Category: Preposterous Stories

GOOD EXCUSE

It was the first weekend’s pass that the newly enlisted men in boot camp received and they were told by the platoon sergeant to be back on Sunday, at midnight sharp. Most of the soldiers made it, but some were still missing by 12 o’clock. The first latecomer arrived at about 12:20. When asked by the platoon sergeant for the reason of his tardiness, the man explained that there were no taxis available and he had to hire a horse-drawn buggy. Even this slow means of transportation would have brought him to the base in time for the curfew, but suddenly the horse dropped dead and he had to walk the rest of way.

“It may be a lie, but at least it is an original one,” – thought the platoon sergeant and with a warning to the soldier, let it go at that. About 10 minutes later, a second latecomer staggered in. He had a similar story to tell. He also had trouble finding a taxi, hired a horse-drawn cart and his horse too had fallen by the wayside. A strange coincidence, thought the platoon sergeant, but again let the soldier go with a reprimand. It was only when the third soldier also had the same excuse that he got mad and decided to punish the last soldier if he did not have a better excuse. It was close to 1 a.m. when that one put in an appearance and before he even managed to utter a word, the platoon sergeant asked him with heavy sarcasm:

“You also came by horse and wagon?”

“Who gave you such a preposterous idea?” - protested the surprised soldier. “I came by taxi of course.”

“So why are you so late?”

“You would not believe what happened! I never saw such a thing in my life, the whole road was strewn with dead horses and the taxi just could not get through.”   

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THE WRONG BITCH

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England and then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

“Could I please sit in that seat?” - he asked. The lady was insulted.

“You Americans are so rude,” - she said, - “can't you see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I may sit down,” - he said. The lady replied:

“You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but he was so tired that he finally said:

“Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied:

“You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up:

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

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Category: Army Stories TACTFUL MAN

The C.O. called in his platoon sergeant and showed him a fax, advising that Jones’s parents had been killed in an accident involving a steamroller. He entrusted him to break the news to the bereaved soldier, “as gently as possible.” The sergeant thought for a while about the best way to carry out his delicate mission and then ordered the platoon into formation and commanded:

“Attention! Soldiers whose parents were squashed by a steamroller, take one step forward!”

Of course, none of the soldiers budged and the sergeant thundered again:

“Private First Class Jones, don’t you understand a direct command when you hear one?”

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