Category: Male Chauvinists

QUESTION AND ANSWER

¬ Question:

“Why do women marry?”

Answer:

“Because the vibrator cannot cut the grass.”

¬ Question:

“Why are condoms not manufactured in black?

Answer:

“Black makes everything look slimmer.”

¬ Question:

“How are women and rocks alike?”

Answer:

“You skip the flat ones.”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Jokes

THE LUCKY ONE

Rivka went to her rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi," - she said - "Both Abe and Sol are in love with me. Both want to marry
me and I have to pick... Who will be the lucky one?"

The rabbi looked at her and replied:

"Abe will marry you and Sol will be the lucky one."

 

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

Two elderly people lived in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park, he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her:

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered:

"Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled:

"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired:

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say:

"Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued:

"I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

JEWISH LOGIC

A young man, Yossi and an elderly man Hymie were riding on a bus in Jerusalem. Yossi asked:
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
Hymie hat sich gemacht nit vissen dik (didn't answer). Yossi asked again:
“Sir, what time is it?"
Hymie still did not answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really need to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
Hymie turned his head and said:
"Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why
would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

WEIGHTY REASON

Arthur Winthorpe Gladstone III took his college roommate, Samuel Bernstein, home for Christmas. After dinner, Arthur spoke to his father:

“Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married and we’d like your blessing.”
Arthur’s father practically exploded, his face turned red and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied:
“Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel! For God’s sake, Arthur,... he’s Jewish!”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

OIL CHANGE

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:
“You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said: “You have to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:
“You must be quite a man.”
He responded: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, it's high time you changed the oil. This one's black.”

Custom Search

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

HE HAS A POINT

On returning from kindergarten, the little boy polished off a big portion of chocolate cake his grandmother served him, and declared with great satisfaction:

“When I grow up, I shall marry Granny.”

“You cannot marry Granny,” - objected his father. “She is my mother!”

“Didn’t you marry my mother?”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

BEDDING ORDER

A rich old man proposed to a young woman.

“I will marry you,” – said the woman, – “but I have three conditions:

1. Deposit 1 million dollars in my bank account.

2. Buy me a mansion in Santa Monica, with a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi.”

“Consider it done,” – said the prospective husband. “And what is your third condition?”

3. “I want to have sex every day.”

“All right. Put me down for every second Thursday.”

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss

THE EXCEPTION

“You know, it’s very difficult to find a suitable wife. There are quite a few willing girls, but my mother doesn’t like any of them.”

“None of them?”

“Except for one girl. She liked her very much, because she looked exactly like her.”

“So why didn’t you marry her?”

“My father hated her looks.”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Jokes WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A young Jewish man called his mother and said:

“Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.”

“How nice,” - said his mother.

“I have an Indian name too,” - he said. “It's 'Running Water' and you have to call me that from now on.”

“How nice,” - said his mother.

“You have to have an Indian name, too, Mom....”

“I already do,” - said the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva....*”

* Shiva: A seven-day period of mourning observed after the death of a close relative.

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Category: From the Mouths of Babes HE HAS A POINT

On returning from kindergarten, the little boy polished off a big portion of chocolate cake his grandmother served him, and declared with great satisfaction:

“When I grow up, I shall marry Granny.”

“You cannot marry Granny,” - objected his father. “She is my mother!”

“Didn’t you marry my mother?”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Category: From the Mouths of Babes SO FAR

Mr. and Mrs. Brown listened with an apologetic smile to their 6-year old son’s story, about how he played doctor with their neighbor’s daughter, 7-year old Monica.

“We want to marry,” - declared Lance decisively.

“That’s nice,” - said the father, - “but shouldn’t you wait for a while? After all, you are so young. And anyway, how are going to pay the bills?”

“Oh, we discussed that, “ - answered Lance. “We shall pool our pocket money and in winter clear away the snow for the neighbors. We will manage very nicely.”

“And what will you do when you have a baby?” - asked Mrs. Brown.

Lance raised his eyes to his mother:

“So far we've been lucky!”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories HILLBILLY HONEYMOON

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma) went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl, they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy really looked forward to the wedding night and to show how much this marriage meant to him, he took his new bride to a real pay motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed.

“Be gentle with me,” - she said, - “I'm a virgin.”

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber out of there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story, with eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said:

“You did the right thing, son, don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!”

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss LIVING ON A PITTANCE A young man asked his girlfriend to marry him. As the man had no work, nor did he have a profession, the prospective bride asked: “Tell me, if I do become your wife, what will we live on?” “On love,” – answered the bridegroom to be, only half in jest. She must have loved him very much, because she married him anyway. Some days after their wedding, the husband came home and saw his wife, stark naked, sitting on the kitchen stove. “For Heavens’ sake,” – asked the astonished man, – “what are you doing?” “Warming our dinner.”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search