A Jew converted and became a priest. He gave his first mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal went up to congratulate him.
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* Plural of the Hebrew goy, meaning nation, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.
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The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said:
“I’ll take him and him and him.”
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. During that experience she saw God and asked him if that was it. God said no and explained that she had another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery, she decided to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. She figured that since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of them.
She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. Upon arriving in front of God she complained:
“I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replied apologetically:
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”
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A man, reeking of alcohol, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:
“Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”
The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior, snapped:
“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man!”
“Well, I’ll be,” – the man muttered and returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:
“I’m sorry to have come on so strong – I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
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A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he noticed a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -
He thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without second thought. Soon, he saw another sign which said:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -
Suddenly, he began to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drove past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity got the best of him and he pulled into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbed the steps and rang the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit who asked:
“What may we do for you, my son?”
He answered:
“I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”
He was led through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man:
“Please knock on this door.”
He did as he was told and it was answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructed:
“Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”
He got $50 out of his wallet, placed it in the nun’s cup, trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
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The archbishop was forewarned about the muckraking English journalists. So when he landed at Heathrow airport and one of the press representatives shot him a provocative question, he gave the most non-committed answer, as possible. The question was:
“What is Your Eminence’s opinion of the night life in
The archbishop replied:
“Is there any night life in
The next day the headlines in some of the tabloids were:
ARCHBISHOP VISITS BRITAIN. HIS FIRST QUESTION:
Is there nightlife in
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The veterinarian had an exhausting day, but when he finally got home from tending to all those sick animals, his wife received him with a cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went to bed.
At about 3:00 o’clock in the morning, the phone rang.
“Is this the vet?” – asked an elderly lady's voice.
“Yes, it is”, – replied the vet, “Is it an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, – said the lady, – “some cats on my roof are making a terrible noise mating and I can't sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a half-minute pause, after which the vet patiently replied:
“Open the window and tell them that they have a phone call.”
“ And will that stop them?” – asked the elderly lady?”
“It should,” – said the vet. “IT STOPPED ME!”
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