Category: Marital Bliss

IT IS ENTIRELY YOUR CHOICE

During a European tour, an American couple came to a Swiss holiday resort and asked if there were any vacancies. Upon receiving an affirmative answer, the husband wanted to know the price of a room.

“$100 a day,” - replied the clerk at the reception.

The room was spacious and well furnished, the food excellent, the service courteous, the countryside beautiful, so the couple stayed for a week. On the last evening, the husband went down to the reception desk and requested the bill. To his astonishment it came to $1,400. He asked to see the manager:

“I was told that the price would be $100 per day and we stayed for 7 days only,” - he complained

“Yes, but we charge $100 a week for the use of our well-appointed tennis courts,” - replied the manager.

“But it’s the middle of winter, the snow is a meter high and the temperature outside is minus 25°.”

“The management regrets that you found the weather too cold. It is entirely our distinguished guests’ choice, whether they use our facilities, or not. They are there at their disposal,”- continued the manager. “Further, we billed you 100 additional dollars for the use of our Olympic-size swimming pool

“Are you crazy? It is an outdoor pool and it is frozen solid” - protested the tourist.

“Frozen or not, it was there for you to use. Then there is $100 charge per person for a ski-pass”.

Needless to say, it was in vain that the guest pointed out that neither he, nor his wife could ski. The manager summed up:

“And then there is $100 each, for our bobsled course, for the extensive bicycle paths and the well-equipped nursery, which takes care of your offspring, while you enjoy our luxurious facilities. That comes to $1,400 exactly, without service charge.”

The tourist thought for a minute and then wrote out a check. Now it was the manager’s turn to act surprised:

“But this check is for $700 only,” - he stated the obvious.

“Yes, but I charged you $100 a day for fucking my wife.”

“What! That ugly, fat, disgusting old hag?”

“I’m sorry that you did not like my wife, but it was entirely your own choice whether you made use of her services, or not. She was there at your disposal.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

FITS THE BILL

Waiter: “What can I get you sir?”

Guest: “Anything that’s big, cold and has a lot of gin in it.”

Waiter: “Then let me introduce you to my wife.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

A PLAUSIBLE STORY

A well-dressed lady, shopping bag in hand, came into an exclusive fashion store on Fifth Avenue. She looked over the dresses, tried on a few blouses and walked out again. At the door, the security-officer asked to see the contents of her bag. Upon finding an expensive blouse in the bag, he asked her to follow him to the office.

When accused by the manager of stealing the blouse, the woman indignantly told him that she bought the blouse at a small shop that very morning and came to the store just to compare prices. Unfortunately, she lost her receipt and could not remember the name of the shop. The manager did not relent - even when the woman disclosed, that she is the wife of a prominent lawyer and threatened that if they did not drop this ridiculous accusation, her husband would file suit against the store. At the last minute, just as the manager reached for the phone to call the police, the woman remembered the name of the shop.

They phoned the shop and luckily enough, the manager remembered that particular purchase and thus the accused woman was given a clean slate. Both the store manager and security-officer apologized profusely and in compensation for the embarrassment, offered the lady a free blouse of her choice. But now it was the woman’s turn to become obstinate. Furious, she proclaimed that unless given a mink coat, her husband would sue the store manager down to his last penny. Faced with that threat, they gave in to her demand.

That was the explanation the woman gave when her husband asked where she got a mink-coat.

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Category: Marital Bliss

AT THE BOOKSHOP

“Do you have the book “Household Chores for the Husband?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t stock fairy tales.”

PREPOSTEROUS SUGGESTION

A husband and wife were strolling in the park and saw a young man passionately kissing his girlfriend.

“Tell me Pa,” - asked the wife - “how about doing that too?”

“You must be joking! I don’t even know the girl.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HOMESICK

An American tourist came to a house of ill repute in Paris, put $100 on the table and asked for the oldest, fattest, most ugly and most disgusting woman they have. The Madam was nonplused:

“For $100 Sir, you could have the youngest, prettiest, best looking girl.”

“Madam, you don’t understand,” – explained the American. “It is not as if I was horny. I am just homesick.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

QUALITY WILL COST YOU

An American couple decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in Paris. They arrived in the early afternoon, checked in at the Hilton and while the wife unpacked their suitcases, washed her hair and did a few more chores, the husband took a stroll in Montmartre. It was a hot day, the flight was tiring and soon he felt that he needed a drink. While having a glass of wine at a bistro, he fell to talking to a charming Parisienne. He liked her a lot, she seemed to like him too and the only matter they could not agree on was the price. She asked for 500 francs, he offered 100 francs. No deal was struck and they parted with mutual regret.

In the evening the couple went out for dinner at an expensive restaurant on the Champs Elysées. Suddenly, who does the husband see at one of the tables? His charming conversationalist from the afternoon stroll. She saw him too, gave the wife a cursory look and when the couple passed her table, whispered to the husband:

“You see what you get for 100 francs.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

SLOW ON THE UPTAKE

The promiscuous wife was in bed with her paramour, when they heard the key turn in the entrance door. In complete panic, the man jumped out of bed and escaped to the balcony. Soon the husband came in and upon finding his wife in bed, asked her, if she was unwell. She was about to say that she was merely feeling lazy, but before she could speak, her husband stepped out to the balcony and to his surprise, encountered a bare-assed stranger there.

It was her lover who saved the day. He told the husband that he had spent the afternoon with the wife of their neighbor one floor up and when her husband arrived home unexpectedly, was forced to find safety on their balcony. It is marvelous how the solidarity of males is aroused in these situations. The husband smiled understandingly, lent the shivering guy some clothes and even invited him in for a drink. In the evening, as the couple had their dinner, the husband was uncommonly quiet. Suddenly, he got up, went around the table to his spouse, and slapped her face:

“What was that for?” - she gasped.

“I just remembered that we live on the top floor.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO

It was pitch dark when a man was flagged down by a female hitchhiker. All he could see was her long, loose hair and her provocatively half-open blouse. He took her on board and at the next curve “inadvertently” leaned against her. She did not draw away, so he stopped the car at a conveniently secluded place, kissed her, received a fervent response and soon they were both merrily engaged in making, what euphemistically is called “love.” All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window and a flashlight shone through the car window. The cop could hardly contain himself:

“Don’t you know there is a law against engaging in immoral acts in public places!”

“But Officer,” - protested the man, - “this is my wife who is with me in the car.”

“I am sorry,” - answered the policeman, - “I did not know this was your wife.”

“Neither did I, until you switched on your flashlight.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

TRUTH IS GOLDEN

A red Mercedes cruised by just as a man came out of his office. With a screech of the brakes, the car came to a stop and a smashing blonde leaned out of the window and asked provocatively:

“Hurrying home to the little wife? Why not have a cup of coffee with me?”

It was a tiring day and the man felt that having a coffee with the blonde dreamboat, would noticeably raise his spirits, so he hopped into the car and off they went.

Over coffee, the two had a long talk, until the girl suddenly asked:

“Wouldn’t we be more comfy, if we continued our little chat at my place?”

Indeed, they went to her apartment, had a drink, or two, or three and all of a sudden they were in bed together. Much-much later, the man looked at his watch and exclaimed:

“My God! It is 4 o’clock in the morning. I must rush. My wife is probably going mad with worry.”

“What are you going to tell her?” - asked his bed partner.

“Oh, I don’t know,” - the man scratched his head, - “maybe you have a piece of chalk?”

“Of course I do. After all, I am a teacher.”

The man took the chalk, made some marks on his face and forehead and left. At home, he was confronted by his wife who demanded to know where he had been.

“To tell you the complete, unvarnished truth,” - replied her husband - “just as I left the office, a blonde knockout in a foreign-looking car invited me for a coffee. From the coffee shop we continued to her apartment, had a few drinks and somehow found ourselves between the sheets.”

His wife looked at her spouse quizzically and suddenly burst out laughing:

“Come on, the chalk marks on your face give you away. I can see that you just came from the pool-room!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

CONNUBIAL STILL LIFE

A businessman and his secretary arrived in London for a convention. As it happens, their reservation was somehow misplaced and they were offered to share the only available room. Take it, or leave it. They took it.

At night when the doctor was already half asleep, he heard his secretary’s voice:

“It is quite chilly, isn’t it? Could you please close the window for me?”

“How would you like to pretend tonight that you are my wife?” - asked the weary doctor.

“Nothing would please me more,” - answered the secretary enthusiastically.

“Fine, then get up and shut the bloody window yourself.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

A REAL TRAGEDY

Two rather drunken men sat at a bar. One of them said:

“Have you heard about the terrible tragedy that happened to Smith?”

“No, I haven’t. What happened to the poor guy?”

“He eloped with my wife.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

UNREASONABLE DEMAND

“I heard that you and your wife quarreled, what happened?”

“We could not agree about our summer holidays.”

“How come?”

“I decided to go to the Canary Islands and she insisted on coming with me.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

CLASSICAL STORY

Every day, an exhausted Dr. Fraud would arrive home wanting to relax for a while with a quiet piece of music. But a loud blast of offensive pop music from the neighboring apartment would completely drown out the delicate strains of the classical piece. One day he had had enough. He knocked on his neighbor’s door and asked:

“Do you know who Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is?”

“No I don’t” - answered the surprised man.

“And have you heard of Ludwig van Beethoven?”

Again the man professed his ignorance, but the other one hammered away relentlessly:

“Does the name Felix Bartholdy Mendelsohn mean anything to you?”

“Who are these people?” - asked the neighbor. “Should I know them?”

“Of course you should, you ignoramus. These are people who wrote music, real music and not this caterwauling you make us all listen to.”

The neighbor thought for a while and then he too posed a question:

“Do you know Tom Noggin?”

It was the turn of Dr. Fraud to act surprised:

“Who might he be? Should I know him?”

“Of course you should. He is the man who comes to your house and screws your wife every Wednesday evening when you go to your concerts.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

One office-worker to another:

“Yesterday was our 5th wedding anniversary and I gave my wife an airline ticket to Australia.”

“Really,” – wondered his colleague, – “isn’t that a little extravagant? What gift will you give her for your 25th Anniversary?”

“A return ticket.”

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Category: Marital Bliss THE SECRET

“What is the secret of a good marriage?”

“My wife and I agreed that we’ll dine twice weekly at some quiet little place. Candlelight, soft music, a few turns on the dance-floor… She is goes every Wednesday, I go every Friday.”

FAIR PLAY

“Daddy, why is it that the bride and the groom kiss each other after their wedding ceremony?”

“It is like boxers who shake hands before the start of a fight.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

EASY WORK, GOOD PAY

It was a quiet evening at the Jones’s. The wife was doing her needlework, the husband reading his newspaper, when suddenly Jones spoke up:

“It says here in the paper that there are not enough males in Sweden and some ladies pay men $100 just for spending one night with them. Maybe I should emigrate there.”

“Yes, maybe you should,” – said Mrs. Jones, never dropping an eye, – “but could you survive on $100 a month?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

WAITING FOR THE BUS

The cupboard door at the Smith’s house had a maddening habit of opening by itself. Mrs. Smith had it repaired twice, but it kept opening. One day she noticed that it opened only when the No. 5 bus passed before their house. When she told the carpenter of her observation, he looked skeptical:

“Lady, I do not doubt your words,” – he said, – “but I want to see this occurrence with my own eyes.”

He stepped into the cupboard, closed the door behind him and waited for the bus to pass. Just then, Mr. Smith returned from work and before his wife could utter a word, went to the cupboard to hang his coat. He opened the door and to his surprise found a stranger inside.

“What are you doing here?” – exclaimed the husband.

“If I told you that I’m waiting for the No. 5 Bus, would you believe me?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

UNBEARABLE LOSS

After placing some flowers on his mother’s grave the man started walking back to the cemetery gate, where he has left his car. On the way, he noticed a man kneeling before one of the graves, praying with devotion:

“Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?”

Our man went over to the mourner and addressed him:

“Sir, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I must tell you that I’ve never seen such immense pain as you exhibited in your prayers. Whom are you mourning so deeply? A child? Your parents? May I respectfully inquire who is it who is buried here?”

The mourner raised his tear-speckled face and in a broken voice answered:

“My wife’s first husband. Oh, why did he have to die, why, why?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

A DIFFRENT TYPE OF ACCIDENT

An injured man was brought to the hospital emergency ward. The nurse entering his personal data into the computer asked:

“Are you married?”

“Yes, but it was a car that hit me.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

BRANDED FOR LIFE

A couple celebrated their 10th anniversary. The husband had a request from his wife:

“You know, we have been married now for 10 years, but you never have satisfied me orally.”

“Stop right there!” – exclaimed the wife. “I would never do such a disgusting thing.”

15 years passed. At their silver anniversary the husband came up with his wish again and once more was firmly rebuffed.

25 years passed. At the couple’s golden anniversary, the husband, rather timidly, mentioned his request again. This time the wife thought about it and decided, that after all they had been married for 50 years and she could try it once. So she knelt down before her husband, opened his fly and took his member into her mouth. At that moment the phone rang. The husband answered it and then passed the receiver to his wife:

“It is you they want, you fellating slut!”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

OCCUPATIONAL FATIGUE

“Doctor, I’m tired all the time.”

“How many times do you have intercourse with your wife?”

“Three times, sometimes even four times.”

“Weekly?”

“No, daily.”

“Do you have a girl friend?”

“Of course, doctor.”

“And how many times do you make out with her?”

“Six-seven times.”

“Weekly?”

“No, daily.”

“Then sir, it is due to your exaggerated sexual life that you are exhausted.”

“Thank God, I was afraid that it was because of me masturbating”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

TYPE CASTING

The plane was just over the Rockies when the dramatic announcement came over the public address system:

“I regret to inform you, but we have lost control over the aircraft and are going to crash.”

Pandemonium broke out among the passengers. A young woman tore off her clothing and shrieked:

“Let some man make me feel that I’m a woman for the last time.”

At that a man tore off his shirt and threw it at the woman:

“Here, iron it!”

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Category: Loonies

SILLY QUESTION

An inmate of the hospital for the mentally ill sat at a table and wrote.

“What are you writing?” – asked a passing attendant.

“A letter.”

“To whom?”

“To myself.”

“And what is in the letter?”

“How am I to know if I haven’t received it yet.”

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Category: Lawyers

SALES PITCH

A lawyer’s wife died. At the cemetery, people were appalled to see that the tombstone read:

“Here lies Phyllis, wife of Will T. Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”

Suddenly, Murray burst into tears. A friend said:

“You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”

Through his tears, Murray croaked:

“You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”

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Category: Indians

THE GIRL AND THE INDIAN

The shapely city girl was driving in the desert when the car ran out of fuel. Luckily an Indian just rode by and he offered to give her a ride on his mount to the nearest gas station. Every few minutes the Indian let out a tremendous hoo. When they reached their destination, the girl dismounted and the Indian, after letting out another tremendous yoo-hoo, rode away.

“My God!” - said the gas station attendant. “What did you do to that Indian that he shouted so mightily?”

“Nothing that I know of,” - answered the girl. “With one hand I embraced his waist and with the other held on to his saddle’s horn.”

“My dear lady, Indians don’t use saddles.”

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