Category: From the Mouths of Babes

WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asked her Mom:

“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replied:

“No, because she is in heat.”

 “What's that mean?” - asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.”

The little girl went to the garage and asked:

“Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said:

“Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said:

“OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

 The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked:

“Where's Belle?”

The little girl answered:

“She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”

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Category: Blondes

BLIND

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned:

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

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Category: Salesmen

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Said the salesman to his boss:

“I’m happy to report that I managed to sell that expensive suit we had in stock for ages..”

“You don’t say! That blue-pink double-breasted hideous outfit?

“Yeah, that’s the one.”  

“Well done. I was afraid that we’d be stuck forever with that monstrosity. But what happened to your hand?”

“The customer seemed quite happy, but his seeing-eye dog almost killed me.”

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Category: C'est la Vie

BRIEF ONES

¬ If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.

¬ If you think there's good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.

¬ It doesn't matter whether you win or lose - until you lose.

 ¬ Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

 ¬ The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 ¬ If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

¬ The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

¬ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

¬ Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

¬ Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

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Category: Animal World

I DID NOT MEAN YOU

A drunkard took his dog for a walk. A passerby asked:
“What are you doing with that pig?”
“It is not a pig,” - said the lush, - “it’s a dog.”
“I wasn’t speaking to you, I was addressing your dog.”

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Category: Animal World

CLEVER CREATURE

A dog came into the butcher’s. He put down the basket, which he carried in his mouth and gave a shopping list to the butcher. When the butcher put all items on the list into the basket, the dog paid for his shopping, picked up the basket, opened the door and started for home. The butcher was so astonished that he followed him. He saw that the dog stopped at a red light, pressed the button and waited patiently until the light became green. On the other side of the street, the canine went to the bus stop and read carefully the timetable. A bus came but the dog looked at its number and let it pass. When his bus arrived, he got on it. He paid for his ticket and after a few stops got on his hind legs and rang for the driver to stop.
The dog got off the bus and went along the street, followed by the butcher, until they reached a certain house. The dog put the basket on the steps and hit the door hard with his head. He waited for a while and then repeated his action several times, until a man looked out of one of the windows and opened the door for him.
The butcher could not resist the temptation to turn to the dog’s owner and enthuse:
“I hope that you don’t mind, but I followed your dog here from my shop and I must tell you, that I never saw such a clever animal in my life.”
Replied the dog’s owner scornfully:
“Clever? The hell he is! This is the second time in a row this week that he has forgotten his house key.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BERIBBONED

A couple had a dog that snored. When the woman complained to the vet, he advised her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

“Yeah right!” – she said.

That night, the husband was out late with his buddies. A few minutes after the wife went to bed, the dog began snoring as usual. The woman tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she went to the closet, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring. The woman was amazed!

The husband came home late, more than a little tipsy, climbed immediately into bed, fell asleep and began snoring loudly. His wife, again unable to sleep, thought that maybe the ribbon would do the trick on him too. So she went to the closet once again, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also worked on him! At last she could sleep soundly.

The husband awakened from his drunken stupor and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He felt very confused and as he walked back into the bedroom, he saw red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shook his head, looked at the dog and said:

“I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we got first and second places.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

SAME SERVICE

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said:

“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all-different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

“Why complain?” – said the counselor. “You're still getting the same service!”

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Category: Blondes

HAIR COLOR

A blonde girl got sick of being called stupid, so she did something about it. She died her hair a really dark brown. Then she thought to herself:

“Now I need someone that I can prove to that I am smart.”

So, she found a sheep farmer and asked him:

“If I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, will you give me one?”

The farmer said:

“Sure, there's no way you can guess that.”

So, the girl thought a while, then said:

“You have 356 sheep on your farm.”

“That's amazing!” – the farmer said, – “how could you possibly know that?”

“Us intelligent people just know these things.”

Then she took her sheep and started to load it in her car, when the farmer walked over to her.

“Ma'am, if I can tell you your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?”

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Category: Modern Fables

I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE

At first I thought of entering the fable that follows below, in the “POLITICAL” category, but then I thought that the personality trait ridiculed in it, namely pretending to be someone other than yourself, is typical of all walks of life, so I put it in 'Modern Fables'.

A young German shepherd dog asked the advice of an elder colleague as to the best way to get ahead in the world. The advice of the elder dog was:

“All you have to do is to feign that you are someone else. You could pretend, for example, that you are a wolf and instantly you would be feared and respected by everybody.”

“How can I pretend being a wolf?”

“It is really very simple. The only difference between dogs and wolves is that when dogs meet, they smell each other’s behinds, whereas wolves merely rub noses. You look exactly like a wolf, so stop behaving like a dog, act like a wolf and everybody will accept that you are one.”

The young dog acted on the advice of the older dog and within a short period made a meteoric career and achieved a high position within society. A few years later, at a cocktail party, he saw from afar his mentor from the old days. He was not an ungrateful type and did not try to avoid him. He went over to the old dog and affectionately rubbed noses with him. The elder one looked him over and said:

“I see that you have come up in the world, but with me you don’t have to pretend. I know who you really are, so you can go ahead without fear and smell my ass.”

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Category: At Work THE BEST ANIMAL FOR THE JOB

With the price of fuel and spare parts constantly on the rise, the big industrial company decided it would be more economical to make all deliveries within the company by horse and wagon. Ads were published in the classified sections of all large newspapers but no candidates came forward. The ads were published again and at last someone applied for the vacant post.

“But you are a dog,” - wondered the head of the Manager of Personnel.

“Of course” - answered the candidate, - “but I am strong and ready to do the job of a horse. I am even willing to neigh and eat oats. I have a big family to support and I really need the job.”

The canine applicant got the job and indeed fulfilled his task satisfactorily.

A few months later there was a big burglary on the premises and the manager of Internal Security decided that if the guards had had a good dog, the burglars would have been frightened away. Again a ‘Wanted’ ad was published and after a while a horse came and applied for the vacant position.

“I am ready to do anything a dog can do,” - said the equine candidate. “I can bark quite well, can subsist on bones and if necessary will even wag my tail”.

The horse got the job and presumably did his job well enough. At least there were no additional burglaries at the company. One day the dog and horse met by chance in the dining room.

“What are you doing here?” - asked the surprised dog.

“I work as a watch-dog,” - answered the horse. “And what is your job in our company?”

“I pull a wagon,” - said the dog.

The two employees discussed their respective positions and decided that it would be advantageous for all concerned, if they swapped jobs. The dog took it on himself to arrange the matter with the Manager of Personnel.

“I foresee no problem,” - he remarked. “Surely he will see that it is more reasonable if a dog does a dog’s job and a horse a horse’s job.”

After a while the dog slouched back with a dejected face, ears down, tail between his legs.

“What happened?” - asked the horse.

“What happened is that the job of Manager of Personnel was given to a donkey!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER

In the old Russia they used to abduct young Jewish boys and forcibly conscript them into the Army. Many of these boys were never heard of again although some managed - after a few years - to return to their families. One of the boys, who completely lost contact with his family, eventually became a general and one day, when the Army held maneuvers near his birthplace, decided to see if any of his folks were still around. There was a lot of excitement in the town. After all, it was not everyday that a Jewish boy from a small village became a general and paid a visit in town. A big dinner was held in his honor with the general seated at the head of the table, next to the rabbi. The poor man was at a loss for words with such an important person and in the end started with the subject closest to him, religion.

“Tell me, Your Excellency, in your years in the Army, did you manage to remain a Jew?”

“I tried my best,” – answered the soldier.

The rabbi pressed on:

“Did you observe the holy Sabbath?”

“How could I? The enemy does not observe the Jewish holidays and when he attacks, we too must make our move, Sabbath, or not.”

“But did you eat kosher food?”

“Sometimes I was happy to get any food at all and besides, where would I have obtained kosher food?”

The rabbi was getting desperate:

“But did you at least say your prayers regularly?”

The general was ready with his reply:

“In your opinion, how would it look for an Imperial Army officer to be seen wearing a prayer shawl and phylacteries?”

The exasperated minister was at his wit’s end:

“But Your Excellency, pray tell me, what is it, that is still Jewish in you?”

“I am still afraid of dogs,” – answered the veteran soldier

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Category: Animal World

HEAVENLY REWARD

A cat died and went to heaven and met there the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat:

“You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”

The cat thought for a moment and said:

“Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

“Say no more” - said the Lord and instantly a wonderful fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later, six mice were killed in a farming accident and went to heaven. Again, there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered:

“All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?”

The Lord said:

“Say no more” - and fitted each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke him and asked:

“How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretched luxuriously, yawned and replied:

“It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!”

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Category: Animal Stories DINNER COMPANION

A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:

“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”

He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.

“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”

“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”

“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”

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Category: Loonies DOG'S LIFE

“Where have you been?” - a man asked his friend.

“To tell you the truth, I was hospitalized in the psychiatric department.”

“What was wrong with you?”

“I had a fixed idea that I am a dog.”

“And did they cure you?”

“Oh yes. Just feel how cool my nose is.”

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