Category: Mother-In-Law

SELLER'S MARKET

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One of Green’s horses kicked his mother-in-law and the old lady died of her injuries. Many people came to her funeral, even from the surrounding villages.

“What a crowd!” - wondered Green’s friend, - “was your mother-in-law so well loved?”

“Hell, no, they just want to buy the horse.”

Category: Mothers

BAD CONNECTION

As part of her studies at the University, Rachel made a study-trip to Africa.

Upon arrival, she called her mother in Brooklyn to tell her that she had arrived safely and everything was fine.

The lines were bad, but she managed to get through, had her say and in exchange got some motherly advice, which ended with something like:

“.... and get yourself a nice ..itch... doctor!”

Rachel was an obedient girl and whenever possible followed her mother’s advice. Following a month’s stay, her airplane landed at Kennedy airport. Accompanying the girl down the gangway right on her heels, was a 6 ft tall black man, wearing a grass shirt, with a tiger pelt over his shoulders, his scarred face painted white, a bone in his nose and a big spear in his hand. The aghast mother took her daughter aside and whispered:

“Rachel, my dear, who is this scarecrow?”

“This is my husband, the witch doctor you told me to get.”

“What I told you was to get a rich doctor!”

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Category: Mothers CLOSED CIRCUIT

“My son swallows castor-oil like soda-pop,” – boasted a proud mother to her neighbor.

“Does he love it as much?”

“He hates it. But he gets a penny after every spoonful.”

“And what does he do with so much money?” – asked the neighbor wonderingly.

“He puts it in his saving-box and when it is full, we buy more castor-oil.”

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Category: Modern Fables TOUGH LUCK

A guy got home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice told him:

“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”

The man was disturbed by what he heard, but ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice told him:

“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”

Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man heard the same voice when he got home from work:

“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”

Each time he heard the voice, he became more upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, took his money and headed to Las Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane, the voice told him:

“Go to Harrah's.”

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice told him:

“Go to the roulette table.”

The man did as he was told. When he got to the roulette table, the voice told him:

“Put all your money on 17.”

Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put it all on number 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man watched the ball anxiously as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number ...21. The voice said:

“Shit.....”

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Category: Misers AT HIS EXPENSE

A woman complained to her husband:

“You must do something about the curtain on the bathroom window. Every time I shower, our neighbor tries to peek at me.”

“Let him succeed just once,” – answered her caring spouse, – “and he will buy a new curtain for our bathroom window at his expense.”

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Category: Misers

A KIND SPIRIT

The old man was on his deathbed, when the wonderful smell of a freshly baked cake reached his nostrils.

“Honey, could I have a piece of cake?” – he called out to his wife. “I would like to pass away, with the taste of something good on my lips.”

“No, you cannot. This cake is for the wake.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BRIEF ONES

¬ Ad at the office:

“For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica. Hardly used. Fucking wife knows everything.”

¬ A man, told by a soothsayer that his wife is betraying him with his best friend went home and shot his dog. 

¬ It is said that women have four types of orgasm:

Positive ones, when they scream: “Oh, yes!”

Negative ones, when they shout: “Oh, no!”

Divine ones, when they exclaim: “Oh, God!”

Fake ones: With their husbands.

¬ Question:

“Does your husband exercise regularly?”

Answer:

“Yes, last week he was out seven nights running.”  

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Category: Marital Bliss

AD

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same: "You can have mine." 

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

CANDLE

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," - he replied, - "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" - came the harried reply.

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

TOMBSTONE

When her recently deceased husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the greater part of his fortune to another woman. Furious, she tried to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," - said the stonecutter. "I inscribed "REST IN PEACE" on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," - she said grimly. "Just add 'UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN'."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

BORN AGAIN

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

REAL ASSET

Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven said:

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sipped his beer and said:

"You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

PANCAKES

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared:

"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," - he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," - Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY 

 

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him:

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

 

MOISHE

A man walked into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said: "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "See-- There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?”

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

ALL-IN-ONE

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" - I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," - he replied. "You'd never get it all in one".

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

CURSE

 

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said:

"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man said without hesitation:

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

INSOMNIA

"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," - said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know, but I can't," - said Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEER, WOMEN AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded:

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied:

"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

PUTTING THINGS BACK IN ORDER

Mary and Joe drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. Joe told Mary to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. Mary returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, Mary dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband Joe who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

A REAL SWITCH

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender:

"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

“Oh, yeah?" - said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," - Mike replied, - "she came to me on her hands and knees.”

"Really?" - said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said:

"Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

John asked his wife Mary what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" - he asksed.

"Not really," - said Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" – said John.

"No," - she responded.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" - he suggested.

She again rejected his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" - John asked.

"John, I'd like a divorce," - answered Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John.

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

GOLFING ACCIDENT

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" - asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife:

"Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

 

DO ANYTHING YOU WANT

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

“Tie me up," - she purred, - "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing. 

   

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Category: Married Bliss

FISHING

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend."

Second guy:

"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy:

"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him:

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy:

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

   

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