Category: Political Jokes

QUALITY COUNTS

At the Soviet War College, the guest lecturer, a general, told the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class began by asking the first question:

“Will we have to fight in a World War Three?”

“Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will,” - answered the general.

“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” - another officer asked.

“In all likelihood it will be China.”

The class looked alarmed and finally one officer asked:

“But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”

“Well,” - replied the general, - “think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time.”

“But sir,” - asked the panicky officers, - “do we have enough Jews?”

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Category: Computers

PERFECT TRANSLATION

After many years of experimentation, the Army announced that it had managed to develop a computer program to translate any English text into Russian. The commanding general, who came to see the new product, was invited to choose a sentence for translation. The general thought for a minute and then uttered:
“Out of sight, out of mind!”
Within 5 seconds, a Russian sentence appeared on the screen. Everybody stared at the Cyrillic script, but as none of those present understood Russian, nobody could verify that the translation was correct. Suddenly the general had a bright idea (it does happen sometimes, believe me!):
“Let the computer translate the Russian sentence back to English.”
Again 5 seconds passed and then the translation came up. It read:
“Invisible idiot!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER

In the old Russia they used to abduct young Jewish boys and forcibly conscript them into the Army. Many of these boys were never heard of again although some managed - after a few years - to return to their families. One of the boys, who completely lost contact with his family, eventually became a general and one day, when the Army held maneuvers near his birthplace, decided to see if any of his folks were still around. There was a lot of excitement in the town. After all, it was not everyday that a Jewish boy from a small village became a general and paid a visit in town. A big dinner was held in his honor with the general seated at the head of the table, next to the rabbi. The poor man was at a loss for words with such an important person and in the end started with the subject closest to him, religion.

“Tell me, Your Excellency, in your years in the Army, did you manage to remain a Jew?”

“I tried my best,” – answered the soldier.

The rabbi pressed on:

“Did you observe the holy Sabbath?”

“How could I? The enemy does not observe the Jewish holidays and when he attacks, we too must make our move, Sabbath, or not.”

“But did you eat kosher food?”

“Sometimes I was happy to get any food at all and besides, where would I have obtained kosher food?”

The rabbi was getting desperate:

“But did you at least say your prayers regularly?”

The general was ready with his reply:

“In your opinion, how would it look for an Imperial Army officer to be seen wearing a prayer shawl and phylacteries?”

The exasperated minister was at his wit’s end:

“But Your Excellency, pray tell me, what is it, that is still Jewish in you?”

“I am still afraid of dogs,” – answered the veteran soldier

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Category: Ethnic Stories THE INFALLIBLE GENERAL You probably know this anecdote, but I just love to hear it and retell it, because - for me - it symbolizes a small victory against bigotry all over the world. So here you are:

The southern socialite was sending out invitations for a party that she was about to give, when she discovered that she was short of a few gentlemen. Struck by a sudden idea, she phoned the local Air Force base and asked its commander to reinforce her party with half-a-dozen young, presentable officers. As an afterthought, she added:

“And do me a favor, send no Jews, please!”

At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang and when the hostess opened the door, there on the porch stood six handsome, tall, black officers in their dress uniforms.

“But surely this must be a mistake,” - stammered the stricken mistress of the house.

“I do not think there is any mistake, Madam” - answered the senior officer. “General Cohen is never wrong.”

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