Category: Boys and Girls

THE BLAVK PANTIES

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied:

"Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked:

"Why the black panties?"

She replied:

"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked:

"What's with the black condom?"

He replied:

"I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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Category: Naughty Jokes

A VERITABLE ROMANCE

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
 a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
 approached me soundlessly, from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
 close to my ear:

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped
my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

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Category: Modern Fables

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

One day, the Seven Dwarfs were feeling kinda horny and were peeking through the window of Snow White's room. Because they were so short, one Dwarf stood on another Dwarf's shoulder and so on, forming a Dwarf Chain. Doc was at the very top, peeking through the windows. Snow White walked into the room, and started taking off her blouse.

“She's taking off her blouse!” - said Doc, to Dopey who was right below him.

“She's taking off her blouse!”

“She's taking off her blouse!”

Then she started to take off her skirt.

“She's taking off her skirt!” - said Doc.

“She's taking off her skirt!”

“She's taking off her skirt!”

Then she started to take off her bra.

“She's taking off her bra!”

“She's taking off her bra!”

“She's taking off her bra!”

Then she started taking off her panties.

“She's taking off her panties!”

“She's taking off her panties!”

“She's taking off her panties!”

All of a sudden, Doc heard a noise in the bushes.

“Somebody's coming!”

“Me too!”

“Me too!”

“Me too!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

BRIEF NOTES

¬ The gynecologist returned home after a rather tiring day. He could not find his keys and had to ring the bell. When his wife opened the door, he murmured:

“Thank God, at last a face!”

¬ A lady phoned her internist:

“Doctor, have I by any chance, left my panties at the clinic?”

Upon receiving a negative answer, she muttered to herself:

“Then I must have left them at the dentist’s!”

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Category: Simpletons

A YOUNG MAN'S STORY

 I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16, or so. 

 I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."  

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said: "Just a minute."  

And walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 

She asked: "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on", - she said. "We don't have much time."  

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately I could no longer hold back and pow I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown.  

"Did you put that condom on?"  

I said: "I sure did."  

And held up my thumb to show her.

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Category: From The Mouths of Babes

HIDEOUS DEFORMITY

The country-girl got her period for the first time. She became very frightened, as she didn’t know what caused her bleeding, so she went to the neighbor’s boy, hoping that he could help her. The boy pulled down her panties and in a state of shock exclaimed:

“Of course you are bleeding! Someone has cut off your penis.” 

  

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Category: Boys and Girls

TELEPATHIC WATCH

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a good-looking woman. After a while he started to look at his watch. The woman noticed and asked him if his date was late.
“No,” – he replied. “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was about to test it.”
“What does it do?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing a bra, or panties.”
“Ha! Well, it must be broken, because I am!”
“Darn thing must be an hour fast.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

LOVE HAS NO LIMITS

The elderly couple met at a pensioners’ social evening and immediately took a fancy to each other. He invited her for a walk in the nearby park; they rested for a while behind some bushes, one thing followed another and soon they were proving that there is no age-limit to lovemaking.
The man was the first to recover and breathing heavily remarked:
“I did not know that at your age you would still be a virgin.”
“If I would have known that you can still get it up at your age,” – replied his date, – “I would have taken off my panties.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

THE SHOES

Gorgio has been in the United States for about six months. He walked to work every day and passed a shoe store. Each day he stopped to look in the window and admired a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about two months, he saved the $300 the shoes cost and purchased them.

Each Friday night the Italian community got together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new shoes to the dance. He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced asked her:

“Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?”

Sophia (startled): “Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”

Giorgio: “I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?”

Next he asked Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he said to her:

“Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?”

Rosa: “Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?”

Giorgio: “I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?”

The evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red:

Giorgio: “Carmella, still my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tell me this is true!”

Carmella: “Yes, yes, Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight.”

Giorgio (gasping): “Thank God... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Bocceli leather shoes.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

TRUMP CARD

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton died on the same day and they both came before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there was only one space left that day, so the angel had to decide which of them could get in. The angel asked Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she took off her top and said:

“Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty the same question. The Queen dropped her skirt and panties, took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook it up and douched with it. The angel said:

“OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.

Dolly was outraged.

“What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” – said the angel, – “but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

TO EACH IN ACCORDANCE WITH HER NEEDS

For the first time in her life a countrywoman visited the big city and as she needed some underwear, her friend took her to a big department store.

“If you buy a pack of panties, you can get a better deal, Madam” - said the seller. “What kind would you prefer? A pack of seven, five, or twelve?”

“What is the best?” - whispered the woman to her friend.

“For everyday use, I would suggest a pack of seven. The undies are marked ‘Sunday’, ‘Monday’, etc.”

“And what is the purpose of the five-pack?”

“These are for French women. You know, on weekends they go without.”

“And the pack of twelve?”

“Oh, these? These are for the Poles. They are inscribed ‘January’, ‘February’, etc.”

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Category: Parenting IRONCLAD

Like all doting parents the Smiths were worried sick about their daughter’s first date. They instructed her to be at home at exactly 11 p.m. and as an added measure, they made her wear panties made of tin foil. When the girl didn’t show up at the specified hour, her apprehensive folks went searching for her. After checking all the obvious places, nearby cafés, park benches, dark doorways, they finally reached a kiosk at the edge of a small wooded area and asked the owner if he has seen a young girl and boy.

“This is the hour of lovers and many youngsters pass by,” - answered the proprietor. “Can you give me a more precise description?”

“The young man looks like a hooligan,” - answered the parents - “whereas the girl has long blonde hair and an innocent-looking face.”

“I saw several couples fitting this description. Does she have any distinctive markings?”

“She does indeed. A metallic sound is heard, when she walks.”

“Now that you mention it, a while ago a pair of young people were here. They seemed to be in an awful hurry and asked for a tin-opener.”

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Category: Boys and Girls TELEPATHIC WATCH

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a good-looking woman. After a while he started to look at his watch. The woman noticed and asked him if his date was late.

“No,” – he replied. “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was about to test it.”

“What does it do?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing a bra, or panties.”

“Ha! Well, it must be broken, because I am!”

“Darn thing must be an hour fast.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories TO EACH IN ACCORDANCE HER NEEDS

For the first time in her life a countrywoman visited the big city and as she needed some underwear, her friend took her to a big department store.

“If you buy a pack of panties, you can get a better deal, Madam” - said the seller. “What kind would you prefer? A pack of seven, five, or twelve?”

“What is the best?” - whispered the woman to her friend.

“For everyday use, I would suggest a pack of seven. The undies are marked ‘Sunday’, ‘Monday’, etc.”

“And what is the purpose of the five-pack?”

“These are for French women. You know, on weekends they go without.”

“And the pack of twelve?”

“Oh, these? These are for the Poles. They are inscribed ‘January’, ‘February’, etc.”

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Category: Afterlife YULETIDE Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St. Peter said: "It's nearing Christmas. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season." The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said: "This is supposed to be a candle." "Good enough" - said St. Peter. The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them. "What's that?" – asked St. Peter. The bachelor said: "It's Jingle Bells." St. Peter sighed heavily and said: "Fine...go ahead.” Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas...finally he pulled out a pair of panties. St. Peter said: " What's THAT got to do with Christmas?" The bachelor replied: " They're Carols."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations LOVE HAS NO LIMITS

The elderly couple met at a pensioners’ social evening and immediately took a fancy to each other. He invited her for a walk in the nearby park; they rested for a while behind some bushes, one thing followed another and soon they were proving that there is no age-limit to lovemaking.

The man was the first to recover and breathing heavily remarked:

“I did not know that at your age you would still be a virgin.”

“If I would have known that you can still get it up at your age,” – replied his date, – “I would have taken off my panties.”

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