Category: Naughty Jokes

TIGHT SKIRT

One day, a large group of people was waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reached behind her and unzipped the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tried again.

Again, she found that she could not maneuver the step, so once more she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looked at the bus driver and tried to board again. With disappointment, she found that she still couldn’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzipped her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still did not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabbed her by the waist, lifted her up and placed her on the bus. The woman turned to the Texan furiously and said:

“Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!”

Nonplused, the Texan looked at her and replied:

“Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”

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Category: For Your Kids

EASY BET

The Inland Revenue decided to audit Clement, summoned him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who was not surprised when Clement arrived with his solicitor. The auditor said:

“Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty's Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.”

“I am a great gambler and can prove it,” - said Clement. “Would you like a demonstration?”

The auditor considered this for a moment and agreed. Clement said:

“I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a while, finally said:

“It's a bet.”

Clement removed his glass eye and bite it. The auditor looked sick.

“I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye” - said Clement. The auditor could see Clement wasn't blind, so he accepted the bet. Clement removed his false teeth and bite the good eye. The stunned auditor now realized he has bet and lost £3,000, with Clement's solicitor as a witness; he got very nervous.

"Double or quits?” - said Clement. “I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the right-hand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.”

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but examined the proposal carefully. Clement was not a tall man; he was old;, the desk was eight foot wide; he decided there is simply no way Clement could do that, so he agreed again. Clement stood at the side of the desk, unzipped his trousers, strained for all he was worth, but could not make the stream reach the bin on the far side and finished up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leapt with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then noticed that Clement's solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” - asked the auditor.

“Not really,” said the solicitor. “This morning, when Clement told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000, that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet."

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