Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies

THE OSTRICH

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asked them for their orders. The man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke" - and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," - said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order:

"That will be $9.40 please," - and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich said:

"I'll have the same."

Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became routine, until the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said:

"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer:

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," - said the man, - "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars, or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," - said the man.

The waitress asked:

"So, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused and answered:

"My second wish was for a tall chick with  big breasts and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Category: Male Chauvinists

QUID FOR QUO

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle”.

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and didn't reply. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said:

“You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra”.

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother”.

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Category: Computers

MOUSING AROUND

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous “Microsoft Mouse” position). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

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Category: Marital Bliss

REMOTE 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice:

“That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

He said:

“I found the remote.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories
THING OF BEAUTY
 

Into a Belfast pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose was broken, his face was cut and bruised and he was walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" - asked Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," - said Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," - said Sean, - "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," - said Paddy, - "a shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," - said Sean, - "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," - said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

WOMAN AND BABY

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman:
“Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”
“Breast fed” – she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” – the doctor ordered.
She did. While the woman sat silently he pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a long while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said:
“No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.”
“Naturally,” – she said. “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

HARD FACTS

A man in a hotel lobby wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he went to the front desk, his elbow accidentally bumped a woman's breast. They were both quite startled. The man turned to the woman and said:

“Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.”

She replied:

“If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations WOMAN AND BABY

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman:

“Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”

“Breast fed” – she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” – the doctor ordered.

She did. While the woman sat silently he pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a long while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said:

“No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.”

“Naturally,” – she said. “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”

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Category: Computers MOUSING AROUND

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous “Microsoft Mouse” position). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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