Category: Political Jokes

THE PREACHER'S SON

An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whisky

A Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door", - the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy." - the old preacher disgustedly whispered, - "he's gonna run for Congress."

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Category: Marital Bliss

TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked:

"Do you know her?"

"Yes,"- I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" - said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

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Category: Women's Lib

THE IDEAL HUSBAND

The definition of an ideal husband:

Does not smoke

Does not drink

Does not flirt

Does not exist.

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Category: Blondes

A GOOD START

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally, his curiosity got the best of him, so he walked over and asked:

"How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looked him over and replied:

"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

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Category: Ethnic Stories
NOT DEAF 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car weaved violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," - said the cop to the driver, - where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," - slurred the drunk.

"Well," said the cop, - "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," - the drunk said with a smile.

"Did you know," - said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, - "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," - sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

SUNDAY SCHOOL

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday school every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said:
"Hey, how about you and me having dinner on Tuesday?"
 "Why, yes, that would be nice," - the lady responded. The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested:
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," - said this fine example of southern womanhood. "Whatever would I tell my Sunday school class?"
 Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:
"Would you like a smoke?"
 "Oh my, goodness no," - said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday school class if I  did?"
 Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with:
"Ahhh .  mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
 "Sure, that would be nice," - she said with anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought:
"What the heck have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded:
"I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday school class?"
 The lady said:
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THE BEST OF ALL

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish guy were in a bar. They were having a good time and all agreed that the bar was a nice place. Then the Irishman said:

“Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agreed that that sounded like a nice place. Then the Italian said:
“Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”
Everyone agreed that that sounded like a great bar. Then the Polish guy said:
“You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink and then they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” - said the other two. “That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” - he replied, - “but it happened to my sister!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

CHOICE

A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. An attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails.

“Yes,” – the rabbi said. “I'd like a manhattan, please.”
“No thank you,” – the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate. “As a priest, I can't drink, or fornicate.”
“Wait a second,” – the rabbi said, standing and waving to the flight attendant. “I didn't know I had a choice.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

PLAYING IT SAFE

Two cars collided at an intersection. When the dust settled, a shaken man stepped out of each wreck. One of them was a catholic priest, the other a rabbi. Miraculously none them were more than slightly scratched. Rejoiced the rabbi:

“Brother, this was a divine act! We could have been dead now, but here we are safe and sound. This must be a sign from the Almighty that we should become friends.”

“Indeed, this must be the will of God!” - agreed the priest.

“And look, even this bottle of kosher wine is unbroken. That means we must finish it.”

“Right,” - said the priest, took a few healthy slugs from the bottle and returned it to his colleague. But the rabbi just shook his head.

“Aren’t you going to drink?”

“Maybe it would be better if I waited until the police arrive.”

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Category: Drinking Problem TALKING CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What's that big brass gong?” - one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” - the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?' - asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” - replied the drunk.

“How's it work?' - the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” - the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

“You butt-head! It's three-fifteen in the morning”.

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Category: Animal Stories DINNER COMPANION

A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:

“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”

He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.

“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”

“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”

“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”

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Category: Women's Lib THE IDEAL HUSBAND The definition of an ideal husband:

Does not smoke

Does not drink

Does not flirt

Does not exist.

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Category: Straight from the Hip PARTLY USED

A divorced man met his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he went over to the new guy and asked him:

"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"

To which the new husband replied:

"It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."

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Category: Drinking Problem A SUFFERING FELLOW A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him. “What'll ya have?” – he asked. “Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”

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