Category: From the Mouths of Babes

REPORT CARD

A little girl and the mother were shopping. The girl asked her mother:

“How old are you?”

Mommy said:

“Honey, you'll learn later on in life that women don't talk about their age.”

The girl then asked:

“Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Mommy said:

“That's another thing women don't talk about.”.

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother asked:

“Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

Mommy said:

“Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much and I don't want to talk about it now.”

The little girl was frustrated. She told her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said:

“All you have to do is to sneak a look at your mother's driver’s license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.”

The little girl and her mother were shopping again. The girl said:

“Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.”

Mommy was very surprised. She asked:

“Sweetheart, how did you do that?”

The girl shrugged and said:

“I just know and I also know that you weigh 120 pounds.”

The mother was flabbergasted. She asked:

“Where did you learn all that???”

The little girl said:

“I just know that's all and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ' F ' in sex.”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

EFFICIENT DETERENT

A twelve-year old Jewish boy was failing math. His well-to-do parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the advice of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a focused and very determined expression on his face and went directly to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged for diner and even then, quickly cleaned his plate, went straight back to his room and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued until the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card, laid it on the table and went straight to his room. Apprehensively, his mother opened it and saw to her amazement a red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed at this remarkable progress, the parents rushed into their son's room

“Was it the nuns who did it?” - the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said:

“No.”

“Was it the teachers? The peer-mentoring?”

“No.”

“The textbooks? The curriculum?”

“Nope,” - said the son. “The very first day, when I walked in through the front door and saw that guy nailed to the 'plus sign', I knew they meant business!”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

PAINKILLER

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

“Why do you want cider?” - asked Mom.

“To take the pain away,” - sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

“It doesn't work!” - she yelled.

“What do you mean?” - asked Mom.

“Well,” - sniffed the little girl, - “I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies

NEIGHBORLY GUY

While plowing the land, the cheapskate farmer found an ancient jug in the earth. Driven by curiosity, he opened it and out came a genie, jailed inside the jug 10,000 years ago. The thankful spirit told the farmer that he would grant any wish of his, with one precondition:

“Your neighbor will get double of anything that you get!”

This was one tough decision for the farmer. He thought for a while and then said:

“I wish you would remove one of my balls.”

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

DUTY ROSTER

A ship sunk in a big storm and only seven passengers in a small boat managed to reach an uninhabited island. Six of the survivors were women and one was a man. There was plenty of food and water, the weather was uniformly pleasant and the only problem was how to provide a satisfactory and balanced love life for all. In the end, the women all agreed on a roster, which gave each of them one night per week with the only male on the island. Saturday was his night off.

The man was as happy as any red-blooded male would have been in his place. He had six young females for his sole enjoyment, with no competition in sight. Still, things seldom are as they seem to be and after a year he was completely fed up with his role of resident stud. So much so, that had it been possible, he would have practiced abstinence for the rest of his life.

Such was the situation, when one day another ship happened to sink near the island. All the inhabitants of the small island were on the beach, ready to help any survivors, but only one person was seen fighting the waves bravely. With the help of a rope thrown to him, the survivor reached safety. It then became apparent that he was a young athletic man. Joyfully, the man on the island took aside the new arrival and whispered to him:

“Welcome to Paradise. We shall have the time of our life. Each of us will service three women and spend the other four days of the week fishing, swimming, or just plain relaxing.”

“I regret that I cannot be of assistance,” - said the young man, - “I am a member of the Gay Liberation Front.”

Dejected our man thought to himself:

“Damn, there goes my free Saturday night!”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

IMPROVED VERSION

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked:

“Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” - the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him:

“Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” - the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up:

“You know, Grandpa,” - she said, - “God's doing a lot better job lately.”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

UNTIL NOW...

The young couple had their first child. Everything seemed normal, the baby had two ears, two eyes, ten fingers and the only thing that seemed strange was that he did not utter a sound. At first, his parents thought that they have been blessed with an unnaturally quiet child, but when a year and half passed and the boy still kept mum, they got alarmed and took him to a pediatric clinic. The doctors found nothing amiss with the child and told his worried parents, to be patient with him:

“Some children are just naturally lazy and start speaking at a later age.”

Two years passed and the child, though otherwise a perfectly ordinary infant, continued with his vow of silence. His worried parents took him to see some specialists, first locally and then abroad, but all the doctors gave their offspring a clean bill of health and found no physical reasons for his continued silence. For their son’s fourth birthday, his mother prepared a festive dinner with all his favorite dishes. The boy had a healthy appetite and ate his way silently through all the courses, until the last one. Then suddenly, he said:

“This pudding is inedible!”

Both parents were dumbfounded. It was the mother who first spoke up:

“Sweetheart, you can talk! Why didn’t you speak sooner?”

“Until now, everything was just fine” - replied the child.

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Category: For your Kids

NO PEEKING

A man, who had lost an eye in an accident, used to put his glass eye in a cup on his bedside table at night. Once, when he was very thirsty, he mistakenly drank from the cup containing his eye and swallowed it. The next day he went to his physician, complaining about an awful bellyache. The good doctor decided to give him an enema and as he stood there administering it, he suddenly exclaimed:

“Oh my God! In all my 25 years in practice, I have looked at many an ass, but this is the first time that an ass has looked back at me.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

HILLBILLY HONEYMOON

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma) went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl, they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy really looked forward to the wedding night and to show how much this marriage meant to him, he took his new bride to a real pay motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed.

“Be gentle with me,” - she said, - “I'm a virgin.”

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber out of there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story, with eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said:

“You did the right thing, son, don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

PERFECT DISGUISE

Sorry, but to understand this one, you must look up German numerals in the dictionary.

During the war two German spies were dropped in England. Wanting to test their disguise, they decided to go to a pub serving American soldiers.

“Two Martinis please!” - they shouted from the door.

“Dry?” - asked the barman.

“Nein, zwei!”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

DESPERATE MEASURE

“What does a Scotsman do when he is cold?”

“He moves his chair closer to the candle.”

“And if he is still cold?

“He puts his arms around the candle.”

“A when all that doesn’t help?”

“He lights it.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

SICKLY NIGHTLIFE

Bern must be one of the dullest cities in Switzerland, if not the whole of Europe. At one of the best hotels, a tourist asked the clerk at the Reception:

“Is there any night-life in Bern?”

“I am sorry, Sir,” – answered the clerk, – “but it seems that she is sick tonight.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

A CHARITABLE SOUL

The Indian shopkeeper thought that he had saved a sufficient amount of money to enable him to fly back to the old country and visit his folks. He went to the Indian Airlines office and inquired about the price of a ticket to Punjab. To his dismay he discovered, that he was just $2 short of the full fare. In his distress he went out to the street and asked the first friendly-looking passerby:

“Excuse me Sir, could you spare $2? I want to fly to India.”

The passerby looked him over and then magnanimously uttered:

“Here are 10 bucks and take your family!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THOSE ITALIANS!

[NOTE: For true enjoyment, read the man's part with a good ol' Italian accent....]

A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat themselves and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored their conversation at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” - retorted the lady indignantly, - “in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” - said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

IDENTITY PROBLEM

A child went to his father:

“Tell me Daddy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?”

“Of course you are a Gypsy, son. If I am a Gypsy, you are too.”

The boy reflected a while on his father’s answer, then approached his mother:

“Mummy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?”

“Of course you are a Jew, darling. If I am a Jew, you are one too. But why are you asking?”

“Because our neighbors have a stunning bike. Now I’m not sure, if I should haggle for it, or just snitch it.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

WITH MONEY IN THE POCKET

For those unfamiliar with the Jewish religion: A religious Jew performs no work, touches no money on holy Sabbath - which starts Friday evening and ends Saturday night, when the first three stars emerge.

Friday evening, a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath, the cantor asked the rabbi:

“Can you lend me 1,000 dollars?”

The rabbi gave him the money and the cantor pocketed it with thanks. Saturday evening, a few minutes after the end of the Sabbath, the cantor returned the loan to the rabbi. The same scene repeated itself every weekend until the rabbi could no longer overcome his curiosity and asked:

“Tell me, why do you ask for a loan every Sabbath? After all, you take the money from me just a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath and return it a few minutes after the Sabbath ends. You have no chance at all to spend it?”

“Haven’t you noticed, that ever since I’m keeping 1,000 dollars in my pocket, I sing much better at the synagogue?”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

LIKE EVERY GOOD JEWISH BOY

While leading the Friday evening services, the rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The rabbi, horrified, asked the cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?”

Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.”

“Oh, come on,” - said the rabbi.

“YES!” - said Bernie.

Rabbi: “I don't believe you. You are just fooling around. That's not a proper thing to do in the temple.”

Bernie: “Its true!”

“OK,” - said the rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), - “then show me what the dog can do.”

“OK,” - said Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog proceeded to open up the barrel under his neck, removed a yarmulke, a tallith* and prayer book and actually started saying prayers in Hebrew! The rabbi was so shocked he listened for a full 15 minutes. When he regained his composure, he was so impressed with the quality of the praying that he said to Bernie:

“Do you think your dog would consider going to rabbinical school?”

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust, said:

“YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!”

* A shawl with ritually knotted fringe at each of four corners, worn by Jews at Morning Prayer.

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

REPAIRMAN

A tourist passing through some godforsaken village saw a gypsy beating up his wife.

“Man, what do you think you are doing?”

“I know what I’m doing,” - answered the gypsy. “I’m fixing my washing machine.”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

TELLING SIGNS

“How do you know that there is a Pole at a cockfight?”

“He is the one who brought a duck.”

“And how do you know that there is also an Italian present?”

“He is the one who bet on the duck.”

“And how do you know that the Mafia is also there?

“The duck won.”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes NOT A DROP SHOULD BE WASTED A Scotsman came to the infirmary.

“Doctor, have a look at my tongue. There’s splinter in it.”

“A splinter in your tongue? How did it happen?”

“It started with me spilling some of my whisky on the floor.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories ONE OF US

An English taxidermist was sweating his way through the Australian outback when he came across a bar. He staggered in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice, asked the bartender:

“May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man?”

One of the locals said to his mates;

“Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?”

Then, turning to the Englishman:

“Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic. Are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?”

“Ac...actually,” – the Englishman, terrified, replied, – “I'm a taxidermist.”

“Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?”

“I mount d..d..dead animals.”

“It's alright, cobbers,” – said the local, turning to his mates, – “he's one of us!”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A young Jewish man called his mother and said:

“Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.”

“How nice,” - said his mother.

“I have an Indian name too,” - he said. “It's 'Running Water' and you have to call me that from now on.”

“How nice,” - said his mother.

“You have to have an Indian name, too, Mom....”

“I already do,” - said the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva....*”

* Shiva: A seven-day period of mourning observed after the death of a close relative.

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Category: Ethnic Jokes IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION At the gypsy family the wife was about to give birth. The doctor arrived and as the room was in complete darkness, asked the husband to get some light. The man brought in one of those bicycles equipped with dynamo operated headlights and started pedaling furiously. A few minutes later the child was born and the tired father started to get off his vehicle.

“Don’t pause! Another one is on its way,” - shouted the doctor.

The gypsy started pedaling again until the second child emerged. The man, his tongue lolling, stopped again, but the doctor didn’t let him:

“Go on pedaling, I need the light for the next one!”

And so it went, until after the fourth baby was delivered. The gypsy came to a sudden stop, scratched his head in bewilderment and asked:

“Say Doc, do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?”

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Category: Ethnic Stories WITH HER MAJESTY'S PERMISSION

A reception was held at the residence of the President of Israel. Even though it was a hot summer day, all the dignitaries appeared in their Sunday (or rather Sabbath) best and only Cohen showed up wearing an undershirt. When the President noticed Cohen’s inappropriate eveningwear, he confronted him:

“Look here Cohen! You cannot appear at my party in an undershirt!”

“But it was the Queen of England who gave me permission to come to your party dressed like this!”

“How come?”

“Last year, while vacationing in London, I decided to go to a party at Buckingham Palace. As it was a hot evening I thought a clean undershirt would suffice, but suddenly somebody tapped my shoulder. I turned around and saw that it was Elizabeth. She was quite red in the face and said:

“Where do you think you are? Dressed like that you can show up at your President’s party in Jerusalem, but not at my place!”

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Category: 'English' Jokes BIRTHDAY PRESENT It was summer and every day as the Englishman was on his way to the office, he noticed through the open window of a ground-floor apartment a woman beating her unruly son with a long French bread. Not in the habit of interfering in other folks’ private affairs, he continued on his way silently. Then one day just as he passed that certain window, he saw the same woman throwing a big cake at the child’s head. This time he stopped and spoke up:

“Excuse me for asking, Madam, but why is it that every day you discipline your son with the help of a French bread and today you are using a cake?”

“You see,” – answered the woman, – “it is the poor lad’s birthday.”

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