Category: On the Farm

RANDY

This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wanted chicks. So, he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer said:

“Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy. The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk first.

“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun.”

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot.  - WHAM!  - Randy nailed every hen in the hen house three, or four times, and the farmer was really shocked. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy was in there. Later, the farmer saw Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM!  He got all the geese.

By sunset he saw Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer went to bed and waked up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said:

“Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”

Randy opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and said:

“Shhh, they're getting closer!” 

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Category: Airlines

OUTSTANDING SERVICE

On a Singapore Airlines flight, an unaccompanied minor was entrusted to the care of a young stewardess. She gave him some puzzles to work out and went to see about the rest of her duties. Somewhere above the ocean, the boy told the stewardess that he had to go to the bathroom urgently. The girl took him to the toilet, showed him the facilities and left him to his own devices. Soon enough the child finished his business, but instead of returning to his seat, wandered off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, unnoticed by the flight attendant, another passenger entered the same toilet. When 5-6 minutes passed and the caring stewardess did not see the boy come out of the restroom, she went over to the toilet door, knocked on it and in a soft voice asked:

“Do you need any help with your zipper dear?”

From inside a startled voice was heard:

“Good Grief! Singapore Airlines really does provide outstanding service.”   

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Category: Marital Bliss

SAME SERVICE

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said:

“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all-different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

“Why complain?” – said the counselor. “You're still getting the same service!”

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Category: On the Farm RANDY

This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wanted chicks. So, he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer said:

“Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy. The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk first.

“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun.”

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nailed every hen in the hen house three, or four times, and the farmer was really shocked. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy was in there. Later, the farmer saw Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He got all the geese.

By sunset he saw Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer went to bed and waked up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said:

“Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”

Randy opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and said:

“Shhh, they're getting closer!”

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Category: Business is Business CUSTOMER SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the bank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

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