Category: Boys and Girls

THE BLAVK PANTIES

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied:

"Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked:

"Why the black panties?"

She replied:

"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked:

"What's with the black condom?"

He replied:

"I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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Category: Simpletons

A YOUNG MAN'S STORY

 I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16, or so. 

 I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."  

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said: "Just a minute."  

And walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 

She asked: "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on", - she said. "We don't have much time."  

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately I could no longer hold back and pow I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown.  

"Did you put that condom on?"  

I said: "I sure did."  

And held up my thumb to show her.

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Category: Misers

POPULATION CONTROL

On his birthday, the scrooge decided to go to a restaurant. The check for the plentiful meal he consumed totaled $49.70, for which he paid with a $50 bill. The busy waitress thanked him, put the money into the cash register and continued with her other duties. A little later, when she looked towards the man’s table, she saw that he was still sitting there. She went over to him and asked:

“Is there anything else you wish, Sir?”

“I am waiting for my change,” - replied the scrooge.

The waitress returned to the cash register and after a while brought a saucer with 30 cents and a small package. The scrooge put the change into his purse, opened the package and found that it contains a package of condoms.

“What is that for?” - asked the astonished man.

“I suggest that you use it,” - answered the angry waitress, - “types like you should not multiply.”    

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Category: Business is Business

NIPPLES

A fellow was taking a tour of a factory that produced various latex products. At the first stop, he was shown the machine that manufactured baby-bottle nipples. The machine made a loud hiss-pop noise.

“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould,” – explained the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reached the part of the factory where condoms were manufactured. The machine made a noise:
“Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!”
“Wait a minute!” – said the man taking the tour. “I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what is that 'pop!' every so often?”
“Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” – said the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”
“Well, that can't be good for the condoms!”
“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business”.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

CURE ALL

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
     When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
     "Miss Bea," - he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" - pointing to the bowl.
     "Oh, yes," - she replied, - "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Category: Marital Bliss

MARATHON

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" - she replied. “He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" - one asked.
"Oh yes!" - he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside.
"Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
“Oh, yes" - our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried:
"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

GOOD FIT

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady A.: “What's that?”
Lady B.: “A condom.”
Lady A.: “Where'd you get it?”
Lady B.: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Lady A. hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (after all, she was in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
“Doesn't matter,” – she replied, – “as long as it fits a Camel.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations CURE ALL

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," - he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" - pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," - she replied, - "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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