Category: 'English Jokes

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

¬ Question:

“What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?”

Answer:

“Close the door! I'm dressing.”

¬ Question:

“What is faster: hot or cold?”

Answer:

“Hot, because you can catch a cold.”

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Category: Political Jokes

BLESS YOU

It was a cold day and one of the passengers on the crowded train to Moscow sneezed. The man seated in the corner, whose leather-coat and short boots gave him away as belonging to the security-police, raised his head from his “Pravda” newspaper and in a loud and booming voice asked:

“Which of you comrades sneezed?”

All conversation ceased and everyone held their breath, waiting for the culprit to identify himself. When nobody answered, the KGB man repeated his query:

“I am asking again, who sneezed?’

A pale, thin fellow at the back of the crowd raised his hand hesitatingly:

“I did. I have a bad cold.”

“Gesundheit, tovarisch!” - said the KGB man and returned to his paper.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

CURE ALL

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
     When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
     "Miss Bea," - he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" - pointing to the bowl.
     "Oh, yes," - she replied, - "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Category: Marital Bliss

LOVING SPOUSE

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella blown inside out and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker:

“May I have two bagels to go, please?”

The baker said in astonishment:

“Two bagels? Nothing more?”

“That’s right,” – answered the little man. “One for me and one for Bernice.”

“Bernice is your wife?” – asked the baker.

“What do you think,” – snapped the little man, – “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

DESPERATE MEASURE

“What does a Scotsman do when he is cold?”

“He moves his chair closer to the candle.”

“And if he is still cold?

“He puts his arms around the candle.”

“A when all that doesn’t help?”

“He lights it.”

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Category: Animal World OBVIOUS DEVIANT

Walking on an ice field with his mother, a polar bear cub asked:

“Mummy, are we polar bears?”

“Yes, my dear.”

“And is Pappy a polar bear too?”

“Yes, he is.”

“And were Grandma and Grandpa polar bears too?”

“Of course they were, but why are you asking?”

“I don’t know why, but I’m bloody awfully cold.”

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Category: Marital Bliss FITS THE BILL

Waiter: “What can I get you sir?”

Guest: “Anything that’s big, cold and has a lot of gin in it.”

Waiter: “Then let me introduce you to my wife.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories DESPERATE MEASURE

“What does a Scotsman do when he is cold?”

“He moves his chair closer to the candle.”

“And if he is still cold?

“He puts his arms around the candle.”

“A when all that doesn’t help?”

“He lights it.”

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