Category: Women's Lib

HERMAPHRODITE

A woman gave birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor came in and said:

“I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sat up in bed and asked:

“What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor said:

“Well, now, nothing’s wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

“A hermaphrodite.... what’s that???”

“Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... both of a male and a female.”

The woman turned pale. She said:

“Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?”

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Category: Viagra

HANDLING PAIN

A man visited the dentist. After examining him, the dentist said:

“That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The man grabbed the dentist’s arm and screamed:

“No way! I hate needles. I’m not getting any shot!”

The dentist said:

“OK, we’ll have to go with the gas then.”

His patient replied:

“Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”

So the dentist stepped out and came back with a glass of water:

“Here,” – he said, – “take this pill.”

The man asked:

“What is it?”

The dentist replied:

“Viagra.”

The man looked surprised and asked:

“Will that kill the pain?”

“No,” – replied the dentist, – “but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth.”

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Category: Simpletons

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. He was at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates were closed and Forrest approached the gatekeeper. St. Peter said:

“Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responded:

“It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued:

“Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?”

Forrest left to think the questions over. He returned the next day and saw St. Peter, who waved him up and said:

“Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied:

“Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed:

“Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?”- asked St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said:

“Twelve? Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied:

“Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”'

“Hold it,” - interrupted St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?”

“Sure,” Forrest replied, - “it's Andy.”

“Andy?” - exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,”- Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:

“Run, Forrest, run.”

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Category: Simpletons

HAS NO IDEA

From a passenger ship, everyone could see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

 “Who is it on that island?” – a passenger asked the captain.

 “I have no idea....., but every year when we pass, he just goes nuts.”

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Category: Political Jokes

CAMPAIGNING

While walking down the street one day a US senator was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” - said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,”- said the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” – said the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present was the devil, who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before he realized it, it was time to go. Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved while the elevator rose. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

“Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returned.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflected for a minute, then answered:

“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator opened and he was in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fell from above. The devil came over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” - stammered the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looked at him, smiled and said:

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliation

UNIVERSITY STUDIES

An elderly woman registered for studies at the university. Her records were in order, she passed all entrance exams, but the Admissions representative was still curious and asked her:

“Tell me, why would a person of your age want to pursue academic studies?”

“It is not so much that I want to study, it is on account of my hubby. The old prick just loves to screw co-eds”. 

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Category: Naughty Jokes

PROSTATE EXAM

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" - said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," - said the man.

"No, but I have,"

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Category: Mother-In-Law

NOT AN ENJOYABLE OCCASION

With her last breath the terminally sick woman asked of her husband:

“I want you to give me your word, my dear, that you and my mother will make up and you will walk side-by-side after my coffin at my funeral.”

Huffily the husband grumbled:

“I promise, I promise, but I must confess, that I will not enjoy this funeral very much.” 

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Category: Mothers

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters' swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say:

"Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury. She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became even more enraged and screamed:

"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show.”

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Category: Modern Fables

ADAM AND EVE

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said:

“It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered:

“Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush… Moments later, Adam emerged and said:

“Thank you Lord, we thought that was wonderful!”

And the Lord replied:

“Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said:

“What is a 'caress'?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam took his beloved wife behind the bushes...  Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said:

“Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said:

“You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam inquired:

“What is it to 'to make love', Lord?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared almost instantly...  And Adam said:

“Lord, what is a 'headache'?”

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Category: Misers

TEN DOLLARS

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say:

"Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say:

"I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said:

"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

Edna replied:

"Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said:

"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Fred:

"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied:

"Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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Category: Marital Bliss

SPICING UP THE SEX LIFE

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says:

"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," - she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat”. 

He never heard the gunshot.

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Category: Male Chauvinists

WOODPECKERS

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.

The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
     The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia Woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

“Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.” 

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Category: Lawyers

SCREW

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree:

"Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said:

"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring, or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other:

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So .... do you think we should ... well .... you know ...... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

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Category: In the Middle East

SHAMING HIS PARENTS

An Arab Emir’s son was sent to study in Germany. After about a month, he wrote a letter to his parents, in which he described Berlin in glowing words, praised the studies and told them about his new friends. At the end of the letter, he added:

“There is only one thing that causes me a certain degree of embarrassment, I get to the Uni in my golden Mercedes, but the faculty arrives in the Metro”.

No more than ten day later, his parents replied:

“Our darling son, in the envelope you will find a check in the amount of million Euros. Please do not put us to shame, buy yourself a Metro.”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies

THE OSTRICH

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asked them for their orders. The man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke" - and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," - said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order:

"That will be $9.40 please," - and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich said:

"I'll have the same."

Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became routine, until the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said:

"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer:

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," - said the man, - "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars, or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," - said the man.

The waitress asked:

"So, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused and answered:

"My second wish was for a tall chick with  big breasts and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

BIRTHDAY PRESENT

There was this guy whose next door neighbors were a lesbian couple. They were very nice ladies and they became quite good friends with the guy. When they learned, that his birthday was approaching, they asked him what he would like for a present.

“I wanna watch!” – said the guy.

Sure enough, on his birthday the couple presented him with a Rolex.

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

THE RIGHT THING

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

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Category: For your Kids

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

¬ Question:

“Whose skeleton is it over there in the bushes?”

Answer:

“Probably that of last years’ winner in the hide-and-seek competition.”

¬ Question:

“What do you get if you cross cars with strawberries?”

Answer:

“Traffic jam.”

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Category: Ethnic

BUTT EXPERT

 

 

Trust the Chinese to have his wits when he's surrounded by such racists.

A Chinese immigrant went hunting one day in Ontario, Canada and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home, when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Chinese.

The game warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and the man pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said:

”This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy?”

The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its but and said:

 “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”

 The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said:

“This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting license?”

Again the Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a Nova Scotia license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point and yelled at the Chinese:

“Just where the hell are you from?”

The Chinese smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said:

”You tell me, you are the expert.” 

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