Category: Afterlife EVERY ROSE HAS A THORN

A guy died and woke up to find he is in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in line waiting to talk to the admittance demon. He thought to himself:

“I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this.”

Looking up, he saw it was his turn to be processed. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the demon.

Demon: “Why so glum, chum?”

Guy: “Well, what do you expect? I'm in Hell.”

Demon: “Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun. You a drinkin’ man?”

Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”

Demon: “Well, you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. And you don't have to worry about your liver, because you're already dead! You'll love Mondays. You a smoker?”

Guy: “You better believe it.”

Demon: “All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke your friggin' lungs out without worrying about cancer, because you're already dead. You're going to love Tuesdays. How about drugs? You like to do any drugs?”

Guy: “In my younger days I experimented a little, but I never inhaled.”

Demon: “Well, you can experiment with anything you want on Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can take, snort, drop, or shoot any kind of drug, smoke a doobie the size of a submarine and if you overdose, it’s okay … you're already dead. You're gonna love Wednesdays. I bet you like to gamble.”

Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

Demon: “Well, Thursdays are for you! We gamble all day and night – black jack, craps, slots, horse races, you name it! You're gonna love Thursdays.”

Guy: “Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!”

Demon: “You gay?”

Guy: “Uh, no.”

Demon: (wincing): “Ooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...”

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Category: Accountants SLEEP DISORDER

An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That's the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

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Category: Women's Lib FAIR CHANCE

The young woman was holding on to her strap on the bus when from behind she suddenly felt a man’s body clinging to hers quite closely. The bus was crowded, but not that crowded. She turned around and asked:

“Tell me, do you want to screw me?”

“No,” – replied her startled fellow passenger, – “I have no such intention.”

“Then please move away and give somebody else a chance.”

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Category: Those Professionals SCIENTIFIC CONCLUSION

An economist, physicist and a mathematician traveled together abroad. Their train was just crossing the Swiss border, when they saw a black sheep in a field. The economist remarked:

“It seems that sheep in Switzerland are black!”

The physicist corrected him:

“This is a mistaken conclusion. We can merely state that there is at least one black sheep in Switzerland.”

Retorted the mathematician:

“Even that is not certain. We can only state that at least one sheep in Switzerland is black on one of its sides.”

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Category: The Establishment THE CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at an outer Brisbane farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer:

“I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.”

The old farmer said:

“OK, but don't go in that field over there.”

The water representative said:

“Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...........

“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

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Category: The Absent-Minded Professor TRE UMBRELLA

The absent-minded professor checked out of his hotel. A few hours later when it started raining, he noticed that he had left his umbrella in his hotel room. He went back to the hotel, but the reception-clerk told him that a young couple on their honeymoon occupied the room.

“They checked in not long ago, so I suggest you go up there, knock on their door and ask them if they have found an umbrella.”

The professor took the elevator upstairs. When he reached his old room and was about to knock on the door, he heard voices from the inside:

“Who do these soft hands belong to?” - said a man’s voice.

“To you, my darling,” - answered a female voice.

“Whom do these sweet lips belong to?”

“To you, sweetheart.”

“Whom do these beautiful breasts belong to?”

“To you, honey.”

Here the professor’s patience ran out and he shouted through the keyhole:

“Excuse me, but when you get to the umbrella, please remember, it belongs to me!”

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Category: Computers CONSPICOUS LANDMARK

Lest I be accused of being biased towards the giant corporation mentioned in the following story, I heard it from a high-ranking officer of that same corporation at a public presentation introducing its new line of products:

A passenger airplane found itself in a heavy storm. Strong winds buffeted the plane, a tremendous bolt of lightning knocked out the electrical system, the instrument panel became dark and the pilot lost his bearings completely. The frightened passengers were convinced that these were their last minutes. The pilot descended below the clouds and tried to find a landmark to orient himself. Suddenly a tall building appeared with a man on its roof. The pilot opened the cockpit-window and picking up a megaphone, shouted:

“Excuse me Sir, where am I?”

“You are in an airplane,” - came the ready answer.

The pilot executed an 80° turn and landed the airplane at Seattle airport. The grateful passengers hugged the captain and thanked him for saving their lives. They just wanted to know how he had managed to perform this remarkable feat.

“It is really very simple,” - said the pilot. “As soon as I heard the man giving me some completely useless information, I realized we were at the ‘Microsoft’ building in Seattle. I knew the airport lies 80° off that building, so I circled around and landed.”

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Category: Tax Matters A TAXING QUESTION

A woman walked into the local IRS office and declared loudly:

“I came in to settle our coitus tax.”

The receptionist was a quite embarrassed, but said:

“I am sorry Madam, but we have no intercourse taxes that I know of.”

“So why did my husband tell me this morning to go and pay the fucking taxes?”

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Category: Straight From The Hip DON'T MIND ME

At an impromptu domestic concert the housewife played the piano. After performing several pieces, she went over to one of the guests:

“I heard that you like music.”

“Yes, I do, but go on playing anyway.”

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Category: Sporting World IT'S GREAT TO BE IN SPORTS

Two men were chatting in the pub.

“Why is your face so gloomy?” - asked one.

“I am fed up with my job” - answered his companion.

“What is it that you do for a living?”

“I am responsible for the washrooms at the Sports Hall.”

“Is the salary so bad?”

“It is not the money, it is the people. Every evening I clean the damn place, until it is spick-and-span, put in clean towels, fresh toilet paper and every morning it looks like a pigsty. No consideration at all!”

“And how long have you been doing this job?”

“30 years.”

“Then why don’t you just quit it?”

“What! And abandon the glamour of the sports-world?”

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Category: Simpletons (DON'T) CHERCHEZ LA FEMME

Two construction workers shared a shady corner during their lunch-break. One of them opened his lunch pail, checked the top sandwich and uttered with disgust:

“Damn, peanut butter again!”

Chucking the offensive food into the nearby wastebasket, he opened his second sandwich, found that it contained tuna and started munching away contentedly. His mate watched with amazement. When his lunch companion threw away his second peanut-butter sandwich, he could no longer restrain himself and burst out:

“Tell me, how long have you been married?”

“20 years,” - answered his finicky colleague.

“And after so many years,” - continued his lunch companion - “your wife still doesn’t know that you hate peanut butter?”

“Leave my wife out of it! I prepared those sandwiches myself.”

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Category: Simpletons THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING

While her husband was at work, the policeman’s wife was entertaining three men simultaneously. Unexpectedly, she heard his car in the driveway. At a loss as what to do at such short notice, she hid the men in some sacks in the kitchen. As her husband went to the fridge to get some cold beer, he noticed the sacks. He kicked the first one:

“Meow,” - a plaintive mewing was heard from the sack.

“Hmmm, my wife probably bought a cat.”

He kicked the second sack.

“Woof-woof,” - a gruff barking was heard from the sack.

“Oh, I see that she also bought a dog.”

The policeman kicked the third sack. Nothing. He kicked it again. Still nothing. As he kicked it for the third time, the man in the sack shouted desperately:

“Potatoes, you moron, potatoes!”

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Category: Salesmen EXCELLENT SALESMANSHIP

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the country - you could get anything there. The boss asked him:

“Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes, I was a salesman in my hometown,” - said the lad.

The boss liked him and said:

“You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked:

“How many sales did you make today?”

“One,” - said the young salesman.

“Only one?” - blurted the boss, - “most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars,” - said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” - asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” - said the salesman - “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment:

“You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” - answered the salesman. “Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Sounds like the weekend is a loss, so you may as well go fishing.’”

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Category: Political Jokes DARING GUYS

Ivan and Joe were having a beer in the pub. Said Joe:

“Ours is a wonderful country, Ivan. It is so democratic, that once I spit on the President’s car and nothing happened to me.”

“That’s nothing! I once took a shit in Red Square.”

After a few more beers Joe spoke up again:

“I must confess, that when I spit on the President’s car, it was empty.”

“Then I must confess also, that when I took a shit in Red Square I didn’t take off my pants.”

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Category: Pranks MARY AND FRED

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to mum and dad for the night. In the morning, little Johnny got up and had his breakfast. As he was going out of the door to go to school, he asked his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replied:

"No".

Johnny asked:

"Do you know what I think?"

His mum replied:

"Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny came home for lunch and asked his mum:

"Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replied:

"No".

Johnny said:

"Do you know what I think?" His mum replied:

"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he came home and asked:

"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum said:

"No."

Johnny asked:

"Do you know what I think?"

His mum replied:

"OK! What do you think?"

He said:

"Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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Category: Political Jokes - in former USSR SMALL DISADVANTAGE

The post of the Chief Rabbi at the Great Moscow Synagogue became vacant. The ruling Communist Party always maintained that there is freedom of religion in the USSR and the synagogue in the capital was a showcase to prove it. Therefore, the chief rabbi had to be a reliable person. Brezhnev ordered the KGB Chief to find for the job a man who was both a good Communist and well-versed in Jewish theology. After a few days the Chief reported that he had found someone, who is a loyal Communist Party member, however Jewish religious knowledge is not one of his strong points. Brezhnev rejected the candidate and repeated that someone with both qualifications must be found. Another week had passed and the KGB Chief came up with another contestant:

“He is well qualified in Jewish religious matters, however he is not a very good Communist.”

This candidate too was not accepted and Brezhnev charged the KGB man to go on looking for someone equally strong in both categories. Not long afterwards, the Chief informed his boss that at last he has located someone who is both a long-standing and faithful member of the Party and a real expert on anything that is Jewish.

“He has a handicap though” - remarked the KGB functionary.

“And what is that?” - demanded Brezhnev.

“He is Jewish!”

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Category: Parenting IRONCLAD

Like all doting parents the Smiths were worried sick about their daughter’s first date. They instructed her to be at home at exactly 11 p.m. and as an added measure, they made her wear panties made of tin foil. When the girl didn’t show up at the specified hour, her apprehensive folks went searching for her. After checking all the obvious places, nearby cafés, park benches, dark doorways, they finally reached a kiosk at the edge of a small wooded area and asked the owner if he has seen a young girl and boy.

“This is the hour of lovers and many youngsters pass by,” - answered the proprietor. “Can you give me a more precise description?”

“The young man looks like a hooligan,” - answered the parents - “whereas the girl has long blonde hair and an innocent-looking face.”

“I saw several couples fitting this description. Does she have any distinctive markings?”

“She does indeed. A metallic sound is heard, when she walks.”

“Now that you mention it, a while ago a pair of young people were here. They seemed to be in an awful hurry and asked for a tin-opener.”

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Category: Out of Africa THIRD WORLD ENCOUNTER

A boy and his father, visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father:

“What is this, Father?”

The father responded:

“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and out stepped a voluptuous 24-year old woman. The father said to his son:

“Go get your mother.”

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Category: On the Farm TRIBAL CUSTOM

An anthropologist arrived at an out-of-the-way tribe in Africa and was astonished to discover that solely men inhabited the village.

“Where are your wives?” - asked the researcher. “Do you live without women?”

“Not at all,”- answered one of the tribesmen, - “but as required by tradition, every six months our females take the cattle to the mountain pastures and return to the village only after another six months.”

“A very interesting habit,”- remarked the anthropologist politely, - “but tell me, how do you manage without female companionship so long?”

“We keep some sheep in a pen nearby and if somebody feels the urge, they always can accommodate him.”

The research at the tribe took longer than expected and after a few months without a female around, the anthropologist became restless. One evening, when it seemed that nobody was nearby, he sneaked into the pen and started copulating with one of the sheep. Suddenly he heard stifled laughter behind him. When he turned around, he saw that most of the tribes’ members were standing on the sidelines watching his performance and openly snickering.

“What is the matter?” - asked the embarrassed scientist. “Didn’t not you tell me, that when your wives are away you do it with the sheep?”

“Of course we do,” - answered one of the tribesmen, - “what we don’t understand is why you chose the ugliest ewe.”

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Category: On the Farm RANDY

This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wanted chicks. So, he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer said:

“Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy. The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk first.

“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun.”

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nailed every hen in the hen house three, or four times, and the farmer was really shocked. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy was in there. Later, the farmer saw Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He got all the geese.

By sunset he saw Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer went to bed and waked up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said:

“Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”

Randy opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and said:

“Shhh, they're getting closer!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

THE RABBI'S ADVICE

An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard and made the following suggestion:

"Hire a good looking, strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife to fantasize and should bring the desired pleasure."

They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. It didn't help and she remained unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi.

"Okay", – said the rabbi to the husband, – "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly:

"You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations BROTHEL VISIT

An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam that he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looked at the man and asked how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," - he said

"Ninety!" - commented the madam. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," - said the old man, - "how much do I owe you?"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations CURE ALL

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," - he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" - pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," - she replied, - "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Category: Naughty Jokes SMALL CHANGE

In a pouring rain a taxicab was parked at a deserted street corner when the door opened suddenly and a totally naked woman plunked her wet body down onto the rear seat. She stated her destination, but the cabby just sat there staring at her dumbly in his rearview mirror.

“What's matter?” - asked the woman. “Why don't you start?”

“I was asking myself how you are going to pay the fare?”

In reply, the woman just spread her legs suggestively. The driver asked:

“Got any smaller bills?”

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