Category: C'est la Vie

BRIEF ONES

¬ Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

¬ God must love stupid people, he made so many.

¬ If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

¬ I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.

¬ We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

¬ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

¬ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

¬ Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

¬ Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

¬ A pessimist is an experienced optimist.

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Category: C'est la Vie!

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

A guy went to the supermarket and noticed an attractive woman waving at him. She said hello. He was rather taken back, because he couldn't place where he knew her from. So he said:

"Do you know me?"

To which she replied:

"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind traveled back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and said:

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looked into his eyes and said calmly:

"No, I' m your son's teacher"

 

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Category: Business is Business

IRISH BINGO

A young girl from Donegal left home to find work in the bright lights of London. She came home six months later and stepped out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," - said her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replied:

"Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she was back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom............same "Won it at bingo!"

Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She handed her mother 1,000 pounds and explained that she won it all in bingo. Then she asked Mom to run her a bath, as she needed to freshen up.

Her Mom drew the bath while Colleen got undressed in her bedroom, but when she got to the washroom, there was only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, called downstairs:

"Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin"  - replied her Mom - "but we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

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Category: Boys and Girls

SELF-EVIDENT

Boy met girl at the nudist beach. Enchantment at first sight. Boy blurted out:

 “I love you!”

 Retorted the girl matter-of-factly: “I see.”

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Category: Boys and Girls

POINTS OF VIEW

As the groom passed down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, the best man noticed that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man said:

“Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but you look so excited.”

The groom replied:

“I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

Now the bride came walking down the aisle and she too had the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed this and said:

“Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up – you look so excited.”

The bride replied:

“I have just given the last blowjob of my entire life.”

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Category: Boys and Girls

FOUR LETTER WORDS

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked:

“How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, Mama,” - she replied, - “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...”

Suddenly she burst out crying:

“But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language I’d ever heard before. I mean, all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” - her mother said - “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” - wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come and get me please!”

“Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride said:

“Oh mama, words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!”

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Category: Boys and Girls

BATTLE OF SEXES

Three bachelors lived in a small apartment. One day one announced:

“Boys, go tonight to a movie. I invited a lady home.”

When the two returned home late at night, they noticed that some of the furnishings were out of place. 

“How many times?” - they asked.

“Twice!” - came the ready answer. “And my guest once.”

Some days passed. Now it was second guy’s turn:

“Tonight I’ll have a lady guest. Go to a pub, or something.”

In the morning the other two saw that the place was in a mess and asked their mate how did he make out.

“Four times.”

“And the dame?”

“Twice.” 

In a few days it was the third man who ushered out his partners. In the morning the apartment looked like a battlefield. The other two asked their friend:

“This must have been a hell of an engagement. How many times?”

“Ten times.”

“And the woman?”

“She? She did not show up at all.”

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