Category: Doctors and Patients COMPARATIVE DIAGNOSTICS

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

“Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't have to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.”

And then she smugly added:

“Why can't you?”

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said:

“There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep.”

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Category: C'est La Vie NO IDEA From a passenger ship, everyone could see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is it on that island?” – a passenger asked the captain. “I have no idea....., but every year when we pass, he just goes nuts.”

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Category: Business Is Business KFC

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel called up the Pope and asked for a favor. The Pope said:

"What can I do?

"The Colonel said:

"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replied:

"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hanged up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panicked and called again:

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded:

"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel got desperate:

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replied:

"Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his cardinals and said:

"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The cardinals rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news.

The Pope replied:

"The bad news is that we are going to lose the Wonder Bread account."

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Category: Boys and Girls SON-IN-LAW

The hapless maiden did not have a boyfriend, so she bought herself a vibrator. She was just putting it through its paces, when her father walked in on her.

“And what is my baby-girl doing?” - asked the doting father.

“You know Daddy that I don’t have a lover, so I’m pleasing myself with this little gadget.”

The old man muttered, but knew well how strong desire can be and left wordlessly. The next day the girl came home from work and saw her father sitting in the kitchen, with two bottles of beer and the vibrator on the table before him.

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Just having a beer with my son-in-law.”

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Category: Blondes THE WRONG KIND The newly married blonde was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk asked her if she needed assistance. “I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don't know what type he uses.” The clerk said: “Is it a ball type? “ “No,” - said the woman, - “it's for his underarms.”

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Category: Blondes IT'S A GUY THIS TIME!

A blonde guy got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What's going on here?” – he asked.

“I'm having a heart attack,” – cried the woman. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialing, his 4-year old son came up and said:

“Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!”

The guy slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his best pal, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

“You IDIOT!!!” – shouted the husband, – “my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!”

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Category: At Work DAYDREMING “Doctor, I talk in my sleep.” “And that troubles you?” “Yes, the whole office is laughing at me.”

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Category: At School SCIENCE LESSON

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry and said:

"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again:

"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open and she said to those around her:

"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class:

"Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously and said:

"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said:

"Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued:

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.”

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Category: Army Stories BAD EYES Phil was a pacifist and did not want to bear arms against anybody. Mostly, he did not want to be in the Army. So, when his time came to be conscripted, he wore dark glasses and feigned almost total blindness. The ophthalmologist showed him various charts, but when it seemed that Phil was unable to discern even the biggest script, he was discharged from the army. To celebrate the event Phil went to the movies. During the pause in the film, when the lights came on, whom does our man see in the seat next to him, if not his eye doctor? A lesser person would have panicked, but not Phil. without missing a beat, he asked the doctor:

“Excuse me, Madam where does this bus go to?”

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Category: Animal World NAME CALLING

A robber broke into a house he thought was empty. He was already in the second room when he heard a voice:

“Jesus is watching you!”

Frightened, he looked around, but since he didn’t see anyone, he continued his search for valuables. After a while the voice sounded again:

“Jesus is watching you!”

The robber looked around again and discovered a parrot in the corner of the room. He asked it:

“Was it you who said ‘Jesus is watching you!’?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And what is the name you go by?”

“Clarence.”

“What a silly name for a parrot. Who was the blockhead who named you?”

“The same person who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

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Category: Animal Stories SPEED TICKET The curious snail climbed an oak tree. It climbed and climbed. Fifty years passed and then another fifty years. Then - maybe halfway up - the snail slipped by accident and fell back to earth. It hit itself badly and angrily muttered: “This is what happens when you move with undue haste!”

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Category: Airline Stories CUSTOMER RELATIONS

The passengers on the transatlantic flight had just finished their meal and were comfortably relaxed, when the loudspeakers suddenly came on:

“This is the captain speaking. I would like to advise you that we have just lost our starboard engine. However, please remain calm. We have everything under control. This aircraft can operate with three engines just as well.”

About fifteen minutes later a movie was shown in the cabin and the passengers almost forgot the previous announcement, when the captain’s voice was heard again:

“I am sorry, but we seem to have lost another engine. You have no cause to worry. The aircraft is capable of flying with two engines. However, purely as a precautionary measure, those passengers who can swim, should concentrate on the left side of the cabin and those who cannot, should move to the right side.”

Another fifteen minutes passed and the now familiar voice was heard again on the public address system:

“This is the captain once again. We have just lost our third engine and are initiating ditching procedures. All passengers are requested to don their life vests. As soon as the aircraft comes to a complete stop, the crew will open the exit doors. Please remove your shoes and follow the instructions of your crew in using the emergency escape slides. Those on the left side of the plane can commence swimming towards the shore. Those on the right side will remain floating and it is hoped, will eventually be located and rescued. In any case, should we not meet again, I want to thank you for flying with our airline.”

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Category: Afterlife HENRY FORD AND GOD

Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford:

“Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention – the assembly line – changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven.”

Ford thought about it and said:

“I want to hang out with God Himself.”

The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God:

“Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?”

God said: “Ah, yes.”

“Well,” – said Ford, – “you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion

2. It chatters at high speeds

3. Maintenance is very costly

4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing

5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days

6. The rear end wobbles too much, and

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmm,” – replied God, – “hold on.”

God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.

“It may be that my invention is flawed,” – God replied to Henry Ford, – “but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”

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Category: Women's Lib GAVE HIM A DRESSING

On the bus a man thoroughly and provocatively scrutinized a shapely woman sitting on the opposite seat, giving her the once over several times. Finally, the woman spoke up:

“Would you please dress me up again? I have to get off at the next station.”

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Category: Viagra CREATIVE THINKING

A man went to visit his grandpa in hospital.

“How are you grandpa? - he asked.

“Feeling fine,” - said the old man.

“What's the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushed off to question the Sister in charge.

“What are you people doing?” - he said. “I'm told you're giving an old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?”

“Oh, yes,” - replied the Sister. “Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

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Category: Tax Matters ROLL MODEL

An old Catholic priest was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S. agent and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the old priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed, grasped their hands, sighed contentedly and stared at the ceiling.

For a time no one said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments, but they were puzzled, because the priest had never before given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally the lawyer asked:

“Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?

The old priest mustered up his failing strength, then said weakly:

“Jesus died between two thieves… and that is just how I want to go too”.

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Category: Straight from the Hip PARTLY USED

A divorced man met his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he went over to the new guy and asked him:

"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"

To which the new husband replied:

"It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."

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