Category: Boys and Girls

FITTING ANSWER

Said the brash young man to the girl he encountered on the street:

“Don’t you remember me? We met at the zoo.”

“Really? What cage were you in?”

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Category: Boys and Girls

MISNOMER

It was the spring of 1957 and Bobby went to pick up his date. He was a pretty hip guy, with his own car. When he arrived at the front door, the girl's father invited him in.

“Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” – he said.

“That's cool,” – said Bobby.

Carrie's father asked Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replied politely that they would probably just go to the soda shop, or a movie. Carrie's father responded:

“Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this came as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asked Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” – said the father, – “Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie came downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announced that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorted his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushed back into the house, slammed the door behind her, and screamed at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

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Category: Boys and Girls

IMPERCEBTIBLE

At the New Year Eve ball, a young man noticed a ravishing woman and asked her for a dance. The lady looked him over and then uttered devastatingly:

“Did you really think I would dance with a child?”

The young man apologized:

“Excuse me Madam, I really didn’t know you were pregnant.”

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Category: Boys and Girls

THE ONLY ONE

Said the young woman to her suitor, who was whispering niceties into her ear:

“Whom do you take me for? How many other women are you fooling around with?”

“I swear my dear,” – protested the man his innocence – “you are the only one.”

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Category: Boys and Girls

PRACTICAL GIRLS

“Let’s picnic, Samantha,” – suggested the boy.

“All right, Alfie,” – agreed the girl, – “but I would like to eat something first.”

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Category: Boys and Girls

LANGUAGE PROBLEMS

It was summer at Lake Tahoe and a local boy met a German tourist. He invited her boating and they rowed out far into the middle of the lake. People ashore noticed that the boat didn’t move and seemed to be empty from afar. After a while, several men started swimming towards the boat. They almost reached it when a tousle-headed boy rose above the boat’s rim:

“Hey men! Does anyone know what the meaning of ‘Noch einmal’ is?”

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Category: Boys and Girls

NEXT IN LINE

A man and a shapely woman stood one next to the other at a cocktail party. The woman gave the man the once-over and then declared:

“You look exactly like my third husband!”

“How many times have you been married?”

“Twice so far.”

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Category: Blondes

IT'S A GUY THIS TIME!

A blonde guy got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What's going on here?” – he asked.

“I'm having a heart attack,” – cried the woman. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialing, his 4-year old son came up and said:

“Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!”

The guy slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his best pal, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

“You IDIOT!!!” – shouted the husband, – “my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!”

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Category: Blondes

THE OTHER SIDE

So there was this blonde out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoohoo” – she shouted, – “how can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back:

“You are on the other side.”

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Category: Blondes

HAIR COLOR

A blonde girl got sick of being called stupid, so she did something about it. She died her hair a really dark brown. Then she thought to herself:

“Now I need someone that I can prove to that I am smart.”

So, she found a sheep farmer and asked him:

“If I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, will you give me one?”

The farmer said:

“Sure, there's no way you can guess that.”

So, the girl thought a while, then said:

“You have 356 sheep on your farm.”

“That's amazing!” – the farmer said, – “how could you possibly know that?”

“Us intelligent people just know these things.”

Then she took her sheep and started to load it in her car, when the farmer walked over to her.

“Ma'am, if I can tell you your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?”

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Category: Blondes

BLONDE CUSTOMER

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain:

“I would like to buy this TV,” - she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman:

“I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” - she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, etc.

“I would like to buy this TV,” - she stated upon her return to the store.

“Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed:

“How do you know I'm a blonde?”

“Because that's a microwave,” - he replied.

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Category: Blondes

CONDOMS

A blonde came into a pharmacy to buy condoms. She was embarrassed about her purchase, but finally conjured up enough nerve to approach the clerk at the checkout counter.

“That will be $11.99 plus tax,” - the clerk declared.

“Tacks?” - screamed the blonde, - “I thought you just rolled them on!”

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Category: Blondes

INDEFINITELY DELAYED

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced:

“One of our engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced:

“One more engine has failed and the flight will take two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.”

An hour later the Captain announced:

“One more engine has failed and the flight will last three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.”

One blonde looked at the other and said:

“If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.”

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Category: At Work

JOB INTERVIEW

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of school:

“And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The candidate said:

“In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the package of benefits.”

The HR Person said:

“Well, what would you say to a package containing 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental insurance, company matching retirement fund to 50% of your salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say a red Toyota?”

The candidate sat up straight and said:

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said:

“Certainly, ...but you started it.”

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Category: At the Restaurant

FINICKY CUSTOMER

A man came into the restaurant and inquired what was on the menu. The waiter recommended the tongue in spicy sauce, but the customer declined:

“I am not going to eat something that was in someone else’s mouth. Get me two poached eggs instead.”

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Category: At the Court-of-Law

JUDGE NOT...

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:

“Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded:

“Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot, when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked:

“Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied:

“Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace:

“If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

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Category: At The Card Table

BRIDGE PLAYERS

The worst thing that can happen to you in a contract bridge game - besides losing - is getting stuck with a bad partner. The male partner in this particular game never let his female accomplice know what his cards were. When the man excused himself and disappeared into the bathroom, his partner took advantage of his absence, to vent her frustration:

“You know,” - she declared to the other two players - “this is the first time tonight that I know for sure, what my partner has in his hand.”

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Category: At School

ROUTINE

A father on a business trip, passing through his son's college town late one night, thought he would pay the boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window:

“Whattya want?”

“Does Tom Flaherty live here?” – asked the father.

“Yeah!” – replied the voice. “Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning.”

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Category: Army Stories

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

During an inspection tour at an Army hospital, the general started his visit in the Internal Medicine Wing. He stopped at the first patient’s bed and asked:

“What is it that you are in here for son?”

“Piles, Sir.”

“And what is the treatment you are receiving?”

“Swabbing, three times a day.”

“Do have you any complaints, or requests?”

“Thank you, Sir, everything is just fine.”

In the same manner, the general stopped at every patient’s bedside and asked the same questions. As it happened, in this particular department, all four patients he visited, had hemorrhoids and they all answered similarly. Finally, the general reached the bed of the fifth patient.

“I am here with a bad throat-infection,” – whispered the soldier, in response to his superior’s question.

“And what is the treatment prescribed for you?”

“Swabbing, three times daily.”

“Do have you any special requests?” – continued the general with his routine.

“I have. I would very much prefer, if they would start the swabbing-rounds with me.”

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Category: Animal Stories

JUNGLE JUSTICE

On his way to his favorite watering hole, an elephant encountered a mouse running for his life.

“What is your hurry, little fellow?” - he asked.

“Some animal raped the lioness,” – answered the frightened rodent – “and its mate is suspicious of every male in sight.”

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Category: Animal Stories

TRUE TO FORM

A panda bear walked into a saloon and ordered a sandwich. The waiter brought him his order. After the panda finished its meal, it pulled out a pistol, shot the waiter and started to leave. The bartender shouted:

“Hey you! What do you think you're doing?”

The panda said:

“I'm a panda. Look it up in any reference book..”

The bartender got out an encyclopedia and looked up “panda.”

Sure enough it said:

“Panda n., a bear-like marsupial native to China. Known largely for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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Category: Airline Stories

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

On the new Boeing aircraft great emphasis was given to passenger comfort. One of the interesting innovations was, that there were separate washrooms for ladies and gentlemen. During the airplane’s maiden flight, one of the passengers had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the male lavatories, but found them to be occupied. A stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had pain and anxiety written all over his face. The girl took pity on the visibly suffering passenger and though expressly forbidden to do so, let him use one of the female washrooms. She warned him not to touch any of the buttons on the wall installed for the ladies’ convenience. The man was about to pop and would have promised anything, just to get into one of these small cubicles.

The relief was pure joy and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP” and there was one red button labeled “ATR”. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. A good feeling came over him. The male lavatory didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.

He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped and without hesitation pressed the “PP” button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies’ toilet was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure. He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He pressed the button and came to in the hospital. He did not remember a thing, but saw that he was bandaged around his midriff. The nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face would not answer his questions and all the doctor was ready to tell him was that he was no longer a man. Only when a remorseful airline executive showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers, did he learn of the reason for his debilitating injury.

“Would somebody tell me what happened? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies lavatory!!!” - asked the man furiously.

“You pushed one too many button,” - replied the embarrassed executive. “That last button marked “ATR” is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

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Category: Afterlife

REINCARNATION

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed, that if either died, the other one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out:

“John, Dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her:

“Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked:

“Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day?” - asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep at about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback:

“Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona.”

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Category: Accountants

SIMPLE ACCOUNTING

One Friday evening, an accountant left a letter for his wife. It read:

"To My Dear Wife (that's what he called her), you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight". When the man came home, he found the following letter:

"My Dear Husband (that's what she called him), I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my handsome and virile tennis coach, who like your secretary is 18 years old. Being a successful accountant, with an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".

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Category: Women's Lib

UNISEX

The guests at the wealthy socialite’s house were treated to an impromptu concert. One of the guests whispered to the person next to him:

“That girl is singing completely off-key.”

“That is my son who is singing,” - replied the other.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were his father.”

“No, I’m his mother.”

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