Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE PASTOR'S ASS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won
again.

The local paper read:

Pastor's ass out front!

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day, the  local
paper headline read:

Bishop scratches pastor's ass!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:

Nun has the best ass in town!

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun, that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day's paper read:

Nun sells ass for $10!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild. The next day
the headlines read:

Nun announces her ass is wild and free!

Alas; the bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much
grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ Question:

“Why does the promiscuous lady have a lighted candle in her navel?”        

Answer:

“Her lover likes to eat by candlelight.”

¬ Question:

 “Why did Elisabeth Arden?”

Answer:

“Because Max Factor.”

¬ Question:

 “Do you think sex is dirty?”

Answer:

 “Yes, if you do it right.”

¬ Question:

“What is the difference between a nun and a bathing woman.

 Answer:

“The nun’s soul is full of hope, whereas the bathing lady’s hole is full of soap.” 

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

LIES

A cabbie picked up a nun. She got into the cab and the noticed that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asked him why he is staring and he replied:
“I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answered:
“My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well....I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me passionately.”
She responded:
“Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver was very excited and said:
“Yes, I'm single and Catholic too!!”
The nun said:,
“OK, pull into the next alley.”
He did and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” – said the nun, – “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied and must confess. I'm married and Jewish.”
The nun said:
“That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

LATIN

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," - Yacov said, - "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black. We need new suits and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said:
"See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for the nuns. In all the world," - Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, - "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" - one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," - she replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"In Latin?" - asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, - "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

PSALMS

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said:
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said:
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized:
"Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said:
"Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FAMILY MATTER

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the sight of a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed:

“Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,” - the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how do you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I'm not,” - the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?”

“I'm afraid I can't, Sister.”

“Do you have any close relatives, then?”

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” - replied the man, - “but she's a spinster nun.”

“Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” - the nun replied. “They are married to God.”

“Okay,” - the man said with a smile, - “then bill my brother-in-law.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE KEY TO HEAVEN

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued:

“And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories FISHING STORY

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said:

“Wow!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!”

The sister said:

“Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.”

The man said:

“But that's the species of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.”

The sister said: “Oh, ok.”

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

“Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.”

Shocked, the Mother Superior said:

“Sister, you know better than that.”

The nun said:

“That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”

So the Mother Superior said:

“Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.”

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:

“Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.”

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:

“Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!”

Mother Superior said:

“But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”

Monsignor said:

“Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.”

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table and he said:

“Wow, what a nice fish.”

In reply, the sister said:

“Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.”

And Mother Superior said:

“I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.”

And Monsignor said:

“I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked and said:

“I like this fucking place already!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

AS LONG AS YOU ARE AT IT

A trucker took a nun hitchhiker. He drove to some secluded woods and raped her. As he pulled on his pants, he felt some remorse and asked:

“What will you tell your Mother Superior now?”

The sobbing sister:

“That a brutish truck driver violated me twice.”

The surprised trucker:

“Twice? But I only did it once.”

The nun apprehensively:

“Why, are you in a hurry?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories ABSOLUTION

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.

“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next Nun admitted that:

“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories FAMILY MATTER A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the sight of a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed: “Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,” - the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how do you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?” “No, I'm not,” - the man whispered hoarsely. “Can you pay in cash?” “I'm afraid I can't, Sister.” “Do you have any close relatives, then?” “Just my sister in New Mexico,” - replied the man, - “but she's a spinster nun.” “Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” - the nun replied. “They are married to God.” “Okay,” - the man said with a smile, - “then bill my brother-in-law.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories THE KEY TO HEAVEN

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued:

“And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”

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