mistress wants a new mink-coat again.”

One night the Moneymakers went to the theater. Before the curtain rose, Mrs. Moneymaker looked through her binoculars at the rest of the audience. Suddenly, she pulled her husband’s sleeve:

“Who is that gorgeous blonde beside McCormick?”

“Probably his mistress.”

“His mistress? She is not so pretty after all. Ours is nicer, don’t you agree?”

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Category: Naughty Jokes CROSSWORD PUZZLE “What is a ‘female genital organ, 5 letters?” “Horizontal, or vertical?” “Horizontal.” “Mouth.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes SAVING ACCOUNT A man walked into his younger brother’s room and found him masturbating. “Are you crazy,” - asked the elder brother - “jacking off like that, a week before getting married? You should save it for your wedding!” Three days later, the brother came upon his sibling whacking off wildly once again. He queried exasperatedly: “Haven’t I told you to save it for your wife-to-be?” “I did, I did,” - answered the young one - “this bottle here is almost full.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes CAR RALLY

The noise in the singles’ bar was deafening and the lady seated on the barstool had to lean over and almost shout in her neighbor’s ear:

“I have an itchy pussy!”

The man nodded and replied:

“I drive a Japanese car too, a Mitsubishi.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

NO PROBLEM

The young man, who lost one of his legs in an accident, had difficulty establishing a lasting male-female relationship. Advanced medical technology replaced his missing limb so well, that his handicap became almost unnoticeable. As he was a fairly good-looking man, he never had any trouble in attracting the girl he fancied. Their relationship would progress step-by-step, until it reached the stage, where, inflamed by passion, both wanted to bring their affair to its ultimate culmination. They would start undressing and depending on the particular girl he was with, the following would happen:

Some of the girls screamed, others reacted more restrained, but as a rule, as soon as they noticed his prosthetic limb, their passion cooled noticeably and that was the end of their relationship.

After several similar incidents, acting on the advice of an elderly friend, our man told his newest conquest of his supposed bashfulness. At his request, they undressed in total darkness; the man put his prosthetic limb in the corner and when both were in bed, told her:

“Darling, I have a problem!”

He took her hand gently and placed it on his stump. There was a sharp intake of breath and then the girl said softly:

“Maybe, if we would use some petroleum jelly, we could manage somehow.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes IRRESISTIBLE URGE

The veteran employee of the pickle factory came home with a sad face.

“I am sorry” - he said to his wife, - “but I have lost my job.”

“How come, dear?” - she asked. “You told me that your boss is quite satisfied with you.”

“To tell you the honest truth, for the last few days I felt a terrible urge to stick my penis into the pickle-slicer and today I finally did it. So they fired me.”

“Oh my God,” - cried his anxious spouse, - “and what happened to your poor penis.”

“As far as I can see nothing.”

“But what about the pickle-slicer?”

“Oh, she was fired too.”

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Category: Mother-in-Law SELLER'S MARKET

One of Green’s horses kicked his mother-in-law and the old lady died of her injuries. Many people came to her funeral, even from the surrounding villages.

“What a crowd!” - wondered Green’s friend, - “was your mother-in-law so well loved?”

“Hell, no, they just want to buy the horse.”

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Category: Mothers BAD CONNECTION

As part of her studies at the University, Rachel made a study-trip to Africa.

Upon arrival, she called her mother in Brooklyn to tell her that she had arrived safely and everything was fine.

The lines were bad, but she managed to get through, had her say and in exchange got some motherly advice, which ended with something like:

“.... and get yourself a nice ..itch... doctor!”

Rachel was an obedient girl and whenever possible followed her mother’s advice. Following a month’s stay, her airplane landed at Kennedy airport. Accompanying the girl down the gangway right on her heels, was a 6 ft tall black man, wearing a grass shirt, with a tiger pelt over his shoulders, his scarred face painted white, a bone in his nose and a big spear in his hand. The aghast mother took her daughter aside and whispered:

“Rachel, my dear, who is this scarecrow?”

“This is my husband, the witch doctor you told me to get.”

“What I told you was to get a rich doctor!”

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Category: Modern Fables ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE PEACE

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when suddenly she saw the big bad wolf, hiding behind the trees.

“Wolf, wolf,” - she asked, - “why are your eyes so big?”

“Leave me in peace,” - shouted the wolf - “can’t you see that I'm trying to have a shit.”

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Category: Misers POPULATION CONTROL

On his birthday, the scrooge decided to go to a restaurant. The check for the plentiful meal he consumed totaled $49.70, for which he paid with a $50 bill. The busy waitress thanked him, put the money into the cash register and continued with her other duties. A little later, when she looked towards the man’s table, she saw that he was still sitting there. She went over to him and asked:

“Is there anything else you wish, Sir?”

“I am waiting for my change,” - replied the scrooge.

The waitress returned to the cash register and after a while brought a saucer with 30 cents and a small package. The scrooge put the change into his purse, opened the package and found that it contains a package of condoms.

“What is that for?” - asked the astonished man.

“I suggest that you use it,” - answered the angry waitress, - “types like you should not multiply.”

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Category: Marital Bliss AT THE BOOKSHOP “Do you have the book “Household Chores for the Husband?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t stock fairy tales.”

FAIR PLAY

“Daddy, why is it that the bride and the groom kiss each other after their wedding ceremony?”

“It is like boxers who shake hands before the start of a fight.”

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Category: Marital Bliss EASY WORK, GOOD PAY

It was a quiet evening at the Jones’s. The wife was doing her needlework, the husband reading his newspaper, when suddenly Jones spoke up:

“It says here in the paper that there are not enough males in Sweden and some ladies pay men $100 just for spending one night with them. Maybe I should emigrate there.”

“Yes, maybe you should,” – said Mrs. Jones, never dropping an eye, – “but could you survive on $100 a month?”

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Category: Marital Bliss UNREASONABLE DEMAND

“I heard that you and your wife quarreled, what happened?”

“We could not agree about our summer holidays.”

“How come?”

“I decided to go to the Canary Islands and she insisted on coming with me.”

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Category: Marital Bliss WAITING FOR THE BUS The cupboard door at the Smith’s house had a maddening habit of opening by itself. Mrs. Smith had it repaired twice, but it kept opening. One day she noticed that it opened only when the No. 5 bus passed before their house. When she told the carpenter of her observation, he looked skeptical: “Lady, I do not doubt your words,” – he said, – “but I want to see this occurrence with my own eyes.” He stepped into the cupboard, closed the door behind him and waited for the bus to pass. Just then, Mr. Smith returned from work and before his wife could utter a word, went to the cupboard to hang his coat. He opened the door and to his surprise found a stranger inside. “What are you doing here?” – exclaimed the husband. “If I told you that I’m waiting for the No. 5 Bus, would you believe me?”

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