Category: Drinking Problem

A SUFFERING FELLOW

A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

“What'll ya have?” – he asked.

“Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

BRIEF ONES

¬ Question:

“Why does the gynecologist use two fingers during his examination?”

 Answer:

“He wants a second opinion.”

¬ Question:

“What is it? Has a wet nose and wears spectacles?”

Answer:

“A shortsighted gynecologist.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

THE ENVIROMENTALIST

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see of he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded:

"What took you so long?"

He smiled and than told her:

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

  THE DRUGGIST

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:

“It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

“Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued:

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients
BEHIND THE MASK

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appeared to give him a partial sponge bath.  

"Nurse", - he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied:

"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled to ask again:

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that something might happen to him from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.  She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she took a close look and said:

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......  A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

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Category: Doctors and Patients

PERCEPTIVE DIAGNOSTICIAN

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained:

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said:

"Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said:

"You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half a dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick,"

"Huh," - the younger doctor said, - "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately,"

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," - the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps,"

As they left, the elder doc said:

"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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Category: C'est la Vie

BRIEF ONES

¬ Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

¬ God must love stupid people, he made so many.

¬ If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

¬ I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.

¬ We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

¬ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

¬ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

¬ Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

¬ Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

¬ A pessimist is an experienced optimist.

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