Category: Boys and Girls

OF COURSE

“Am I the first man in your life?”
“Of course dear, but I wish I knew why it’s so important to all of you.”

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Category: Blondes

FAKE REDHEAD

A young redhead came into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible," – said the doctor. "Show me."
She took her finger and pushed her elbow and screamed in agony. She pushed her knee and screamed, pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said:
"You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," – she said. "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so!" – the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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Category: Blondes

ARRANGEMENT

A young New York blonde was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said:
“Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:
“I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.
“What are you doing here?” – asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” - she explained. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. And well, he's also screwing me.”
“He sure is, lady,” - said the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

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Category: Blondes

MEET ME HALFWAY

A blonde woman named Babbette found herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray:
“God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”
Lotto night came and somebody else won it. Babbette again prayed:
“God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night came and Babbette still had no luck. Once again, she prayed:
“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Babbette was overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself:
“Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

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Category: Blondes

THE WRONG KIND

The newly married blonde was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk asked her if she needed assistance.

“I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don't know what type he uses.”
The clerk said:
“Is it a ball type? “
“No,” - said the woman, - “it's for his underarms.”

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Category: At Work

PROMOTION

The young American executive arrived home all excited and shouted to his wife at the door:
“You should congratulate me. I have been promoted to VP.”
“Big deal!” - answered the wife disparagingly. “Just today I heard at the supermarket that they have a VP for plums.”
“No, you are putting me on!”
“If you don’t believe me, you can phone and ask them.
The husband phoned the supermarket and asked to speak to the VP for plums.
“Which one of them?” - asked the switchboard operator. “The VP for fresh plums, canned ones, or prunes?”

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Category: At the Restaurant

IT DEPENDS

“Waiter! Do you have tortoise soup?”

“Did you ever eat tortoise soup, sir?”
“No, never.”
“Then we do have.”

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Category: At the Court-of-Law

FULLY EQUIPPED

 The old geezer was brought before the judge and accused of illegal whisky distillation. They found the equipment in his house, but couldn’t quite prove that he was actually using it, so they just fined him $2,000. After the verdict was pronounced, the accused requested to make a statement:

“Your Honor, I respectfully request that my fine be increased to $4,000.”
“And what is it that you want to pay the additional $2,000 for?”
“For sexually assaulting a lady.”
“Did you do it?”
“No, but I possess that piece of equipment too.”

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Category: At School

RIGHT

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
“In English,” – he explained, – “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,” – the professor continued, – “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up:
“Yeah, right.”

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Category: Army Stories

ONE LESS WORRY

The sergeant major appeared with a radiant face before the grunts training in the desert:
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Start with the bad news.”
“20 trucks are soon arriving and you will have to fill them up with sand.”
“And what are the good news?”
“That you shouldn’t worry, there is enough sand.”

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Category: Animal World

SPEED TICKET

The curious snail climbed an oak tree. It climbed and climbed. Fifty years passed and then another fifty years. Then - maybe halfway up - the snail slipped by accident and fell back to earth. It hit itself badly and angrily muttered:

“This is what happens when you move with undue haste!”

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Category: Animal World

CHESS PLAYERS

The fox challenged the rabbit to a series of chess games, but to his chagrin, the rabbit invariably beat him. Said the frustrated fox:

“I am considered one of the cleverest animals in the forest. How do you manage to win all our games? What is your secret?”

“Before every game I always visit my mistress,” - answered the hare. “Having sex sharpens my brain and gives me so much energy that I play better than average.”

The fox remained unconvinced that the same trick would work for him, but decided to give it a try anyway. Before their next game he went into the kitchen and while his wife was preparing dinner, surprised her from behind. His spouse must have been very busy, because she did not even turn around and just asked:

“Going to play chess, Bunny dear?”

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Category: Animal Stories

NAME CALLING

A robber broke into a house he thought was empty. He was already in the second room when he heard a voice:

“Jesus is watching you!”

Frightened, he looked around, but since he didn’t see anyone, he continued his search for valuables. After a while the voice sounded again:

“Jesus is watching you!”

The robber looked around again and discovered a parrot in the corner of the room. He asked it:

“Was it you who said ‘Jesus is watching you!’?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And what is the name you go by?”

“Clarence.”

“What a silly name for a parrot. Who was the blockhead who named you?”

“The same person who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

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Category: Animal World

THE MOUSE AND THE GIRAFFE

This one mouse in the zoo had a crush on the giraffe. One night he built up enough courage to visit the giraffe and things went pretty well. Soon, one thing led to another and they ended up spending a passionate night together. The next morning the baboon walked past the mouse and saw the poor little guy lying exhausted on the floor.

“How did it go with giraffe last night?” - he asked. The mouse, barely able to lift his head, replied:
“I'll tell you one thing, between the french kissing and the sex, I must have run about a hundred miles last night!”

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Category: Animal World

NO DEMAND FOR IT

A guy phoned the “ABC” musical agency in New-York:

“Sir! I’ve something sensational to show you. If you see my act, I’m sure you’ll offer me $50,000 per night.”

“Usually we don’t accept strangers,” – said the agent, – “but since you claim to have something sensational, I’ll make an exception.”

The guy arrived at the agency’s office, took a matchbox out of his pocket, removed a tiny white piano from it and put it on the table. From his other pocket he took another matchbox in which a white mouse perched. The man set the mouse at the piano and the small creature, with a virtuosity and technique that would have shamed Ugo Pogorelicz, started performing the most difficult Chopin, Beethoven, Rachmaninow and Tschaikowsky pieces. The agent listened for a while, then shook his head sorrowfully:
“I’m sorry, but I can’t get you a contract. Who the hell listens to classical music these days?”  

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Category: Airline Stories

A CONVINCING ARGUMENT

On a flight out of one of the Eastern European countries, a farmer got on the airplane. He put his bundle of belongings on one seat, his cane and hat on the other and deposited his ample behind on a third seat. The stewardess asked him to move his baggage to the overhead bin or under his seat and tried to assist him with the task, but the man just glared at her fiercely and she desisted.

One of the passengers noticed her problem and offered assistance.

“I know these people,” - he said. He went over to the man, whispered in his ear and after a short while, the farmer got up and moved his things off the two seats. The stewardess was very thankful to the helpful passenger, but wanted to know:

“What did you tell him that made him move his gear so readily?”

“I explained to him that these seats are flying to a different destination.” 

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Category: Airline Stories

WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

Being married to a pilot means your husband is never home when you really need him.

In the morning before he was due to leave on a transatlantic flight, the pilot’s wife complained to her husband that their car does not start in the morning.

“What do you think I am an auto mechanic?” - said the pilot indignantly. “Get the man from the garage come down and have it fixed.”

Just then, the sound of a honking car was heard. The airline captain picked up his bag, kissed his wife and left, not to be seen for a week.

The next week, the wife griped that the door to the kitchen does not close properly and could her husband do something about it. Again the pilot was ready with an answer:

“Do you think I am a carpenter? I make enough money so that we can afford to have a handyman replace all the doors in the house.”

And off he went winging into the blue skies.

The next time, it was the water-faucet that was dripping, then the flowers were affected with a mysterious affliction but her hubby invariably told his wife to get a specialist to fix the trouble. Then one day the complaints stopped. The car started at the turn of the key, all the doors opened and closed silently and effortlessly, the bathroom tap no longer dripped and the flowers in their garden were blooming as never before.

“What happened?” - inquired the pilot. “Did you have a lot of trouble getting all these things fixed?”

“No trouble at all,” - replied his wife with a bright face. “A neighbor who is very good with his hands was kind enough to offer me his help and managed to put everything back in working order.”

“And what did you give him in return?” - demanded her husband. “Did he accept money?”

“He told me I have two choices: I can either sing for him, or go to bed with him.”

“And what was your choice?”

“Who do you think I am, a singer?”          

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Category: Airline Stories

FIRST THINGS FIRST

A short while after takeoff the Captain switched on the public address system and welcomed the passengers on Flight 321 to New York. He informed them that the flight will take 7 hours and 50 minutes and added that the crew would soon be serving dinner. Wishing them a pleasant flight he switched off the microphone or rather thought he did, leaned back in his seat and sighing contentedly said to his First Officer:

     “I’ll have a cup of coffee now and then I’ll have a little romp with that pretty new stewardess.”

The passengers received his remarks, transmitted over the loudspeakers, with enthusiastic cheers. One of the stewardesses moved quickly towards the cockpit to warn the Captain that the microphone was left open. An elderly lady, sitting on an aisle seat, stopped her and said:

“You don’t have to hurry, my dear! The man said that he is going to have a coffee first!”              

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Category: Afterlife

THE CATCH

A pair of identical twin brothers lived in a certain town. One lived a godly life, was a good husband and father, a reputable businessman and did lots of community service. The other cheated and lied, was a hell-raiser, a drunkard, unfaithful to his wife and mean to his kids. They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in Heaven and could look down on his bad twin in Hell. The place was not as he imagined. He saw his brother drinking, partying and dancing, having beautiful women, with lots of passionate kissing going on. The good twin went up to St Peter and said:

“Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.”

St Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said:

“My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.”

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Category: Accountants

BRIEF ONES

¬ “An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.”

¬ Question:

 “What does an accountant use for birth control?”

Answer:

“His personality.”

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Category: Accountants

HUSBANDRY

A woman walked into an accountant’s office and told him that she needed to file her taxes. The accountant said:

“Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He wrote down her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asked:

“What is your occupation?”

The woman replied:

“I’m a whore.”

The accountant balked:

“No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman said:

“OK, I’m a prostitute.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both thought for a minute, then the woman stated:

“I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant wondered:

“What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore, or a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised over 3,000 cocks last year.”

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Category: Women's Lib

UNCANNY INSIGHT

A spinster answered a phone call late one night.

“Hello,” – said a deep voice on the other end. “I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”
The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:
“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

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Category: Computers

HAROLD, THE COMPUTER GUY

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him:
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied:
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned:
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No"- I replied.
"Write it down" - he said - "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down:
"I D 1 0 T."
Shame, I used to like Harold .................

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Category: Simpletons

SPEECHLESS

“Yesterday when I returned home unexpectedly, I caught my wife in bed with an Italian.”

“Appalling! And what did you say to him?”
“What could I’ve said? I don’t speak Italian.”

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Category: Simpletons

BAD FILM

The police captain angrily questioned two policemen, who the previous evening had lost track of a break-and-enter suspect.

“What happened?” – he demanded.
“The burglar escaped into a movie-theater.”
“And why didn’t you follow him there?”
“We already saw the film.”

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