Category: Army Stories

A WILLING MAN

During World War II the campaign in the Western Desert was a long and tedious one. The soldiers spent long months in the sand dunes, far from civilization, with only an occasional camel to look at. One night the colonel called in his orderly and confessed:

“I simply must have a woman. Any type will do, young, old, fat, thin, ugly – it does not matter, as long as it is a female. Can you get me one?” – he asked.

At first the orderly just shook his head, but when his superior officer kept badgering him, he came up with a suggestion:

“What about that Chinese cook in the kitchen? He has a nice, fat behind. Wouldn’t he do, Sir?”

The colonel shuddered at the suggestion and told the orderly to forget it. A few more weeks passed and the colonel became desperate. He called his orderly in again and said:

“It seems that there is no other choice. Please arrange for me to meet that cook, but I don’t want anybody else to hear about it.”

“Impossible, Sir,” - replied the aide. “Besides us two and the Chink, at least four more soldiers will have to know about your assignment.”

“Who the hell are those four others you are bringing in?” – asked the officer in exasperation.

“We need them to hold down the cook, because he does not like to be fucked.”    

Custom Search

Category: Animal World

BRAGGARTS

Three mice were sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounded a shot of scotch, slammed the glass onto the bar, turned to the second mouse and said:

“When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse ordered up two shots of sour mash, pounded them both, slammed each glass onto the bar, turned to the first mouse and replied:

“Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turned to the third mouse. The third mouse let out a long sigh and said to the first two:

“I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

Custom Search

Category: From the Mouths of Babes 

SURPRISE

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while, the boy came into the room where his father was talking with some friends. 

“Say, Pop,” - said the boy, - “the bull just fucked the brown cow”.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, ‘Excuse me’ and took his son outside. 

“Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go, watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow”.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said:

“Hey, Pop.”

“Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”

“He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!”

   

Custom Search

Category: Doctors and Patients

TESTING

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”
Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”
Mr. Smith: “That’s bad and terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”
Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:
"Up or down?"
The woman replied:
"Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
She replied:
"Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked:
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied:
"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations 

JEWISH SONGS

Mrs. Cohen, aged 84, and Mrs. Murphy, aged 85, were lifelong friends, but because each was also a bit old-fashioned, each chose to go to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long, however, before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said:
“Don't be holding back Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, Mrs. Cohen said:
“But the best thing of all is...now I have a boyfriend!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Saints be praised, now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Well...after lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then on the bottom and then we sing Jewish songs. Oy, it's wonderful!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? You must tell me!”
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Good for you! So what do you do, you and the new boyfriend?”
Mrs. Murphy smiled and said:
“We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top and then I let him touch me down below...”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Yes, and then....?”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck!”

Custom Search

Category: From the Nouts of Babes

A SAD EVENT

It was a rainy Sunday in London (what else?) and the family was cooped up inside the small apartment. The father felt horny, so in order to have the necessary undisturbed solitude, he hit upon an idea to keep his son occupied.

“You know what, Billy boy, look out through the window and I shall give you a penny for every man in a top hat that you see on the street.”

The child liked the game, ran to the living-room window and while he was watching the scene below, his parents were busily consummating their marriage. Soon the boy’s voice was heard from the other room:

“Daddy, I see a man in a top hat.”

“Excellent, you earned yourself a penny,” - shouted the father and went on banging away.

“Two men wearing top hats came out of a house.”

“All right son, I owe you three pennies.”

Suddenly the boy yelled exultantly:

“Poppy, this fuck will cost you plenty! A funeral procession is coming around the corner.”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

FLUCTUATIONS

A Chinese lady on holiday in London went to the bank to change some Hong Kong Dollars into pounds. She asked what the exchange rate was and the teller said:

“HK$12.50 for ₤1.”

She went ahead and changed some money. The next day she needed some more pounds and went back to the bank. This time the teller said:

“HK$12.80 for ₤1.”

The Chinese lady wondered:

“What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and today it's $12.80?”

The snotty British teller said:

“Fluctuations Madame.”

The Chinese lady replied:

“Well, fuck you caucasions too!”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:

"Up or down?"

The woman replied:

"Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

She replied:

"Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked:

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied:

"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

HUNTING STORY

The big game hunter regaled his pals with the highlights of his African trip:

“I started my safari with 30 porters. On the very first day I encountered a big lion and shot him between the eyes. Eight of the men had to carry the carcass. The next morning a rogue elephant charged our party, but I managed to fell him with my first shot. He was so big that 14 porters barely managed to transport his body. Later, we encountered a beautiful rhino. He too went down from my first shot, but his body used up the rest of my bearers. So, when I bagged a magnificent gorilla, I was obliged to carry him myself.”

“How did you manage?” - asked of his listeners.

“Oh, I simply put each of his legs on one of my shoulders...”

Just then the hunter was called away for an urgent phone call. When he returned, he asked:

“Where was I?”

“You put one leg on each of your shoulders,” - said somebody helpfully.

“Oh yes,” - the hunter took up the thread, - “I must tell you guys, this was the most fabulous fuck I ever had.”

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss

CONSIDERATE FELLOW

Jones accompanied Smith to the railway station. Smith said his farewells:

“Thank you for everything, I had a wonderful weekend, your wife was very sweet, we had some heavenly fucks.”

As the train departed, his neighbor in the compartment asked Smith:

“I beg your pardon, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. Did you actually thank your friend for having had good sex with his wife?”

“To tell you the unvarnished, absolute truth, it wasn’t good at all. But Jones is such a touchy fellow, I didn’t want to offend him.”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations JEWISH SONGS

Mrs. Cohen, aged 84, and Mrs. Murphy, aged 85, were lifelong friends, but because each was also a bit old-fashioned, each chose to go to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long, however, before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said:

“Don't be holding back Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, Mrs. Cohen said:

“But the best thing of all is...now I have a boyfriend!”

Mrs. Murphy said:

“Saints be praised, now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it!”

Mrs. Cohen said:

“Well...after lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then on the bottom and then we sing Jewish songs. Oy, it's wonderful!”

Mrs. Murphy said:

“For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen!”

Mrs. Cohen said:

“And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? You must tell me!”

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said:

“Good for you! So what do you do, you and the new boyfriend?”

Mrs. Murphy smiled and said:

“We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top and then I let him touch me down below...”

Mrs. Cohen said:

“Yes, and then....?”

Mrs. Murphy said:

“Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Category: Army Stories A WILLING MAN

During World War II the campaign in the Western Desert was a long and tedious one. The soldiers spent long months in the sand dunes, far from civilization, with only an occasional camel to look at. One night the colonel called in his orderly and confessed:

“I simply must have a woman. Any type will do, young, old, fat, thin, ugly – it does not matter, as long as it is a female. Can you get me one?” – he asked.

At first the orderly just shook his head, but when his superior officer kept badgering him, he came up with a suggestion:

“What about that Chinese cook in the kitchen? He has a nice, fat behind. Wouldn’t he do, Sir?”

The colonel shuddered at the suggestion and told the orderly to forget it. A few more weeks passed and the colonel became desperate. He called his orderly in again and said:

“It seems that there is no other choice. Please arrange for me to meet that cook, but I don’t want anybody else to hear about it.”

“Impossible, Sir,” - replied the aide. “Besides us two and the Chink, at least four more soldiers will have to know about your assignment.”

“Who the hell are those four others you are bringing in?” – asked the officer in exasperation.

“We need them to hold down the cook, because he does not like to be fucked.”

Custom Search